Breakup Advice

If you want to know how to fix a marriage, it often helps to know what’s not working. That is not as easy a question as it seems.

You see, there are symptoms and there are sources of symptoms. Most people focus on the symptoms.

So, for example, let’s say that you and your spouse are fighting a lot. If we ask what is not working in your marriage, you might say “We fight too much.” But fighting is a symptom. The question is “Why are you fighting?”

But even that might not give us the answer. Imagine I ask “Why are you fighting?” and you respond “Because he/she isn’t doing things he/she promised to do.” I could then ask “Why isn’t he/she doing things he/she promised to do?” and so on.

In fact, a good policy is to do just this. Ask “Why?” several times. There is even a technique based on this procedure called the “5 Whys” technique. Children naturally do this. They are rarely satisfied with the first answer about something. Once you explain it, they just ask “Why?” again. This might annoy you, but it’s actually a great way to get to the root of problems.

If you keep asking “Why?” enough times, you’re likely to learn some things, such as:

You don’t actually know the source of the problems

In this case, you will need to do more investigation into yourself and your partner. This might involve reading some books or seeing a counselor to help figure out the underlying source.

The source is actually something far in the past

Very commonly, the source of present problems is past wounding. A person who was neglected as a kid may lash out now when they perceive their partner is distancing. A person who was violated as a kid may lash out if not given enough space.

The source has to do with symbols

Why do couples so often have major problems over issues that, on the surface, seem minor, even trivial? The reason is that these small issues are symbolic of larger issues. It may not be a big deal that your spouse fails to clean up after themselves perfectly. But that may be symbolic of a larger pattern of irresponsibility. If that pattern of irresponsibility was something that bothered you with other people in your past, as well, the symbol can be even more potent.

We focused in on this difference between dealing with symptoms and dealing with sources in a previous piece called “Comparing the Two Fundamental Categories of Breakup Advice” in which we contrasted “symptom-focused” and “origin-focused” breakup advice. As you can tell, if you really want to know how to fix a marriage, we believe it’s important, in most cases, to take an origin-focused approach. There are ways to fix a marriage, in some cases, without knowing the sources. But in many cases it will be more effective if you do.

So what do you do once you’ve identified the source? At that point what is going to determine whether you can fix your marriage is how you and your spouse view the purpose of relationships. If you think the purpose is to stay who you each think you are and not change, then you will be committed to maintaining the source of the problem as it is, considering it a part of who you are. But if you think the purpose is to grow and develop, then you will be willing to work on transforming the source together.

Remember that, quite often, you are drawn to someone because your core wounds are complementary. You push each other’s buttons to bring those wounds to each other’s attention so you can help each other heal them.

So this is, in general, how to fix a marriage:

1. Identify the source of the problems
2. Become conscious about the origins of those sources
3. Determine if you are willing to grow and develop together
4. Work to heal each other’s wounded sources of suffering as a team

As always, a good therapist can be a huge ally in this journey of fixing a marriage, a journey which could be the most fulfilling of your life.

When in need of breakup advice, people turn to various sources. They may turn to friends or family for personal support and guidance. They may turn to a trained therapist or counselor for professional help. Or they may explore the wide range of books and videos on the market that offer advice on how to best survive and thrive through a breakup.

From these sources, they are likely to hear a range of different advice reflecting various schools of thought. However, despite the seemingly vast variances between the answers provided, they will tend, nonetheless, to fall into two fundamental categories. We will call these categories symptom-focused and origin-focused.

Symptom-Focused Breakup Advice

Symptom-focused breakup advice is aimed primarily at simply easing the immediate discomfort of relationship issues as quickly as possible. Thus, if a person finds talking to his or her partner or ex-partner painful, symptom-focused advisors may suggest seeking ways to distance from the partner, thus avoiding the symptom of pain. If a person feels restricted by their partner’s needs, a symptom-focused advisor may suggest seeking ways to escape those restrictions in order to feel more free and uninhibited.

Origin-Focused Breakup Advice

Origin-focused breakup advice, on the other hand, is aimed at discovering the deeper roots of symptoms and addressing them. Therefore, it is not as quick to advocate avoidance or suppression of relationship challenges. For instance, if a person finds talking to his or her partner or ex-partner painful, the origin-focused advisor does not necessarily suggest simply distancing. If a person feels restricted by his or her partner’s needs, an origin-focused advisor does not necessarily suggest immediate escapism as an optimal solution. Instead, they are more likely to promote proactive and constructive engagement in the conflict with an aim of more fundamental resolution. This very different approach stems from the origin-focused advisor’s more comprehensive understanding of relationships.

What Origin-Focused Breakup Advisors Know

The origin-focused advisor realizes some very important facts about relationships that give wise individuals pause before jumping to simplified conclusions about the cause or solution of symptoms.

He or she knows, for instance, that:

• We tend to project unresolved feelings from earlier life relationships onto current partners – If we struggled with certain traits or behaviors in our relationships with our parents, caregivers, relatives or others early in life, we may find our current partners triggering unprocessed emotions connected to those early interactions that have remained latent in us. Thus, despite the close association of the current relationship with certain symptoms, the true cause of these symptoms may actually lie not in the current relationship at all, but in past relationships.

• Sometimes, unpleasant symptoms are indicators of areas that need exercise, not indicators of a need to escape – For example, if our partner’s needs seem to restrict us, it may be a sign that we have chosen an ultimately incompatible partner. However, it may instead be a sign that we ourselves fear intimacy or limits and that our partner’s needs pose a healthy challenge, spurring us to finally face certain growing pains that we failed to confront earlier in life.

• Working through challenges in a relationship may strengthen it to levels beyond those attainable in relationships that are never seriously challenged – Many of us have been fed the fantasy, from Disney and elsewhere, that a healthy relationship should always be smooth sailing. In some cases, with very mature partners, smooth sailing does indicate a remarkably compatible partnership. However, in many cases, prolonged smooth sailing simply indicates a more casual, less engaged partnership. In the long run, most relationships will meet challenges. But these challenges are not necessarily signs of ultimate incompatibility. If both partners are willing to accept them as opportunities to learn, grow, practice and improve relationship skills, the challenges may eventually be remembered as pivotal catalysts in the development of real, sustainable love.

• Failing to resolve relationship challenges often leads to repeating them again in future relationships – If we simply opt out of confronting the challenges posed by symptoms in our current relationship, there is a high likelihood that we will find ourselves facing similar symptoms in a future relationship.

Comparing The Approaches and Roles of Symptom-Focused Breakup Advice and Origin-Focused Breakup Advice

Because they understand the aforementioned fundamental relationship principles, origin-focused breakup advisors are likely to take a very different approach to relationship challenges than their symptom-focused counterparts. The chart below contrasts some features of the two approaches.

This chart hints at our general preference for an origin-focused approach to breakup advice. However, symptom-focused breakup advice does have its place. In a certain set of relationships characterized by previously unforeseeable abuse, addictions or personality disorders, for example, the current relationship may indeed be the fundamental cause of unhealthy symptoms for one of the partners. In that circumstance, a fast, focused approach to escaping the relationship may be ideal or even necessary. Sometimes even an origin-focused advisor would agree that the immediate situation really is the origin of symptoms and requires swift and immediate intervention. And sometimes, even when a deeper origin-focused approach is eventually called for, it can be helpful to use a symptom-focused approach first in order to stabilize the situation.

Nonetheless, ultimately, we believe that origin-focused relationship approaches are superior in catalyzing lasting insight and health. This is especially true because, even in the portion of cases where a symptom-focused approach is most appropriate, an origin-focused advisor would be likely to recognize this. A typical symptom-focused advisor, on the other hand, is less likely to recognize cases where an origin-focused approach is optimal.

Imago Relationship Therapy: A Recommended Form of Origin-Focused Breakup Advice

One of the most comprehensive and powerful sources for origin-focused breakup advice is the field of Imago Relationship Therapy. This is why we highly recommend the field’s landmark books Keeping the Love You Find and Getting the Love You Want to singles and couples, respectively, who are struggling with challenging symptoms in their relationships.