Breakup Advice

Coping with breakups can be challenging. Breakups have the potential to simultaneously crush our hopes and dreams and trigger our deepest insecurities and fears. Yet, while some are lucky enough to marry their first love and stay married for life, most of us will at some point have to face the prospect of coping with breakups.

There are several factors that can help make the process of dealing with a breakup as optimal as it can be, including:

• Take the time and have the necessary communication to decide if you want to attempt to restore the relationship or begin the process of moving on. It will be easier to cope once you’ve made a final decision on this matter, however you will need to strike a balance between cutting off a potentially salvageable relationship too soon and dragging out a hopeless one too long.

• Expect the breakup to bring an array of emotions and allow yourself to grieve.

• Be aware that within the emotions raised by a breakup there often lie extremely important lessons about you, your identity, your past, and how you should proceed in the future. Try to look more deeply into and underneath these feelings to explore what messages they are trying to bring to your awareness.

• Use the period in which you are coping with a breakup as a time to potentially slow down and seek resources that you might otherwise not at other times. These can include finding healthy support groups, a talented therapist, or books that can give you insight into your relationship patterns right at the most teachable moment. We especially recommend Keeping the Love You Find as an excellent resource to read during any breakup period.

This is not an exhaustive list and, of course, much more can be shared about each of these points. But if you consider these factors and approaches, it can make coping with breakups, while still painful, a process that can ultimately improve your life.

I read through many breakup advice forums featuring discussions about relationship issues. Though it may take a variety of forms, there is one question that comes up repeatedly in those discussions:

“I’m suddenly having challenges with my partner. Should we breakup?”

And, in my view, there is one very solid answer to that question:

“It depends.”

Let me qualify that. If the relationship is seriously abusive, then the answer may be that it is at least time to separate and seek safety immediately. But, in any case other than that, challenges in a relationship may, but do not necessarily, mean that you are incompatible. Knowing what to do when a relationship hits such rough spots requires a certain amount of testing.

There are two key factors to keep in mind when thinking about relationship challenges.

• Relationships Go Through Phases – In Disney-type films, the movie often ends just as the Prince and Princess are beginning their relationship. We rarely get to check in and see how they are doing even one year later. Perhaps this contributes to the fantasy that relationships are supposed to be smooth sailing forever.

  In reality, there is a period of infatuation where it seems our partner can do no wrong. But it is completely normal that, in time, that phase of seeming perfection wears off. The relationship enters a second stage where we start to see things in a new light and notice problems we may have overlooked before. We may face challenges with our partner, perhaps for the first time. Again, this is completely normal. In fact, if you wait for a relationship where this never happens, you could be waiting for a very long time.

• This Second Relationship Stage Presents Tests That Can Help Us Grow and Develop – If a relationship goes on to be very serious and long-term, the partners are almost certainly going to face challenging situations together. In fact, supporting each other through challenges such as financial difficulties, the death of loved ones or the raising of a child are some of the most important benefits of having a partner in the first place.

  But how well will a couple handle these inevitable challenges if they have never learned to face challenges together earlier in the relationship? When difficulties arise after the infatuation starts to wear off, consider it a chance not to just breakup, but to put to the test how willing and able you both are to learn to work as a team to overcome obstacles together. Consider it like the beginning of training camp for the serious, but often rewarding, challenges that will face you if you do succeed as a couple.

  • Can you work together as a problem-solving team?
  • What talents do each of you bring to the table to help find solutions?
  • Are you able to communicate constructively about sensitive issues?

  Your first relationship challenges are your first opportunity to begin finding the answers to these types of crucial questions. It is in finding these answers that you will discover whether you have the potential to grow up together as long-term supportive partners or whether it may be time to breakup.

Now, any breakup advice worth its salt must admit that the right attitude alone isn’t enough. Even if you approach relationship challenges with these very healthy mindsets, solving the problems you face also requires eventually succeeding in accurately identifying the nature of the relationship problem and acquiring the right skills and tools to address it. You will need to undergo a learning period to figure out what really lies behind your particular difficulty. You may need to research books or resources, such as this website and others, which can help you identify what is really going on. You may also need to seek out certain tools – such as the ones we will share with you over time – that are needed to address the problem.

These things take time. And so it is perfectly alright that you and your partner may not actually be able to solve the problem immediately. What is important is that in attempting to carry out these tasks as a team, you will ultimately find out if you have a partner that is willing to consistently work to improve themselves and the relationship. And that is what can make all the difference. While the situation may still be painful or difficult until it is solved, if you have a partner who is as committed as you are to making things work, and willing to put in the effort as a team to do it, your relationship can ultimately end up even stronger than before.

If you are truly committed to solving the issue, then even if you can’t find the path on your own, you may seek out others, such as a talented counselor or therapist, that can help jumpstart your understanding of what is happening and help guide you toward internalizing the necessary habits and skills.

If you take this type of a constructive approach to your relationship challenges, there are only a few outcomes that are likely.

• Ideally, your partner will agree that it is worth doing the work to solve the puzzle together and the patient, steady journey of doing so will build the relationship in ways you couldn’t have imagined.
• Or, perhaps you will start to learn and practice healthier skills on your own and your partner, seeing you do so habitually for a reasonable amount of time, will eventually pick up on your role modeling and join in.
• If you take the time to learn what is necessary to give change a chance and your partner, even after a reasonable period of time, still refuses to participate, then you will have found out through your testing that you are incompatible on the most fundamental issue – the willingness to work cooperatively as partners. At that point, you may still breakup. But you will do so with the peace of mind of knowing that you fully fulfilled your part in trying to make the relationship work and with newfound knowledge and skills that will improve your life in many areas forever, even without this person in your life. And, moreover, you will begin your next relationship with an even better chance of handling it wisely.

In fact, when your friends notice your improved communication and relationships skills, it probably won’t be long before you will find them coming to you for breakup advice, asking:

“I’m suddenly having challenges with my partner. Should we breakup?”

And you’ll actually know how to answer them.