Breakup Advice

I’ve often heard people wonder why the person who they get the best relationship advice from is single. After all, if this person understands relationships so well, why aren’t they successfully having one?

It may sound logical that anyone who understands relationships well would be currently living out that understanding with a partner. But when you think about it more deeply, you realize that there are actually many reasons why a person, despite being single at the time, may offer a wealth of valuable insight to those dealing with a boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse or a breakup.

This isn’t to say that all single people offer great advice. Some really are single due to having poor understanding of relationships. Others are single for different reasons, but just happen not to be wise in this area. Also, there are plenty of people who have great relationships but, if asked how or why, wouldn’t be able to articulate it to anyone else.

Below are some reasons that great relationship advice can come from someone who is single:

• Teaching and doing involve different skills – There are some great coaches in sports that aren’t actually great at playing that sport. The necessary abilities are different. Someone can have a great mind for strategy, but simply not be strong enough physically to enact it themselves, for example. There have been some great NBA coaches who were very small physically. They could never have made it in the NBA as players, but do a very good job as analysts and strategists. The same logic can apply to relationships.
• Being single can allow for distance and objectivity – Sometimes when a person is not with a partner at the moment, they have an ability to see things more clearly since they are outside the dynamics of relationships looking in. This could especially be true if they’ve been in relationships before and now have experience from the inside and from the outside afterward, as well. They have now seen a relationship through all steps of the process from being single to courting to partnership to breaking up to being single again. This can allow them to have more knowledge than someone might have that has only been in a relationship and not yet gone through a breakup, for example.
• Sometimes being single is evidence of relationship wisdom – There are plenty of times in life when the wise choice is to be single, at least for some period of time. Someone who constantly jumps into relationships or stays in a relationship that is unhealthy may not be single, but that doesn’t mean that they are making wise choices or know more about relationships than the single person. If a person is single for the wrong reasons or because they are making misguided choices, then this might be a sign that they are a poor person to take advice from. But many people are single for all the right reasons.

• Singlehood may be wise for one person, while a relationship may be wise for another – Building on the previous point, everyone’s situation is different. Perhaps the single person is busy with work and school and doesn’t really have time to commit to a relationship at the moment, while the person they are advising has a less stressful life. The fact that the first person’s current situation is not conducive to a relationship right now doesn’t mean they are any less insightful when advising the second person.

  Or consider that the first person is simply less physically attractive so they are getting less opportunities coming their way. They may be wise to hold out until they meet someone that meets their standards. During this period, they may have a friend who is more physically attractive and receives more opportunities and could still offer them useful advice.

  What if a person had a traumatic childhood and has been in therapy to heal that? Remaining single for a while might be better than jumping prematurely into a relationship. And yet, especially as a result of being in therapy, they may have more insight than many of their friends who are rarely single. They might even have more insight because they took some time to be single and work with a therapist.

• Relationship knowledge doesn’t only come from romantic relationships – A lot of the skills and insight needed to have a healthy relationship are the same whether it is with a relative, a friend or a lover. All of these situations require a capacity for honesty, communication, empathy, understanding and so on. A single person, even one who has never had a romantic relationship, might still have a great grasp on these capacities. Perhaps they grew up in a household in which their parents had a very healthy loving relationship with each other, as well as with their children, so these abilities were modeled for them their entire life. This might even explain why now, for all the right reasons, they have high standards that must be met before they will get into a relationship, even as it explains why they have knowledge about relationships that their other friends – perhaps from less emotionally healthy households and constantly acting out their dysfunction in unhealthy relationships – lack.

These are just some of the reasons that single people may, despite being single, be great at giving relationship advice. There are likely even more.

So if you have a single friend that offers you great advice but you worry about whether you should trust it just because they’re single, you might want to relax. Being single doesn’t necessarily make them any less qualified to have strong insight. If the content of what they’re advising you is beneficial and valuable, use it…and consider yourself lucky to have their support.

I read through many breakup advice forums featuring discussions about relationship issues. Though it may take a variety of forms, there is one question that comes up repeatedly in those discussions:

“I’m suddenly having challenges with my partner. Should we breakup?”

And, in my view, there is one very solid answer to that question:

“It depends.”

Let me qualify that. If the relationship is seriously abusive, then the answer may be that it is at least time to separate and seek safety immediately. But, in any case other than that, challenges in a relationship may, but do not necessarily, mean that you are incompatible. Knowing what to do when a relationship hits such rough spots requires a certain amount of testing.

There are two key factors to keep in mind when thinking about relationship challenges.

• Relationships Go Through Phases – In Disney-type films, the movie often ends just as the Prince and Princess are beginning their relationship. We rarely get to check in and see how they are doing even one year later. Perhaps this contributes to the fantasy that relationships are supposed to be smooth sailing forever.

  In reality, there is a period of infatuation where it seems our partner can do no wrong. But it is completely normal that, in time, that phase of seeming perfection wears off. The relationship enters a second stage where we start to see things in a new light and notice problems we may have overlooked before. We may face challenges with our partner, perhaps for the first time. Again, this is completely normal. In fact, if you wait for a relationship where this never happens, you could be waiting for a very long time.

• This Second Relationship Stage Presents Tests That Can Help Us Grow and Develop – If a relationship goes on to be very serious and long-term, the partners are almost certainly going to face challenging situations together. In fact, supporting each other through challenges such as financial difficulties, the death of loved ones or the raising of a child are some of the most important benefits of having a partner in the first place.

  But how well will a couple handle these inevitable challenges if they have never learned to face challenges together earlier in the relationship? When difficulties arise after the infatuation starts to wear off, consider it a chance not to just breakup, but to put to the test how willing and able you both are to learn to work as a team to overcome obstacles together. Consider it like the beginning of training camp for the serious, but often rewarding, challenges that will face you if you do succeed as a couple.

  • Can you work together as a problem-solving team?
  • What talents do each of you bring to the table to help find solutions?
  • Are you able to communicate constructively about sensitive issues?

  Your first relationship challenges are your first opportunity to begin finding the answers to these types of crucial questions. It is in finding these answers that you will discover whether you have the potential to grow up together as long-term supportive partners or whether it may be time to breakup.

Now, any breakup advice worth its salt must admit that the right attitude alone isn’t enough. Even if you approach relationship challenges with these very healthy mindsets, solving the problems you face also requires eventually succeeding in accurately identifying the nature of the relationship problem and acquiring the right skills and tools to address it. You will need to undergo a learning period to figure out what really lies behind your particular difficulty. You may need to research books or resources, such as this website and others, which can help you identify what is really going on. You may also need to seek out certain tools – such as the ones we will share with you over time – that are needed to address the problem.

These things take time. And so it is perfectly alright that you and your partner may not actually be able to solve the problem immediately. What is important is that in attempting to carry out these tasks as a team, you will ultimately find out if you have a partner that is willing to consistently work to improve themselves and the relationship. And that is what can make all the difference. While the situation may still be painful or difficult until it is solved, if you have a partner who is as committed as you are to making things work, and willing to put in the effort as a team to do it, your relationship can ultimately end up even stronger than before.

If you are truly committed to solving the issue, then even if you can’t find the path on your own, you may seek out others, such as a talented counselor or therapist, that can help jumpstart your understanding of what is happening and help guide you toward internalizing the necessary habits and skills.

If you take this type of a constructive approach to your relationship challenges, there are only a few outcomes that are likely.

• Ideally, your partner will agree that it is worth doing the work to solve the puzzle together and the patient, steady journey of doing so will build the relationship in ways you couldn’t have imagined.
• Or, perhaps you will start to learn and practice healthier skills on your own and your partner, seeing you do so habitually for a reasonable amount of time, will eventually pick up on your role modeling and join in.
• If you take the time to learn what is necessary to give change a chance and your partner, even after a reasonable period of time, still refuses to participate, then you will have found out through your testing that you are incompatible on the most fundamental issue – the willingness to work cooperatively as partners. At that point, you may still breakup. But you will do so with the peace of mind of knowing that you fully fulfilled your part in trying to make the relationship work and with newfound knowledge and skills that will improve your life in many areas forever, even without this person in your life. And, moreover, you will begin your next relationship with an even better chance of handling it wisely.

In fact, when your friends notice your improved communication and relationships skills, it probably won’t be long before you will find them coming to you for breakup advice, asking:

“I’m suddenly having challenges with my partner. Should we breakup?”

And you’ll actually know how to answer them.