Breakup Advice

Today we have another question from a reader.

This question is from a woman who had a long relationship with a partner who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) that ended after that partner cheated. The relationship was challenging, not only because of the involvement of BPD, but also because of this reader’s feeling it needed to be kept secret from her family for some time. Now that the relationship is over, she is struggling with codependent symptoms, “what ifs” and a sense of lost value – all very common in these kinds of relationships.

She writes:

Hi,

I’ve read things on your site about relationships with people with borderline. I dated my Ex for 4 years, and I am struggling now as it ended.

I caught her cheating on me, from the very start I told her there was only one thing she could do that would make me leave and it was cheating.

She told me from the start about all her prior relationships and how the ex did something wrong. SO i guess I went into it thinking I wont make the mistakes that they made. Yet I couldn’t tell my family that I was dating a girl, I keep our relationship a secret for over 2 years and I know that killed her.

We broke up once and while we split I did tell my family, we got back together but it only lasted for 4 months. She told me, she wasn’t happy that she felt like she tried and gave it everything she had. All the reasons she gave for ending it make sense. She said we have nothing in common, which isn’t totally true but it is in ways. That all we did was go to the gym, party and cook. We did other things to but that was alot of it.

I’m struggling to let her go, in my head I feel like she won’t come back cause she is scared. I know she’s seeing someone else already.

I guess I need help I think I became co-dependant how do I start to recover. All I can do is think about her, how if i was better it wouldn’t have ended? I keep wanting to contact her, like she’s a drug that I need to feel better about myself.

And our response:

Hi and thanks for your question. I really empathize with you as I know the ending of these relationships that involve a disorder like Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) are especially painful.

In any breakup, there is always the question of whether the relationship is truly over (or should be over) or not. If the relationship has the potential to be a healthy one and there is a chance to continue it, then that possibility is worth considering. However, from your story, it sounds like this is a relationship that even you have determined should probably be over based on the cheating and the fact that you yourself feel there may not have been enough in common. So, while there are some things I could say about getting back together if the situation merited that, I am going to answer this as if the relationship is over and the subject is really about you handling the breakup optimally.

First of all, the last line of your email holds the key to the early phase of your recovery. Relationships between codependents and those with BPD really are quite addictive. So your early recovery model is quite similar to coming off of an addictive substance – namely the powerful neurochemicals that were produced while in the relationship. It involves simply refraining from going back to the drug long enough to process what is coming up.

I say “simply” but of course this requires a great deal of focus, effort and consistent habits. It is challenging and painful. But, during this phase, by not returning to the relationship, you will allow many insights and growth opportunities that were being suppressed to become available. It is really helpful in this phase to be working with someone who can help not only support you through this difficult period, but also help you glean all the developmental benefits you can which will then serve you later in all phases of your life and in ways you might not even expect at the moment. You can get through this withdrawal phase by reading as much as you can on the subject to keep yourself conscious and focused on recovery. But the ideal is really a therapist or coach who can reflect back to you in a very personal way that is customized to you.

In any case, the secret to these recoveries is getting through that initial phase, not running back to the relationship, and facing and processing all of the energies that surface – the energies the relationship was helping you avoid facing.

As you move through that early phase of recovery and into the later phases, you may be surprised as you realize that your ex was not really the issue, per se, but rather a symbol and a catalyst to push other aspects of your life into your awareness. In the later phases of recovery from this kind of relationship, you may find yourself becoming more clear about not only how to better approach future relationships, but about your past history, your family dynamics, your identity, and your life direction in many areas. You may eventually look back on this healing process as part of what helped you become who you are at that future date.

Here are just a few more points I’d like to add:

• You mentioned how your ex would complain about her past exes and give you the impression that you may be the special person who would turn out to be different. This is a common story you will hear from people who were involved with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. And, if you are codependent, the notion of being the one who breaks their pattern of bad relationships and proves to them that wonderful love is possible will be an enticing one. However, very often, the past exes were put in the same position. And, in reality, none of you ever had a chance of making things turn out differently because the person with BPD, as part of the nature of their disorder, plays out a script in which they will sabotage the relationship regardless of how you are trying to make it better. In short, if your partner was truly BPD, there is likely little that you could have done to make it work unless she was working diligently in therapy of her own to heal the root sources of her BPD.
• You mention that if your ex is a drug, the payoff of the drug is that you feel better about yourself. I interpret this as a self-esteem issue, which is also commonly revealed in these types of breakups. The partner fills a void and allows you to feel special and meaningful, perhaps in a way that you rarely have in your life. When they leave, since the special feeling was not internalized to yourself, it throws your assessment of your value into question. In recovery, it’s crucial to start building your own self-esteem, esteem that you have for yourself that is not dependent on someone else.
• Since you had to hide the relationship from your family for a time, that indicates there is likely some family drama involved too which both led to why you were psychologically configured in such a way as to attract relationships like this, and probably needs to be explored as part of your recovery.
• The fact that you are already aware of codependence and have considered that you might be experiencing that pattern shows that you are already somewhat conscious. That, combined with the fact that you are reaching out for help, bodes well for you as you move into recovering.
• Give yourself time and practice patience. Healing from an intense relationship like this, especially a long-term one, is a process. 4 years is a long time to be with someone so intimately and it can sometimes take several months, at least, to start really feeling consistently stronger again. Focus on taking one step in the right direction at a time. And, even if the pain isn’t getting better immediately, continue taking those steps each day. Eventually, sometimes when you’ve forgotten to even notice, you’ll find your burden is lightening.

If you (or anyone reading this) would like support in working through any or all phases of this kind of recovery, I offer phone sessions to help with that. I have worked with people in this situation for many years and have a lot of particular experience with relationships involving disorders like Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I will help you make sense of the situation, offer intellectual and emotional support through the early painful phases, and – in the long run – help you turn what can be a painful nightmare into a chance to rebuild your life stronger than ever.

If you’d like to explore working with me, you can simply get in touch through the Contact Us page and we can discuss how I can best help you.

But wherever you turn for support, I hope that this advice will put you in the right frame of mind so that you will one day look back on this experience as a tremendous aid in your personal development.

If you’re considering marriage counseling, questions are going to come up. Here are the answers to some of the most common ones. If you have any others that we didn’t cover, let us know and we’ll try to answer them for you.

How do I know if we need marriage counseling?

First of all, marriage counseling doesn’t have to only be something to fix problems. It can also be something to help make the most of a good relationship. In fact, many couples go to counseling before they get married just to prepare to have a healthy marriage. In premarital counseling, questions about their values, family plans and relationship skills can be addressed before they even become a problem.

So there is nothing to lose by trying counseling and there may be much to gain. As long as you find a competent, skilled therapist, err on the side of giving it a try.

However, there are some situations where counseling would be extremely helpful and important. For example, counseling would be recommended if:

• The relationship has become physically, emotionally or verbally abusive
• Addiction or substance abuse of any kind is taking place
• There are children involved and you are experiencing challenges with parenting as partners
• Communication has severely broken down between partners

How do I find a good counselor?

At Breakup Advice, we are fans of the Imago Relationship Therapy model. Imago Relationships International offers a directory to help you find someone trained in this approach in your area.

However, there are also other schools of counseling with different ideas. You should first do some research on these different schools, consider the different styles, decide which resonates with you and then seek someone trained in that model

Whichever approach you favor, don’t be afraid to try a few sessions with different therapists or counselors before deciding on one you want to stick with. It’s important that you feel comfortable with someone you are going to share so much with and you won’t always find that person on the first try. Be patient and put in the work to find the right person as this can be a life-changing decision.

What if my partner refuses to go to counseling?

You can’t force your partner to go to counseling. Unless they’ve broken the law and are ordered by a court, they have the freedom to refuse to go. And if you find a way to coerce them, it may backfire as they might not be sincerely engaged in the counseling.

Ask your partner to go with you. Express how much it would mean to you. But try not to be too pushy.

If your partner still won’t go with you, then by all means go by yourself. Marriage counselors are familiar with this situation where one partner is willing to do the work and the other is hesitant. They can help you from that starting point and go from there.

What if I’m scared to go to counseling?

If you are new to counseling and haven’t had much experience with opening up your private life and feelings, it’s natural to have some fear. Just remember, you are in control. You get to choose your therapist, you can say no to anything you’re not comfortable with and you can leave or stop seeing a therapist at any time.

So, as we said before, take your time meeting with a few people and see who you are comfortable with. Go at your own pace. Any counselor that pressures you in a way that you aren’t comfortable with is someone you might want to talk to about it or simply rule out.

Counseling can involve very sensitive discussions. But a good therapist will always be sensitive and responsive to your needs, as well. And counseling takes time so there is no need to rush into things before you get comfortable.

What if I can’t afford counseling?

This is one of the most common marriage counseling questions. Marriage counseling costs can vary. There are some counselors that offer options for lower income clients. Some will take some cases pro bono. Many offer sliding scale pricing, meaning that you pay less if your ability to pay is lower. If you find a therapist you are interested in seeing, just talk to them about your situation. They may be able to find a way to help you work things out. And, if not, they may be able to recommend someone they know that can help within your price range. Take the first step and see what opportunities arise.

Can I help myself without counseling?

Counseling can be hugely beneficial. But if you are not ready for it, there are some resources that can help you on your own. Start by reading some of these. They may help you figure out whether to go to counseling, which counselor you want to see and make your sessions even more effective once you do go.

Was this marriage counseling advice helpful? Let us know in the comments below. And please share any other questions or concerns.

Many people ask how to fix a relationship. But there is no one single answer because there are so many different types of relationship problems.

We can start by dividing troubled relationships into two categories, however.

• Category 1: Relationships where both partners are interesting in fixing relationship problems
• Category 2: Relationships where one partner wants to fix the relationship and the other does not or is indifferent

Let’s start with the second category. If your relationship falls in this category and you’re reading this article, we can assume you are the partner that wants to know how to fix your relationship because you’re the one interested in doing so. Your partner is distant and does not seem willing to be active in the healing process.

In this situation, you first have to accept the frustrating reality that you cannot force another person to care no matter how strongly you care. You may be unable to persuade this person to participate in fixing the relationship.

However, even in that case, the best thing you can do is work on yourself. If you improve yourself, your partner may start to take notice. This is especially true because those who wish to fix relationships are often the partners that crave closeness while their partners crave space. As you begin to focus more on yourself, your partner will start to feel the breathing room and may relax and eventually seek a little more closeness.

Even in the worst case scenario where your partner never takes an interest again, you can end the relationship already on the path to becoming a stronger person by yourself and in future relationships.

But there are ways you might be able to encourage your partner to join in healing the relationship. One of the most important is to consider what their biggest fears in the relationship are and working to assuage them. Many times, the more distant partner fears engulfment or being overwhelmed by attention and demands on them. If you communicate to your partner that you understand their need for space and prove to them that you can respect it, then you may have more leverage to ask for them to participate in fixing the relationship when you are together.

There are few more frustrating situations to be in than to be in a relationship that you sincerely wish to fix and in which you are putting forth effort to do so with a partner who is unwilling to do his or her part. The bottom line is that you can only work on yourself, express your willingness to respect your partner’s space within reason and then ask them to please participate in the healing process. At that point you simply have to accept that other people make their choices and those choices have consequences. If you’ve done the best you can, then you can hold your head up high regardless of the outcome.

Now let’s consider the first category, in which both partners want to fix the relationship. In this case, it is all about communication and exploration. First you need to communicate to try to zero in on and define what the key problem is. There are many classic problems in relationships that usually stem from some dichotomy where the partners each fall on opposite sides.

We’ve already mentioned one such dichotomy in which one partner values closeness and the other space. Here are some other dichotomies that might be at play in your relationship trouble:

• Wanting to go out more vs. stay in more
• Wanting to spend money freely vs. save frugally
• Wanting to analyze situations more vs. make spontaneous choices
• Wanting things scheduled vs. wanting to play it by ear
• Wanting strict rigid values vs. wanting tolerance and free thinking

Are any of these what has you at odds? If not, talk together about what difference really lies at the heart of your conflict.

Once you have the problem well-defined, then work to become conscious of where this difference began.

Some of these differences have to do with innate temperaments that cannot easily be changed. In that case, you should try to find ways to compromise so neither partner’s preference takes precedence all of the time.

Others of these differences are not innate, but were picked up in the course of your development. They may stem from the values of your families or from rebelling against those values. Try to become conscious of the path that led to these characteristics that are currently at odds. Can you remember the earliest instance of feeling that way? Tell each other your stories and you might find yourself gaining a great deal of compassion and compromising more naturally.

Regardless of the other details of your relationship difficulty, there are two recommendations that are just about always worthwhile.

1. Whether alone or as a couple, find the best relationship therapist you can.
2. Read, alone or together, Getting the Love You Want and the Getting the Love You Want Workbook. These books will bring you tremendous insight and offer you powerful tools that you can use by yourselves or along with a therapist. They will also help you in figuring out what kind of therapist would be most helpful to you.

Fixing a relationship can be a very complex, but rewarding, endeavor. Let us know in the comments section what you think about this topic. What approaches have worked or not worked for you in trying to figure out how to fix a relationship?