Breakup Advice

Today we have another question from a reader.

This question is from a woman who had a long relationship with a partner who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) that ended after that partner cheated. The relationship was challenging, not only because of the involvement of BPD, but also because of this reader’s feeling it needed to be kept secret from her family for some time. Now that the relationship is over, she is struggling with codependent symptoms, “what ifs” and a sense of lost value – all very common in these kinds of relationships.

She writes:

Hi,

I’ve read things on your site about relationships with people with borderline. I dated my Ex for 4 years, and I am struggling now as it ended.

I caught her cheating on me, from the very start I told her there was only one thing she could do that would make me leave and it was cheating.

She told me from the start about all her prior relationships and how the ex did something wrong. SO i guess I went into it thinking I wont make the mistakes that they made. Yet I couldn’t tell my family that I was dating a girl, I keep our relationship a secret for over 2 years and I know that killed her.

We broke up once and while we split I did tell my family, we got back together but it only lasted for 4 months. She told me, she wasn’t happy that she felt like she tried and gave it everything she had. All the reasons she gave for ending it make sense. She said we have nothing in common, which isn’t totally true but it is in ways. That all we did was go to the gym, party and cook. We did other things to but that was alot of it.

I’m struggling to let her go, in my head I feel like she won’t come back cause she is scared. I know she’s seeing someone else already.

I guess I need help I think I became co-dependant how do I start to recover. All I can do is think about her, how if i was better it wouldn’t have ended? I keep wanting to contact her, like she’s a drug that I need to feel better about myself.

And our response:

Hi and thanks for your question. I really empathize with you as I know the ending of these relationships that involve a disorder like Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) are especially painful.

In any breakup, there is always the question of whether the relationship is truly over (or should be over) or not. If the relationship has the potential to be a healthy one and there is a chance to continue it, then that possibility is worth considering. However, from your story, it sounds like this is a relationship that even you have determined should probably be over based on the cheating and the fact that you yourself feel there may not have been enough in common. So, while there are some things I could say about getting back together if the situation merited that, I am going to answer this as if the relationship is over and the subject is really about you handling the breakup optimally.

First of all, the last line of your email holds the key to the early phase of your recovery. Relationships between codependents and those with BPD really are quite addictive. So your early recovery model is quite similar to coming off of an addictive substance – namely the powerful neurochemicals that were produced while in the relationship. It involves simply refraining from going back to the drug long enough to process what is coming up.

I say “simply” but of course this requires a great deal of focus, effort and consistent habits. It is challenging and painful. But, during this phase, by not returning to the relationship, you will allow many insights and growth opportunities that were being suppressed to become available. It is really helpful in this phase to be working with someone who can help not only support you through this difficult period, but also help you glean all the developmental benefits you can which will then serve you later in all phases of your life and in ways you might not even expect at the moment. You can get through this withdrawal phase by reading as much as you can on the subject to keep yourself conscious and focused on recovery. But the ideal is really a therapist or coach who can reflect back to you in a very personal way that is customized to you.

In any case, the secret to these recoveries is getting through that initial phase, not running back to the relationship, and facing and processing all of the energies that surface – the energies the relationship was helping you avoid facing.

As you move through that early phase of recovery and into the later phases, you may be surprised as you realize that your ex was not really the issue, per se, but rather a symbol and a catalyst to push other aspects of your life into your awareness. In the later phases of recovery from this kind of relationship, you may find yourself becoming more clear about not only how to better approach future relationships, but about your past history, your family dynamics, your identity, and your life direction in many areas. You may eventually look back on this healing process as part of what helped you become who you are at that future date.

Here are just a few more points I’d like to add:

• You mentioned how your ex would complain about her past exes and give you the impression that you may be the special person who would turn out to be different. This is a common story you will hear from people who were involved with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. And, if you are codependent, the notion of being the one who breaks their pattern of bad relationships and proves to them that wonderful love is possible will be an enticing one. However, very often, the past exes were put in the same position. And, in reality, none of you ever had a chance of making things turn out differently because the person with BPD, as part of the nature of their disorder, plays out a script in which they will sabotage the relationship regardless of how you are trying to make it better. In short, if your partner was truly BPD, there is likely little that you could have done to make it work unless she was working diligently in therapy of her own to heal the root sources of her BPD.
• You mention that if your ex is a drug, the payoff of the drug is that you feel better about yourself. I interpret this as a self-esteem issue, which is also commonly revealed in these types of breakups. The partner fills a void and allows you to feel special and meaningful, perhaps in a way that you rarely have in your life. When they leave, since the special feeling was not internalized to yourself, it throws your assessment of your value into question. In recovery, it’s crucial to start building your own self-esteem, esteem that you have for yourself that is not dependent on someone else.
• Since you had to hide the relationship from your family for a time, that indicates there is likely some family drama involved too which both led to why you were psychologically configured in such a way as to attract relationships like this, and probably needs to be explored as part of your recovery.
• The fact that you are already aware of codependence and have considered that you might be experiencing that pattern shows that you are already somewhat conscious. That, combined with the fact that you are reaching out for help, bodes well for you as you move into recovering.
• Give yourself time and practice patience. Healing from an intense relationship like this, especially a long-term one, is a process. 4 years is a long time to be with someone so intimately and it can sometimes take several months, at least, to start really feeling consistently stronger again. Focus on taking one step in the right direction at a time. And, even if the pain isn’t getting better immediately, continue taking those steps each day. Eventually, sometimes when you’ve forgotten to even notice, you’ll find your burden is lightening.

If you (or anyone reading this) would like support in working through any or all phases of this kind of recovery, I offer phone sessions to help with that. I have worked with people in this situation for many years and have a lot of particular experience with relationships involving disorders like Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I will help you make sense of the situation, offer intellectual and emotional support through the early painful phases, and – in the long run – help you turn what can be a painful nightmare into a chance to rebuild your life stronger than ever.

If you’d like to explore working with me, you can simply get in touch through the Contact Us page and we can discuss how I can best help you.

But wherever you turn for support, I hope that this advice will put you in the right frame of mind so that you will one day look back on this experience as a tremendous aid in your personal development.

You’ve been single for a while now. Or you feel yourself approaching or are in the middle of a breakup. And you start to wonder…“Will I ever find love?”

This is one of those haunting questions. Even when we are not focusing on it consciously, it is in the back of our minds. And it has a huge impact on how we think about and act in relationships and in the rest of our lives.

The fact is that there is no guarantee that any of us will find love, especially the kind of love we fantasize about. And that is a very tough reality to accept.

However, like so many dynamics of relationships, there is a paradox here.

You might have heard the old cliché about how a watched pot never boils. In other words, sometimes when you focus too much on the endpoint of a process, it makes that endpoint much harder to achieve. Yet when you focus instead on the process itself and let go of the endpoint, suddenly it can happen before you know it.

Imagine two weightlifters.

• Weightlifter A stares at the weight for hours wondering “Will I ever be able to lift this weight?”
• Weightlifter B looks at the weight, wonders for a few minutes, and then spends the next couple hours working out.

Which one do you think has the better chance of ultimately lifting the weight?

The lesson about relationships here is that, when it comes to love, although it is tempting to fantasize and hope and wonder “Will I ever find love?” in the long run that activity, in itself, doesn’t really help us. I’m not saying you shouldn’t think about that now and then. But there are things you can do that are more likely to benefit you.

So when that question pops in your head, as it naturally will from time to time, it’s OK to let it linger for a bit. You might even want to get out your journal or diary and write out your feelings about it. But then, it’s good to get in the habit of making the switch from focusing your energy on the endpoint to investing it in actions that will actually help you develop.

With practice, you might even be able to create a sort of reflex where each time you think “Will I ever find love?” you more and more quickly switch that thought in your mind to “What can I do to increase my chances of finding love?”

It’s a sort of replacement maneuver.

“Will I ever find love?” —-> “What can I do to increase my chances of finding love?”

The questions you ask help determine which direction you go in. The second question is often a more constructive one than the first.

Nobody knows if or when you or anyone else will find love for certain. But what we do know is that the more you work on the things that ready you for love, the better off you will be. Hopefully the many tools and resources available – such as those that we recommend in our store – can assist you in making the best use of that time that, until now, you spent just hoping, fantasizing and dreaming.

Be like Weightlifter B in the earlier example. Take a moment to let yourself feel your feelings. Don’t run away from them. But also don’t dwell on them forever. Build the habit of making that switch from “It’s time to experience the curiosity and concern about my future.” to “It’s time to get to work!”

The best part of that plan is that, ultimately, even if you don’t find the love you want, you will still end up a better person. You might even discover that there are other things in life that you value in addition to that kind of love that you’ve always wanted. Or you might develop into someone whose idea of what love is all about is different than it was before.