Breakup Advice

Abandonment issues, symptoms of which can take a variety of forms, are probably one of the single most common causes of unhealthy relationships and breakups. On one hand, they can lead to jealousy, pushiness and verbal and physical abuse. On the other hand, they can lead to distancing and coldness.

What are the symptoms of abandonment issues and how can we recognize them?

It is helpful to divide abandonment issues symptoms into two categories. These categories are based on the two main categories of defensive styles identified by Harville Hendrix in his books Keeping the Love You Find and Getting the Love You Want.

The first category is called maximizing. Maximizing takes place when a person responds to a failure to get their needs met by becoming overly aggressive and reactive in coping with the resulting wound.

So, for example, if a person’s parents or other significant caregivers are not sufficiently present physically and/or emotionally for them at some formative stage in life, they may, later in life, act in an excessively forward manner trying to fill the void. They also may become very upset or angry at even the perception that someone they care about is not or may soon not be as close to them as they wish.

Abandonment issues symptoms that take this maximizing form can include:

• Frequent complaints about their partner’s distance

• Attempts to guilt their partner into being present more often

• Refusing to accept reasonable boundaries

• Hints and accusations that their partner has been unfaithful

• Insistence on being involved in every aspect of their partner’s life

The second category of abandonment issues symptoms is called minimizing. Minimizing takes place when a person responds to a failure to get their needs met by trying to simply cut off awareness of those needs in an attempt to numb the pain of the resulting wound.

So, for example, if a person’s parents or other significant caregivers are not sufficiently present physically and/or emotionally for them at some formative stage in life, they may, later in life, act very stoically and independently, refusing to fully admit their need for healthy attachments or to participate in relationships that could involve the risks associated with intimacy.

Abandonment issues symptoms that take this minimizing form can include:

• Frequent attempts to cut off emotional discussions, either by changing the subject or physically leaving the situation
• Refusal to actively show affection
• Putting down those that openly display vulnerability, painting them as weak
• Long periods of consistent behavior periodically interrupted by emotional explosions when tensions build to the boiling point.

In most relationships, each partner falls more or less into one of these categories. And understanding these dynamics is especially important since, typically, a maximizer and minimizer attract each other.

So look for these abandonment issues symptoms in your relationships and, when you recognize them, remember that these behaviors are rooted in deep pains from the past. Luckily, with the right techniques, such as those championed in Imago Relationship Therapy, abandonment issues can be resolved when partners work together to do so. And this can lead to a very powerful connection and lasting love.

A lot of people, when wondering what to do in their love life, turn to relationship advice columns. There are many columns out there and they often give contradictory advice. So which ones should you believe?

The first thing to understand about relationship advice columns is that their writers all subscribe to different schools of thought. There are as many schools of thought about relationships as there are about other controversial topics such as politics or religion. And this can make it confusing to figure out whose words of wisdom really are wise for you to follow.

One thing that can help is realizing that these many schools of thought can basically be grouped, as we have discussed before, into two main categories:

• Symptom-Focused Breakup Advice
• Origin-Focused Breakup Advice

When you just need a quick fix to a superficial problem and are truly alright with knowing you will probably have to face it again in some form later, symptom-focused breakup advice – and relationship advice columns that take that perspective – can be useful.

However, in most cases, we at Breakup-Advice.org favor an Origin-Focused approach for reasons laid out in the blog post linked above.

When you are considering a relationship advice column, you need to think critically. Start by reading a few of the author’s pieces and deciding if they tend to write from a symptom-focused or origin-focused mindset. Some authors may combine the two and, if done well, this can be very helpful.

In the end you will have to make up your own mind about which school of thought on relationships appeals to you – or, more importantly, which one you think is actually accurate. Just know that there are various perspectives and don’t simply believe the first one you read offers the golden ticket to happiness.

Now what relationship advice column do we recommend?

Since we strongly favor the Imago Relationship approach, it is no surprise that we recommend columns by people involved in that community. And there is one in particular that stands out.

Al Turtle is a therapist who works in the Imago tradition and he runs a website where he addresses countless questions about relationships and offers his wisdom. It is appropriately titled Al Turtle’s Relationship Wisdom. We have no doubt you will find it extremely enlightening.

Al’s is the column with which we are most familiar. But if you do some searching, you can find others written by people schooled in Imago therapy. For example, with a quick search we discovered that Stacy Notaras Murphy, a certified Imago Couples Therapist, writes a relationship advice column for The Georgetowner.

Ultimately, the best advice of all is to read a variety of relationship advice columns by people from different schools of thought and, over time, compare and contrast them to find the ones that really have the most to offer.

Your relationship used to be great. Fun. Closeness. Connection. But along the way something went wrong. And you’re left wondering how to mend a broken relationship.

There are several steps involved in doing that. But they all revolve around one thing – communication.

Communication is the absolutely essential element in mending a broken relationship. But what should you communicate and how should you communicate it?

Well it all starts with sharing your feelings with your partner. First of all, communicate that you have a desire to mend the broken relationship. Also, communicate the fact that you know that in order to resolve the issues between you, you will need to be open and honest but do it in a loving way.

How does your partner respond?

Obviously, if your partner does not wish to mend the broken relationship and is dead set against doing so, there is little that you can do. A relationship requires both people and if you are the only one willing to put in the effort then you are better off cutting your losses, beginning the healing process and preparing to find a new relationship with a more equal partner. If you wish, you can let your partner know that you are open to revisiting the situation if they change their mind in the future. But if this will keep you from having the closure you need to move on, it may be better to simply let go.

If this is the case and you need help in dealing with the heartbreak, then we have many resources to help you through that process.

But, hopefully, your partner is willing to meet you halfway. If so, then the next steps in communication come into play.

One exercise that can be very helpful at this point is what is called Intentional Dialogue, a form of communication explained in the wonderful book Getting the Love You Want. In this process, one of you agrees to share your experience and the other agrees to listen to what you say and then paraphrase it back until the speaker feels accurately heard. Then you switch roles and the speaker becomes the listener and paraphraser. This may sound simple but it can be deceptively challenging and eye opening.

If you aren’t comfortable with the process right away, you may want to practice it first while just talking about everyday topics to get used to openly expressing thoughts and feelings and listening and reflecting back to each other.

Using Intentional Dialogue, go back and forth until you are able to at least clearly define what conflicts or issues are causing the distance between you.

You can be even more effective by integrating into the Intentional Dialogue some ideas taught by another communication technique called Nonviolent Communication.

This method advises that you especially focus on what feelings are involved (anger, jealousy, apathy, boredom, frustration?) and what needs are not being met (appreciation, closeness, stimulation, trust, security?) for each of you. Once you are both clear on each other’s feelings and unmet needs and have communicated them well enough that each can repeat them back to the other in a way that makes both feel accurately heard, you have made great progress.

At this point, you can talk about how each of you can take steps to better meet those needs for each other and plan ways to do so.

Hopefully through this simplified process, you can take the early steps to mend a broken relationship. However, it is important to keep in mind that relationship dynamics often are complex and can involve issues going all the way back to childhood for both partners. If you communicate well, understand each other’s feelings and needs, but still find it difficult to satisfy each other, you may be dealing with deeper challenges. But the good news is that resolving such challenges is one of the main purposes for having relationships in the first place.

If you find that you need to take further steps in learning how to mend a broken relationship, then you may want to go beyond the Intentional Dialoguing and invest in learning more about the full Imago Relationship process from which it comes. This process is described in Getting the Love You Want and many therapists trained in it can help you.