Breakup Advice

Abandonment issues, symptoms of which can take a variety of forms, are probably one of the single most common causes of unhealthy relationships and breakups. On one hand, they can lead to jealousy, pushiness and verbal and physical abuse. On the other hand, they can lead to distancing and coldness.

What are the symptoms of abandonment issues and how can we recognize them?

It is helpful to divide abandonment issues symptoms into two categories. These categories are based on the two main categories of defensive styles identified by Harville Hendrix in his books Keeping the Love You Find and Getting the Love You Want.

The first category is called maximizing. Maximizing takes place when a person responds to a failure to get their needs met by becoming overly aggressive and reactive in coping with the resulting wound.

So, for example, if a person’s parents or other significant caregivers are not sufficiently present physically and/or emotionally for them at some formative stage in life, they may, later in life, act in an excessively forward manner trying to fill the void. They also may become very upset or angry at even the perception that someone they care about is not or may soon not be as close to them as they wish.

Abandonment issues symptoms that take this maximizing form can include:

• Frequent complaints about their partner’s distance

• Attempts to guilt their partner into being present more often

• Refusing to accept reasonable boundaries

• Hints and accusations that their partner has been unfaithful

• Insistence on being involved in every aspect of their partner’s life

The second category of abandonment issues symptoms is called minimizing. Minimizing takes place when a person responds to a failure to get their needs met by trying to simply cut off awareness of those needs in an attempt to numb the pain of the resulting wound.

So, for example, if a person’s parents or other significant caregivers are not sufficiently present physically and/or emotionally for them at some formative stage in life, they may, later in life, act very stoically and independently, refusing to fully admit their need for healthy attachments or to participate in relationships that could involve the risks associated with intimacy.

Abandonment issues symptoms that take this minimizing form can include:

• Frequent attempts to cut off emotional discussions, either by changing the subject or physically leaving the situation
• Refusal to actively show affection
• Putting down those that openly display vulnerability, painting them as weak
• Long periods of consistent behavior periodically interrupted by emotional explosions when tensions build to the boiling point.

In most relationships, each partner falls more or less into one of these categories. And understanding these dynamics is especially important since, typically, a maximizer and minimizer attract each other.

So look for these abandonment issues symptoms in your relationships and, when you recognize them, remember that these behaviors are rooted in deep pains from the past. Luckily, with the right techniques, such as those championed in Imago Relationship Therapy, abandonment issues can be resolved when partners work together to do so. And this can lead to a very powerful connection and lasting love.

When deciding whether to break up with your boyfriend, you may wonder where you can find a “Should I Break Up With My Boyfriend Quiz”

You’d like a list of questions that can help jog your mind and help you come to some conclusion about what to do in a challenging relationship.

The best recommendation of all that we can give is that you take a look at one of Harville Hendrix’s Imago Relationship books. Along with their text, they have quizzes and exercises included that can absolutely change your life and way of thinking about relationships forever. These books are even better than a simple “Should I Break Up With My Boyfriend Quiz.”

If your partner is willing to work with you in exploring what to do next in the relationship, then you should consider Getting the Love You Want.

It even has a workbook that goes along with it.

If you are going to be exploring on your own, then you can consider Keeping the Love You Find.

All of these books are excellent and will not only help you decide “Should I Break Up With My Boyfriend?” now, but will help you make wiser decisions in your relationships for the rest of your life.

But in case you just want our thoughts on some basic questions you should consider before you finally commit to staying or cutting ties with a boyfriend, we’ve put together a list of some questions we think are most important to think about.

In some cases the decision about whether to break up or not is easy. But in many cases, in the gray areas, there is no quiz that can give you a totally clear answer. But hopefully a quiz like this can at least help you come closer to clarity.

Two more notes:

• This quiz can work just as well for guys trying to decide whether to break up with a girlfriend as, for the most part, the deepest issues involved are similar.
• Some of the questions may be ones you didn’t realize are relevant or that probe more deeply than you expected. That is a reflection of our belief that romantic relationships involve issues and feelings from many periods in our lives and from many aspects of ourselves, even when this is not always obvious.

So without further adieu, here is our short “Should I Break Up With My Boyfriend Quiz”

1. Is there physical abuse in the relationship? – If physical abuse is involved in the relationship, this raises the stakes considerably. You may wish to talk to a counselor or therapist to determine the level of danger that you face and how to best respond.
2. Is there emotional abuse in the relationship? – Emotional abuse can also be devastating and, if it is serious, you also may wish to seek counseling or therapy, not only to decide what to do about the relationship, but to understand better why you are drawn to an emotionally abusive partner in the first place.

3. Is your partner conscious about their triggers? – One of the biggest dividing lines in relationships is between partners who are conscious vs. unconscious about the sources of emotions that lead to conflict. All relationships have some level of conflict, but the key is whether partners understand or even think about why certain things hit their buttons.

   If your partner never stops to question why certain things make them very upset or very excited, this is a very bad sign. You might wish to learn more about how certain past issues trigger us and talk about that with your partner. Keeping the Love You Find and Getting the Love You Want can teach you a great deal about this and you can read them and then bring them up in conversation or share them with your partner.

   If your partner is sometimes or often willing to consider that they get upset by something in the relationship because of something in their past, this is a very good sign and there may be a chance to build more insight in the relationship with time and work.

4. Is your partner willing to consider or talk about the real motives behind triggers? – It is perfectly understandable if your partner does not realize how issues in the present relationship often stem from the past. Many of us never learn this growing up or are even discouraged from learning it. But if your partner is unwilling to learn or talk about these dynamics now, that is a bad sign. If your partner is open to talk about such dynamics, this means there is likely more hope for the relationship to become healthy. Be patient. Some partners are uncomfortable about these discussions due to painful situations that they may bring to memory. You don’t have to bring up every issue at once. But if you can make progress over time, then this means the relationship has a chance to grow and improve and may be worth giving a shot.
5. Do you share the same core beliefs about relationships themselves? – Partners often talk about who they believe is the best band or what activities they believe are most fun, yet fail to become clear on what may be the most important beliefs of all in a relationship – beliefs about relationships.

   Does your partner believe relationships are meant to be fun and carefree or more businesslike? Does your partner believe that girlfriends and boyfriends in relationships should be equals or that one or the other partner should be more dominant? Does your partner believe in sharing everything, such as information and money, or that partners should have some degree of separation? How do those beliefs compare to yours?

   Differences in belief in many areas can be compatible with a healthy relationship or even make it more interesting. But differences in belief about relationships themselves can make a partnership extremely challenging. If possible, talk to your partner about these issues. And, as always, the more unwilling your partner is to talk about them, the more difficult the relationship is likely to be.

Ultimately, if you are really torn on what to do, you could always benefit from a good counselor or therapist, either individually or as a couple. If your partner is willing to get involved in such activities, that is always a good sign. If you find a talented therapist, then even if you eventually break up, you will do so with more confidence in your decision and with lessons you can take with you into the future.

There really is no simple “Should I Break Up With My Boyfriend Quiz” that can substitute for deeper exploration. But hopefully these questions can get you started in thinking about your relationship in a more profound way and open up a path to making a wise decision about your future.

Today we have a question from a reader who, in his late 20’s, started dating a 19 year old woman and seemed potentially headed for marriage. However, after a couple years, the relationship started to grow more unstable, leading to a painful breakup. He is struggling to deal with the aftermath, especially given their close proximity, and asks for some advice.

The reader has allowed us to post the question and response, which is always appreciated. As always, contact us if you’d like advice and we will be sure to respect your privacy by only posting your question with permission and with any changes you prefer to protect your anonymity.

The reader writes:

My girlfriend and I had a “break” which turned into a breakup. We were together two and half years and it was my first relationship. It wasn’t an ideal breakup either. She was 19 when we started dating and I was in my late 20′s. After about a year we were talking about marriage and future plans, but when she turned 21 she really started getting distracted and annoyed. Very quickly everything I said was dismissed or brushed aside like I was repeating myself. It wasn’t long after that she wanted a “break.” I thought she just needed time, maybe a year of fun with her friends, and it looked like that might be true because she started going out with her friends and having a blast. She still would say things like “why did we break up again?” or “maybe one day we’ll get back together.” She even said that one day we might get back together as soon as a month ago.

Now though, she has a new boyfriend and when we talk (once a month) she takes everything I say as some kind of insult or nosiness, and asks why I can’t just get over her. All of a sudden she can’t see me any other way. I’ve hit rock bottom so many times the last seven months. I had all kinds of trouble with anxiety and depression, I’ve lost all interest in everything, I feel nauseated often, and it doesn’t feel like this can end well. She’s gone now and I know I can’t talk to her because it’s too painful, but the thing is she works at my job. We work 40 feet from each other. Plus when I moved to this city our relationship took over my life. Everything about this area has a memory of her and I. I see these places everyday. What’s worse is she is a 5 minute drive from me. I drive by there all the time and see her family outside. What do I do? I’m going insane. She’s gone, but she’s not gone, she doesn’t want me, but I’m still in love with her.

And now our response:

Dear Reader:

First of all, I’m sorry you find yourself in such a painful situation. Breakups can really be devastating because they can dredge up difficult feelings from multiple levels at once.

The first thing that struck me upon reading your story is the ages. Your girlfriend was very young and likely at a point in life where she didn’t really know who she was. It’s common, even in healthy people, to still be forming one’s identity at 19-21 years old. So it’s entirely possible that she really felt your relationship was right at first and for a while thereafter, but then felt a drive leading her to explore elsewhere in order to develop other parts of herself before committing to any path and then some feelings of wanting to go back to you and so on, even going back and forth multiple times. There wasn’t the stability that there might be with an older more developed person. So that might partly explain why the ups and downs of this played out as they did.

Also, I notice that you were in your late 20′s when this started and therefore a significant bit older than her. I don’t raise that to say that there is necessarily anything wrong with that. There are certainly healthy wonderful relationships between people of those ages. But it is also sometimes the case that when a guy is more comfortable playing situations out with someone at that much younger, less developed age, he too has some unformed identity issues that put him at a similar level of maturity. You mentioned that in your late 20′s this was your first relationship. So that leads me to suspect that there is something to the notion that, despite the age gap, the level of development and maturity in certain areas may have been similar.

So the age issues alone may lead to some insight about what was going on there and why there was the instability.

It is sort of an archetypal situation, I think, where the inexperienced somewhat older guy becomes absolutely smitten with the lively exciting younger woman. And, in turn, the younger woman, at first, gets a real boost from this older guy noticing her and thinking she is special. Things can move very fast, with fantasies being thrown about and the feeling that all wounds are healed and all life will be wonderful from then on. But without the actual maturity to back it up, it is all built on sand and soon crumbles, leaving a lot of pain.

There is also the very slight possibility that some of the signs you mention point to something like Borderline Personality Disorder. I’m not saying she has that or not. I don’t have nearly enough information. And actually at this point I would say it’s not that likely just from what you said. But some of the things point to that a little, such as her unstable view of you and her apparent lack of empathy for why you are so hurt and expecting it to just go away simply because she suddenly has lost interest. Also, I think that sometimes issues like that are common in the older guy-younger woman situation. So that is just a possibility to consider, though certainly not anything solid. Honestly it sounds more like just the normal instability of a younger woman. But I wanted to just mention this so you can look into it more and see what you think.

Now it sounds like this has all left you in a very painful place. It is possible you are experiencing a sort of withdrawal, rather than just typical healthy heartbreak or depression. A lot of the things you mention point to that.

So there are some things I’d recommend.

First of all, as hard as it is, it is probably best for you to accept and even decide for yourself that it is over with her once and for all – that even if she wanted to come back you are no longer willing. I know this is hard to do as you probably harbor many fantasies of her running back to you and how everything would magically be ok. And it’s certainly possible to put together some scheme to valiantly try to win her back. But keep in mind that realistically, even if she came back, she is still the same person at basically the same level of stability and would likely go back and forth again putting you through hell. Also this is someone who, from what you say, seems to lack much empathy for you when you’re going through a rough time. Obviously you’re very attracted to her, but that attraction doesn’t mean she is healthy for you.

And so try to remember this as you decide to accept that the relationship is over and that it is likely best for you, even when your body and your emotions may tell you otherwise at the moment. It is possible that she will grow more and in a few years realize that you really were right for each other. But even if that did happen, it still wouldn’t help you right now to focus on that. It would still be better for you to decide that this is over and give yourself that clarity so you can heal. Whatever will happen years from now can likely only be helped by you treating the situation, for any foreseeable future, as done. If she already knows how you feel, knows you’d like to reunite and is with someone else and treating your pain as a nuisance, I think it’s safe to say that you’ve said your peace and can accept it’s over without worrying that you left some great possibility unexplored.

Second, it may help you at this time to pour yourself into seeking insight and understanding about what you’re going through. There are a couple of books we recommend often that might help you a great deal right now.

	How to Break Your Addiction to a Person by Howard Halpern – This book may really open your eyes about why the breakup is taking the toll on you it is, down to the level of feeling nausea and so on.
	Keeping the Love You Find by Harville Hendrix – This book will give you some deep revelations about why you were attracted to this person in particular, what was psychologically driving you two together, as well as apart, and how you can work on some of these issues to heal and prepare for another relationship in the future.

You are a late bloomer and didn’t have your first relationship until late, and so I imagine part of your pain is the feeling you can never find anyone like this again. Her attention and attraction to you made you feel special and boosted your ego. And losing that is like losing a drug in your system in a way. But you can certainly have other relationships in the future. Some of us have been through multiple breakups, each of them feeling like the end of life, and after a few you realize that the feelings are coming from somewhere important but that, without some interpretation skills, it isn’t always easy to correctly decipher their message. Those books will give you a lot of understanding about that.

Finally, you do have a very tough logistical situation. I would absolutely recommend full No Contact at this stage, even cutting off the once a month talks, to give you the space to heal. But you seem unable to really do that completely. I can only advise that you do as much of it as you can and, when forced to come into contact, use some way of internally protecting yourself, like focusing on something else in your mind as best you can. Your situation reminds me of that song “Always Something There”.  It’s really a hard one.

If things do get severe enough and continue long enough, though, then I would recommend your next step be to find a therapist who specializes in relationship and attachment type issues and possibly even relationship addiction. They would understand what you’re going through. And the next step, which if necessary you could discuss with that therapist, is to consider if you need to move, perhaps even just temporarily, to give you the space you need. That may not be necessary and with time you may find this easing up, especially as you look at some of the resources I’ve recommended and understand what is going on and heal up some. But it’s a possibility for the future if needed.

The last thing is just to have a little faith that there are all of these options to help you get through this and you really can do it and you’re not alone. Breakups, especially when there are the kinds of self-esteem and identity issues this may have involved, can lead to feelings of hopelessness. You feel like it will never end and you will never feel any joy or security again. But there are millions of people who can attest that, in a few years, you’ll probably look back on this with a little remorse, but have it in better perspective and actually be stronger than you are now if you use the experience for healing.

Thanks for writing and best of luck