Breakup Advice

Step 1 – Make sure that you really do want to save the relationship

Often we are in pain over a relationship and want to make it last, even though deep down we know it’s not a healthy situation for us. It can be very difficult to save a relationship that we know isn’t right for us because we will be giving mixed messages and creating conflict.

Give this step some serious thought. If you truly believe the relationship is worth saving, then…

Step 2 – Give your partner what they need most at this time

What does your partner crave most right now in the relationship? In most cases, it is one of two things:

• Closeness
• Space

Odds are that lately you haven’t been meeting this need of theirs because it clashes with yours.

If you’ve been distant, it’s time to move a bit closer. If you’ve been overwhelming your partner, it’s time to move back and give them some breathing room.

Once you’ve spent some time meeting your partner’s main need and created some trust…

Step 3 – Share your stories

When you are talking to your partner, ask them to share with you the story of what has been going on for them recently in regards to the relationship. Listen carefully and mirror back what you’re hearing to make sure you’ve understood. Then ask if you can share your story. Stories are powerful. And try to focus on hearing their story and telling yours rather than finger pointing at each other at this stage.

Step 4 – Re-Romanticize

If Steps 2 and 3 of how to save a relationship have gone well, there should be some more trust and emotional rapport between you now. You might be tempted now to pressure for some kind of commitment. But instead, try putting yourselves in situations like those where you fell for each other in the first place. This is based on a technique called re-romanticizing that the great relationship therapist Harville Hendrix recommends. What did you used to be doing together when you fell in love? Go do some of those things again, even if you don’t feel like it before you do them.

Step 5 – Discuss the relationship’s status

Many people jump right to step 5. But if you do this without having built trust and comfort first, you may just push your partner further away. Only now, having done steps 1-4, it’s time to open up a more serious discussion of where things stand. If all has gone well, the bond will be rekindled between you and there will be a mutual desire to commit to each other again.

Saving a relationship can never be an exact science. Not every relationship can be saved. You can only do the best you can to make things work. Ultimately, your partner is a free person and has to make their own choice. But if you do these steps, you can be proud that you gave the relationship a chance, tried your very best to save your relationship and live with whatever the outcome is.

Someone came to us recently saying “I’ve been wondering how to save my marriage.” They wanted our best advice.

Each marriage is unique in some ways. But there are some things worth keeping in mind when attempting to salvage your partnership.

1. Accept that you can’t save your marriage alone – Even the best person with every relationship skill in the world at their disposal cannot save a relationship with someone who will not do their part. Your partner holds a lot of the chips in this situation. You can only do your best and, if it isn’t enough, live with the peace that comes from knowing you tried.
2. Determine how willing your partner is to communicate – Can you simply say to your partner “I want to know how to save my marriage.”? Is the communication that strong that you can be so open? Or do you have to start smaller and build up? Some partners are willing to talk things out and others are closed off. These situations require different strategies.
3. Start by building rapport – While you might be tempted to jump right into deep relationship discussion, sometimes it’s better to just do something to restore some comfort that you can build upon. What did you and your partner used to do when you were first falling in love? Do something to bring back those feelings and remind them of why you got together in the first place. Or think about what your partner enjoys most and surprise them by setting that up for them. Consider it an olive branch to start the process going.
4. Be conscious of defenses – Most relationship conflict stems from the partners’ emotional defense systems. These systems are set up to protect us from being hurt in ways that we are most sensitive to. They can distort situations because, while you think you are talking about the present, your unconscious minds are stuck in the past. Realizing how these systems work means you can better respond to the defenses, even when they are not rational. Al Turtle’s Relationship Wisdom website has fantastic advice on this subject.

5. Seek counseling – There is no substitute for a great guide to help you navigate the journey. We especially recommend a therapist that specializes in Imago Relationship Therapy. Even if your partner won’t go with you at first, it’s worth going to discuss the situation yourself. Eventually the partner may become more open to the idea, especially as they see the changes in you. If they don’t, you will be in a better position to end the relationship in a healthy way and get through the aftermath with that support in place.

This is the advice we offer to the person who said they wanted to know “how to save my marriage.” And we offer it to you if you are in the same position.

One last bonus note: There is another important question you should ask and that is “Should I save my marriage?” Not every relationship is healthy. If there is enough abuse or dysfunction involved, it may be better to separate. This is a big decision that a therapist can also help you make.