Breakup Advice

Today we respond to a question from a reader.

She had an on-again/off-again relationship with a particular man over the course of many years. When they were together, the situation was often stormy and she was never really able to fully invest in the relationship and its potential. But now that he is seriously dating someone else again, she is really suffering realizing what she may have lost.

She writes:

I’ve been struggling with the loss of an ex lover/best friend for months now after he met someone else.

We had a complicated 12 year history. We met at work when we were both in other relationships. We got out of those but had trouble being in a real relationship with one another. He always wanted more than I did. I felt a lot of guilt about how we met.

When we finally started dating, I could feel his resentment toward me. We both met other people with whom we dated for a couple of years. We remained friends and at some point he expressed that he was still interested. Again, we broke up with others to try to be together and it was rocky. We had an amazing connection physically and psychologically. Very deep connection. But that made it more tumultuous when things weren’t going well.

He was always trying to get me to go to therapy to work on our issues and I would start looking for someone “better.” I always thought that something new, not filled with the history, would feel better.

In the last couple of years, he lost both of his parents. I didn’t know how to help him. He was so depressed and I selfishly didn’t want to be depressed as well as it just underscored the fact that our relationship was always so heavy. Rightfully so, he developed resentment toward me for that.

We grew apart last summer and in December he started dating someone we both met through mutual friends. I found out early February and have not handled it well. I tried getting him back but of course he said that seemed reactionary and he didn’t trust it. He told me that this new thing is light and fun and refreshing after everything we had. He told me he loves me very much and will always feel connected to me but he is so angry with me for everything. He said he wants to see where his new relationship goes.

He has been with her now for over 6 months and they seem serious. He doesn’t reach out to me anymore and we don’t talk. This is a man that I never lived with, but he lives a  block away and we talked or texted almost everyday. We were close on many levels and now it’s just gone. I cannot seem to get past the pain of losing him in my life and I realize now that I let something wonderful wilt before my eyes and now I can’t revive it. I want to let him go but I’m finding it impossible to do so. I’ve tried everything from reading books, psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, acupuncture, etc. Nothing takes away the pain. How can this be? We never even had a normal relationship.

And our response:

It sounds to me like the two of you kept being drawn to each other because you had unfinished business to resolve together, but then, each time the opportunity to do this was there – perhaps by going to couples therapy or by actually doing a method like Imago together – you instead got triggered and upset and backed away again. This sounds like an example of the repetition compulsion playing out for both of you. I recommend you read this article to learn more about this. It seems like you yourself were often playing the “minimizer” role in this relationship which you can learn about there.

Now that he has strongly moved away from the relationship, the part of you that realizes you really do need someone like him to work through your issues with is hurt and scared. What if you never get another chance to work through your issues?

The “bad news” is that there is no guarantee of what this particular person will do. If you become very clear about how you’d want to proceed with him given another chance – for example, if you learn about Imago and commit that you’d want to work the program, perhaps along with seeing an Imago therapist together – it’s possible you could propose this to him and he might give things another chance now or in the future. But of course there is the possibility that he won’t. And that is something painful to accept.

The “good news,” though, is that, as much as the feelings may seem to be about him personally, they aren’t completely about him. He is a symbol, a representative of a type of person that your unconscious needs to work with to heal – the type of person you can project your unconscious onto for the purpose of growth and healing. He isn’t the only person that can serve this role. There are others out there.

So a possible way to approach it is this:

1. Learn more about Imago and the way the repetition compulsion works in relationships. The article I mentioned above can help with this.
2. Decide how you would want to proceed with this man differently given another chance so that the same cycle wouldn’t play out again and again, but you’d actually work to experience some real healing and resolution together.
3. Decide if you want to propose this to him. If you do, I would recommend doing it in a way that communicates and accepts that this is his choice, that you can’t force him or pressure him into it and that, if he does choose to return, he would have to do it on his time when he feels comfortable. You could also suggest that he read about Imago too, but that also would be his choice whether he does that.
4. If he returns, carry out this new plan with him. If he does not, instead spend that time, aided by a deeper understanding of Imago relationships, looking to get clearer on what it is about him that makes him such an attractive mate for you and seeking others that can play a similar role.

Having gone through this process, whether this partner returns or you eventually find another partner with whom you have the possibility of psychological resolution, you will be much more conscious and equipped this time to do what is necessary to achieve that resolution than you were in the past.

Finally, realize that underneath these strong attractions there are often wounds and traumas and neglects from your past and, while it can be difficult to fully resolve these by yourself, you will be healthier to the extent that you can work on them even on your own.

I hope this helps. And if you – or anyone reading – would like more direct and personal help, I do offer coaching so feel free to contact us and we can discuss working together. In coaching I would help you as much as possible myself, as well as be better able to determine what other resources I can recommend that might be helpful to you.

Are you married and sometimes think to yourself “My husband hates me”?

Every so often, we explore what people are talking about around the web in regards to relationships and breakups. Well today, we came across an interesting discussion sparked by a woman who said just that – “My husband hates me.”

Now, that is a powerful and tragic statement. And yet there is no doubt that it expresses a painful truth:

There are many marriages in which a person perceives that they are hated by their husband or in which, sadly, it is actually true.

The natural next question if you find yourself in a situation like that is “What do I do?” So let me give some thoughts on that question.

The first step, as is so often the case with perceptions and feelings, is to take a deep breath and try, to the best of your ability, to figure out if what you believe is accurate or if perhaps you are misreading the situation. There are many reasons you might misread such a situation. For instance:

• You may be projecting. This happens when you actually are feeling the dislike for the other person, but cannot admit that to yourself. So instead your mind sort of reverses things and convinces you that the other person is the one that dislikes you. This allows you to see yourself as the good person or it helps rationalize why you might be justified if you do dislike them.
• You may simply be misunderstanding. Have you ever played that game of telephone where, as the message gets passed from one person to another, it becomes more and more inaccurate? Well a similar situation can happen even between just two people when communication isn’t handled well. Perhaps your husband is angry at someone else or upset about some situation separate from you and you are misinterpreting his feelings as being about you.

It’s important to at least consider that you might be misunderstanding. But it’s also important not to go so far that you invalidate yourself and lose trust in your perceptions completely. It’s best to take a balanced approach.

If you do this and still feel it is likely that your perception is accurate, then it’s time to take the next step.

The next step is to determine if it is safe to talk to your husband about this. Ideally, you could share with him your concerns and work things out together. It may not be an easy conversation to have, but it could be very beneficial. However, this can only happen if you trust that you would not be in any danger. If the relationship has been abusive or your husband has a bad temper and you are fearful, then there may be other steps to take first.

One good step that you might want to consider is to see a therapist to discuss what you are perceiving. A good therapist may be able to help you gradually separate fact from fiction, determine whether there is a chance to communicate with your husband about your feelings and decide how to do it, as well as help support you through the process.

Another step that we would recommend is reading the section in Getting the Love You Want that describes the Container Exercise. This is an exercise that may really help you better understand the role of anger in relationships. Hatred, such as that you perceive coming from your husband, almost always involves anger at the root. And handling anger in relationships is an important and valuable skill.

If your marriage, even if imperfect, is at least safe, there is a chance not only to resolve the anger, but to channel it into a better relationship in the long run. The energy trapped in anger can often be used for growth when it is released in a wise, controlled manner, as is done with the Container Exercise. Healthy, mature communication is the absolute essential key.

However, hatred involving a person with poor impulse control or who is capable of violence can be very dangerous. And if you feel you are in danger, then the most important thing is to first protect yourself. Nothing else beneficial can happen without a foundation of safety.

Today we have a question from a 17 year old girl who is struggling to get over a breakup with her 18 year old ex-boyfriend. As with all of our readers who give us permission to post their questions and our responses, we thank her.

If you wish to ask a question, contact us. If you are willing to allow us to post your question on the site, we will work with you to protect your privacy as needed.

The reader writes:

My boyfriend and I dated for about 1 1/2 years and it was great. We fought occasionally but they never gotten too bad. Then one day I was talking about the possibly of us going on break since things felt dull between us. He freaked out and we got into the worst fight ever! We screamed at each other and he said alot of hurtful things. We managed to be resolved three weeks later, but we stayed on “break”. Then off and on again with fighting. And then finally he broke up with me after I did something I never should’ve…I involved his mother (thinking she would help him see my side). Now my number’s blocked, I’m blocked on Facebook and he refuses to have any contact with me. But I can’t seem to let him go! It’s been 3 months and I can’t seem to go a day without thinking about him. HELP!!

She adds:

I do accept that it is over and I am having trouble moving on. I do hope we can get back together. It’s something I really really hope would happen. I do want to try and get him back, but at the same time I feel like I should move on…He obviously hates me.

And finally:

I’m 17 and he’s 18. My question is, how can I move on? Like, I want to, but there’s so much around me that reminds me of him and I constantly think of him without realizing it. How can I stop that? I understand that you never get over your first love, but if it’s gonna be like this then….no thanks!

And now our response:

Dear reader,

Without knowing a lot more about the two of you it is hard to say for sure what went on here. But from what you’ve mentioned, it sounds like the problems really hit a tipping point when you mentioned the possibility of taking a break. You say he “freaked out” and you got into a fight. This would seem to indicate that he had a fear of abandonment. A fear like that often comes due to past abandonments. I don’t know what his family situation or childhood history is. But if he has had close people in his past leave him or just felt uncared for or unwanted by any of them, he could be very sensitive to having someone raise the possibility of distancing as you did.

Then you got in touch with his mother. If his family issues are in any way connected to his abandonment issues, then contacting his mother may have just stirred the pot even more. Also, though it may seem paradoxical, many people who have fears of abandonment also have fears of engulfment, in other words, fears of being violated or smothered. He may have felt that you getting in touch with his mother crossed a line and was a boundary violation, which hurt his trust. And he also may have felt ganged up on that you tried to sort of recruit his mother to side with you against him.

In any case, now the relationship is over and, though you claim you still have some fantasies of getting him back, deep down you know you need to move on. And in fact, most likely, if he felt violated by you getting in touch with his mother, then obviously continuing to try to contact him would only make him feel even more smothered. So even if there was any hope of the relationship recovering in the future, at this point it would most likely be best that you give him his space and truly work on moving on as best you can.

So now to the heart of your question: How do you move on?

The first step is to try to gain some understanding of what happened. As I mentioned, a lot of the ups and downs in relationships, especially having to do with fears of abandonment and engulfment, happen because things going on in the present remind someone of the past. So what that means is that you shouldn’t take everything that happened personally. It may not have been such an awful thing for you to suggest a break in the relationship in itself. His reaction may partly have been because of his past, which you may not have even known about. He may not even realize himself why he reacted as intensely as he did so he would project all of that anger and fear onto you, even though you don’t deserve it all. While these things do happen, and you may not be able to change it sometimes, hopefully it can help you regain a little of your self-esteem to know that not all of the bad feelings in the relationship were really about you.

The second step is to understand what attachments are really about. Usually when someone is obsessing over a person, it is because that person hits certain psychological buttons for them or symbolizes something important. What that means is that, many times, even though it feels like all your desire and need is focused on that person himself, it really isn’t about him as much as what he symbolizes or brings up in you. In the future, when you’ve had more relationships and felt this kind of feeling more times, you’ll realize that it obviously can’t be just about the person since more than one person may bring those feelings up over the course of your life. So the point is to remind yourself that your feelings may tell you it’s all about him and you can never love anyone again, but know in your head that isn’t true. In time, with the right healing, your feelings will catch up with what your mind knows.

In order to get more insight and really understand what is going on, you might want to read about attraction, relationship dynamics and so on. There are lots of resources online and also you can take a look at the books we recommend in our bookstore.

The next step is to really accept that you are going to have No Contact with this person for the foreseeable future. In fact, try not to just accept that you can’t contact him because he has cut off communications. Make the decision for yourself that you are choosing not to contact him even if you could because you need that space to heal. The important thing for you is to realize that No Contact doesn’t only mean not talking to him. It means not putting energy into the relationship at all. It means not checking his Facebook. It means not asking other people about him. It means pouring your energy into processing your own feelings, reading and learning more about what really goes on in relationships and moving on with your life.

It will hurt because a lot of times you’re using the  relationship to distract you from your own pain and past issues. But once you choose to not focus on that other person anymore you come face to face with yourself. It hurts but it is a good thing as you can finally make sense of and process your own past issues. Having been in a relationship with him, you likely also have some issues with abandonment, engulfment and so on from your own family or close relationships. And now you can get some insight into that.

Don’t be harsh with yourself. If he pops in your mind trying to force yourself not to think about him won’t help. But just let it pass and refocus your mind again and again on yourself and your own feelings. Practice that skill of calmly refocusing even when your mind doesn’t want to. And this is also why it’s good to spend some of this time reading and researching to learn more about relationships since it will give your mind something else to focus on instead of directly on him while still addressing what you’re feeling in a constructive way, rather than by trying to avoid dealing with what you’re feeling altogether.

Finally, if you are having a real hard time therapy is an option to consider. A great therapist can help you work through what is keeping you stuck and help you grow from this experience.

I really hope this helps you deal with this difficult time. When you’re young these things can feel like they will last forever. But just know that in time this will pass and you have a lot of time and will have other opportunities to love again.