Breakup Advice

Today we respond to a question from a reader.

She had an on-again/off-again relationship with a particular man over the course of many years. When they were together, the situation was often stormy and she was never really able to fully invest in the relationship and its potential. But now that he is seriously dating someone else again, she is really suffering realizing what she may have lost.

She writes:

I’ve been struggling with the loss of an ex lover/best friend for months now after he met someone else.

We had a complicated 12 year history. We met at work when we were both in other relationships. We got out of those but had trouble being in a real relationship with one another. He always wanted more than I did. I felt a lot of guilt about how we met.

When we finally started dating, I could feel his resentment toward me. We both met other people with whom we dated for a couple of years. We remained friends and at some point he expressed that he was still interested. Again, we broke up with others to try to be together and it was rocky. We had an amazing connection physically and psychologically. Very deep connection. But that made it more tumultuous when things weren’t going well.

He was always trying to get me to go to therapy to work on our issues and I would start looking for someone “better.” I always thought that something new, not filled with the history, would feel better.

In the last couple of years, he lost both of his parents. I didn’t know how to help him. He was so depressed and I selfishly didn’t want to be depressed as well as it just underscored the fact that our relationship was always so heavy. Rightfully so, he developed resentment toward me for that.

We grew apart last summer and in December he started dating someone we both met through mutual friends. I found out early February and have not handled it well. I tried getting him back but of course he said that seemed reactionary and he didn’t trust it. He told me that this new thing is light and fun and refreshing after everything we had. He told me he loves me very much and will always feel connected to me but he is so angry with me for everything. He said he wants to see where his new relationship goes.

He has been with her now for over 6 months and they seem serious. He doesn’t reach out to me anymore and we don’t talk. This is a man that I never lived with, but he lives a  block away and we talked or texted almost everyday. We were close on many levels and now it’s just gone. I cannot seem to get past the pain of losing him in my life and I realize now that I let something wonderful wilt before my eyes and now I can’t revive it. I want to let him go but I’m finding it impossible to do so. I’ve tried everything from reading books, psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, acupuncture, etc. Nothing takes away the pain. How can this be? We never even had a normal relationship.

And our response:

It sounds to me like the two of you kept being drawn to each other because you had unfinished business to resolve together, but then, each time the opportunity to do this was there – perhaps by going to couples therapy or by actually doing a method like Imago together – you instead got triggered and upset and backed away again. This sounds like an example of the repetition compulsion playing out for both of you. I recommend you read this article to learn more about this. It seems like you yourself were often playing the “minimizer” role in this relationship which you can learn about there.

Now that he has strongly moved away from the relationship, the part of you that realizes you really do need someone like him to work through your issues with is hurt and scared. What if you never get another chance to work through your issues?

The “bad news” is that there is no guarantee of what this particular person will do. If you become very clear about how you’d want to proceed with him given another chance – for example, if you learn about Imago and commit that you’d want to work the program, perhaps along with seeing an Imago therapist together – it’s possible you could propose this to him and he might give things another chance now or in the future. But of course there is the possibility that he won’t. And that is something painful to accept.

The “good news,” though, is that, as much as the feelings may seem to be about him personally, they aren’t completely about him. He is a symbol, a representative of a type of person that your unconscious needs to work with to heal – the type of person you can project your unconscious onto for the purpose of growth and healing. He isn’t the only person that can serve this role. There are others out there.

So a possible way to approach it is this:

1. Learn more about Imago and the way the repetition compulsion works in relationships. The article I mentioned above can help with this.
2. Decide how you would want to proceed with this man differently given another chance so that the same cycle wouldn’t play out again and again, but you’d actually work to experience some real healing and resolution together.
3. Decide if you want to propose this to him. If you do, I would recommend doing it in a way that communicates and accepts that this is his choice, that you can’t force him or pressure him into it and that, if he does choose to return, he would have to do it on his time when he feels comfortable. You could also suggest that he read about Imago too, but that also would be his choice whether he does that.
4. If he returns, carry out this new plan with him. If he does not, instead spend that time, aided by a deeper understanding of Imago relationships, looking to get clearer on what it is about him that makes him such an attractive mate for you and seeking others that can play a similar role.

Having gone through this process, whether this partner returns or you eventually find another partner with whom you have the possibility of psychological resolution, you will be much more conscious and equipped this time to do what is necessary to achieve that resolution than you were in the past.

Finally, realize that underneath these strong attractions there are often wounds and traumas and neglects from your past and, while it can be difficult to fully resolve these by yourself, you will be healthier to the extent that you can work on them even on your own.

I hope this helps. And if you – or anyone reading – would like more direct and personal help, I do offer coaching so feel free to contact us and we can discuss working together. In coaching I would help you as much as possible myself, as well as be better able to determine what other resources I can recommend that might be helpful to you.

If you’re considering marriage counseling, questions are going to come up. Here are the answers to some of the most common ones. If you have any others that we didn’t cover, let us know and we’ll try to answer them for you.

How do I know if we need marriage counseling?

First of all, marriage counseling doesn’t have to only be something to fix problems. It can also be something to help make the most of a good relationship. In fact, many couples go to counseling before they get married just to prepare to have a healthy marriage. In premarital counseling, questions about their values, family plans and relationship skills can be addressed before they even become a problem.

So there is nothing to lose by trying counseling and there may be much to gain. As long as you find a competent, skilled therapist, err on the side of giving it a try.

However, there are some situations where counseling would be extremely helpful and important. For example, counseling would be recommended if:

• The relationship has become physically, emotionally or verbally abusive
• Addiction or substance abuse of any kind is taking place
• There are children involved and you are experiencing challenges with parenting as partners
• Communication has severely broken down between partners

How do I find a good counselor?

At Breakup Advice, we are fans of the Imago Relationship Therapy model. Imago Relationships International offers a directory to help you find someone trained in this approach in your area.

However, there are also other schools of counseling with different ideas. You should first do some research on these different schools, consider the different styles, decide which resonates with you and then seek someone trained in that model

Whichever approach you favor, don’t be afraid to try a few sessions with different therapists or counselors before deciding on one you want to stick with. It’s important that you feel comfortable with someone you are going to share so much with and you won’t always find that person on the first try. Be patient and put in the work to find the right person as this can be a life-changing decision.

What if my partner refuses to go to counseling?

You can’t force your partner to go to counseling. Unless they’ve broken the law and are ordered by a court, they have the freedom to refuse to go. And if you find a way to coerce them, it may backfire as they might not be sincerely engaged in the counseling.

Ask your partner to go with you. Express how much it would mean to you. But try not to be too pushy.

If your partner still won’t go with you, then by all means go by yourself. Marriage counselors are familiar with this situation where one partner is willing to do the work and the other is hesitant. They can help you from that starting point and go from there.

What if I’m scared to go to counseling?

If you are new to counseling and haven’t had much experience with opening up your private life and feelings, it’s natural to have some fear. Just remember, you are in control. You get to choose your therapist, you can say no to anything you’re not comfortable with and you can leave or stop seeing a therapist at any time.

So, as we said before, take your time meeting with a few people and see who you are comfortable with. Go at your own pace. Any counselor that pressures you in a way that you aren’t comfortable with is someone you might want to talk to about it or simply rule out.

Counseling can involve very sensitive discussions. But a good therapist will always be sensitive and responsive to your needs, as well. And counseling takes time so there is no need to rush into things before you get comfortable.

What if I can’t afford counseling?

This is one of the most common marriage counseling questions. Marriage counseling costs can vary. There are some counselors that offer options for lower income clients. Some will take some cases pro bono. Many offer sliding scale pricing, meaning that you pay less if your ability to pay is lower. If you find a therapist you are interested in seeing, just talk to them about your situation. They may be able to find a way to help you work things out. And, if not, they may be able to recommend someone they know that can help within your price range. Take the first step and see what opportunities arise.

Can I help myself without counseling?

Counseling can be hugely beneficial. But if you are not ready for it, there are some resources that can help you on your own. Start by reading some of these. They may help you figure out whether to go to counseling, which counselor you want to see and make your sessions even more effective once you do go.

Was this marriage counseling advice helpful? Let us know in the comments below. And please share any other questions or concerns.

Someone came to us recently saying “I’ve been wondering how to save my marriage.” They wanted our best advice.

Each marriage is unique in some ways. But there are some things worth keeping in mind when attempting to salvage your partnership.

1. Accept that you can’t save your marriage alone – Even the best person with every relationship skill in the world at their disposal cannot save a relationship with someone who will not do their part. Your partner holds a lot of the chips in this situation. You can only do your best and, if it isn’t enough, live with the peace that comes from knowing you tried.
2. Determine how willing your partner is to communicate – Can you simply say to your partner “I want to know how to save my marriage.”? Is the communication that strong that you can be so open? Or do you have to start smaller and build up? Some partners are willing to talk things out and others are closed off. These situations require different strategies.
3. Start by building rapport – While you might be tempted to jump right into deep relationship discussion, sometimes it’s better to just do something to restore some comfort that you can build upon. What did you and your partner used to do when you were first falling in love? Do something to bring back those feelings and remind them of why you got together in the first place. Or think about what your partner enjoys most and surprise them by setting that up for them. Consider it an olive branch to start the process going.
4. Be conscious of defenses – Most relationship conflict stems from the partners’ emotional defense systems. These systems are set up to protect us from being hurt in ways that we are most sensitive to. They can distort situations because, while you think you are talking about the present, your unconscious minds are stuck in the past. Realizing how these systems work means you can better respond to the defenses, even when they are not rational. Al Turtle’s Relationship Wisdom website has fantastic advice on this subject.

5. Seek counseling – There is no substitute for a great guide to help you navigate the journey. We especially recommend a therapist that specializes in Imago Relationship Therapy. Even if your partner won’t go with you at first, it’s worth going to discuss the situation yourself. Eventually the partner may become more open to the idea, especially as they see the changes in you. If they don’t, you will be in a better position to end the relationship in a healthy way and get through the aftermath with that support in place.

This is the advice we offer to the person who said they wanted to know “how to save my marriage.” And we offer it to you if you are in the same position.

One last bonus note: There is another important question you should ask and that is “Should I save my marriage?” Not every relationship is healthy. If there is enough abuse or dysfunction involved, it may be better to separate. This is a big decision that a therapist can also help you make.