Breakup Advice

Your relationship used to be great. Fun. Closeness. Connection. But along the way something went wrong. And you’re left wondering how to mend a broken relationship.

There are several steps involved in doing that. But they all revolve around one thing – communication.

Communication is the absolutely essential element in mending a broken relationship. But what should you communicate and how should you communicate it?

Well it all starts with sharing your feelings with your partner. First of all, communicate that you have a desire to mend the broken relationship. Also, communicate the fact that you know that in order to resolve the issues between you, you will need to be open and honest but do it in a loving way.

How does your partner respond?

Obviously, if your partner does not wish to mend the broken relationship and is dead set against doing so, there is little that you can do. A relationship requires both people and if you are the only one willing to put in the effort then you are better off cutting your losses, beginning the healing process and preparing to find a new relationship with a more equal partner. If you wish, you can let your partner know that you are open to revisiting the situation if they change their mind in the future. But if this will keep you from having the closure you need to move on, it may be better to simply let go.

If this is the case and you need help in dealing with the heartbreak, then we have many resources to help you through that process.

But, hopefully, your partner is willing to meet you halfway. If so, then the next steps in communication come into play.

One exercise that can be very helpful at this point is what is called Intentional Dialogue, a form of communication explained in the wonderful book Getting the Love You Want. In this process, one of you agrees to share your experience and the other agrees to listen to what you say and then paraphrase it back until the speaker feels accurately heard. Then you switch roles and the speaker becomes the listener and paraphraser. This may sound simple but it can be deceptively challenging and eye opening.

If you aren’t comfortable with the process right away, you may want to practice it first while just talking about everyday topics to get used to openly expressing thoughts and feelings and listening and reflecting back to each other.

Using Intentional Dialogue, go back and forth until you are able to at least clearly define what conflicts or issues are causing the distance between you.

You can be even more effective by integrating into the Intentional Dialogue some ideas taught by another communication technique called Nonviolent Communication.

This method advises that you especially focus on what feelings are involved (anger, jealousy, apathy, boredom, frustration?) and what needs are not being met (appreciation, closeness, stimulation, trust, security?) for each of you. Once you are both clear on each other’s feelings and unmet needs and have communicated them well enough that each can repeat them back to the other in a way that makes both feel accurately heard, you have made great progress.

At this point, you can talk about how each of you can take steps to better meet those needs for each other and plan ways to do so.

Hopefully through this simplified process, you can take the early steps to mend a broken relationship. However, it is important to keep in mind that relationship dynamics often are complex and can involve issues going all the way back to childhood for both partners. If you communicate well, understand each other’s feelings and needs, but still find it difficult to satisfy each other, you may be dealing with deeper challenges. But the good news is that resolving such challenges is one of the main purposes for having relationships in the first place.

If you find that you need to take further steps in learning how to mend a broken relationship, then you may want to go beyond the Intentional Dialoguing and invest in learning more about the full Imago Relationship process from which it comes. This process is described in Getting the Love You Want and many therapists trained in it can help you.

When deciding whether to break up with your boyfriend, you may wonder where you can find a “Should I Break Up With My Boyfriend Quiz”

You’d like a list of questions that can help jog your mind and help you come to some conclusion about what to do in a challenging relationship.

The best recommendation of all that we can give is that you take a look at one of Harville Hendrix’s Imago Relationship books. Along with their text, they have quizzes and exercises included that can absolutely change your life and way of thinking about relationships forever. These books are even better than a simple “Should I Break Up With My Boyfriend Quiz.”

If your partner is willing to work with you in exploring what to do next in the relationship, then you should consider Getting the Love You Want.

It even has a workbook that goes along with it.

If you are going to be exploring on your own, then you can consider Keeping the Love You Find.

All of these books are excellent and will not only help you decide “Should I Break Up With My Boyfriend?” now, but will help you make wiser decisions in your relationships for the rest of your life.

But in case you just want our thoughts on some basic questions you should consider before you finally commit to staying or cutting ties with a boyfriend, we’ve put together a list of some questions we think are most important to think about.

In some cases the decision about whether to break up or not is easy. But in many cases, in the gray areas, there is no quiz that can give you a totally clear answer. But hopefully a quiz like this can at least help you come closer to clarity.

Two more notes:

• This quiz can work just as well for guys trying to decide whether to break up with a girlfriend as, for the most part, the deepest issues involved are similar.
• Some of the questions may be ones you didn’t realize are relevant or that probe more deeply than you expected. That is a reflection of our belief that romantic relationships involve issues and feelings from many periods in our lives and from many aspects of ourselves, even when this is not always obvious.

So without further adieu, here is our short “Should I Break Up With My Boyfriend Quiz”

1. Is there physical abuse in the relationship? – If physical abuse is involved in the relationship, this raises the stakes considerably. You may wish to talk to a counselor or therapist to determine the level of danger that you face and how to best respond.
2. Is there emotional abuse in the relationship? – Emotional abuse can also be devastating and, if it is serious, you also may wish to seek counseling or therapy, not only to decide what to do about the relationship, but to understand better why you are drawn to an emotionally abusive partner in the first place.

3. Is your partner conscious about their triggers? – One of the biggest dividing lines in relationships is between partners who are conscious vs. unconscious about the sources of emotions that lead to conflict. All relationships have some level of conflict, but the key is whether partners understand or even think about why certain things hit their buttons.

   If your partner never stops to question why certain things make them very upset or very excited, this is a very bad sign. You might wish to learn more about how certain past issues trigger us and talk about that with your partner. Keeping the Love You Find and Getting the Love You Want can teach you a great deal about this and you can read them and then bring them up in conversation or share them with your partner.

   If your partner is sometimes or often willing to consider that they get upset by something in the relationship because of something in their past, this is a very good sign and there may be a chance to build more insight in the relationship with time and work.

4. Is your partner willing to consider or talk about the real motives behind triggers? – It is perfectly understandable if your partner does not realize how issues in the present relationship often stem from the past. Many of us never learn this growing up or are even discouraged from learning it. But if your partner is unwilling to learn or talk about these dynamics now, that is a bad sign. If your partner is open to talk about such dynamics, this means there is likely more hope for the relationship to become healthy. Be patient. Some partners are uncomfortable about these discussions due to painful situations that they may bring to memory. You don’t have to bring up every issue at once. But if you can make progress over time, then this means the relationship has a chance to grow and improve and may be worth giving a shot.
5. Do you share the same core beliefs about relationships themselves? – Partners often talk about who they believe is the best band or what activities they believe are most fun, yet fail to become clear on what may be the most important beliefs of all in a relationship – beliefs about relationships.

   Does your partner believe relationships are meant to be fun and carefree or more businesslike? Does your partner believe that girlfriends and boyfriends in relationships should be equals or that one or the other partner should be more dominant? Does your partner believe in sharing everything, such as information and money, or that partners should have some degree of separation? How do those beliefs compare to yours?

   Differences in belief in many areas can be compatible with a healthy relationship or even make it more interesting. But differences in belief about relationships themselves can make a partnership extremely challenging. If possible, talk to your partner about these issues. And, as always, the more unwilling your partner is to talk about them, the more difficult the relationship is likely to be.

Ultimately, if you are really torn on what to do, you could always benefit from a good counselor or therapist, either individually or as a couple. If your partner is willing to get involved in such activities, that is always a good sign. If you find a talented therapist, then even if you eventually break up, you will do so with more confidence in your decision and with lessons you can take with you into the future.

There really is no simple “Should I Break Up With My Boyfriend Quiz” that can substitute for deeper exploration. But hopefully these questions can get you started in thinking about your relationship in a more profound way and open up a path to making a wise decision about your future.

When in need of breakup advice, people turn to various sources. They may turn to friends or family for personal support and guidance. They may turn to a trained therapist or counselor for professional help. Or they may explore the wide range of books and videos on the market that offer advice on how to best survive and thrive through a breakup.

From these sources, they are likely to hear a range of different advice reflecting various schools of thought. However, despite the seemingly vast variances between the answers provided, they will tend, nonetheless, to fall into two fundamental categories. We will call these categories symptom-focused and origin-focused.

Symptom-Focused Breakup Advice

Symptom-focused breakup advice is aimed primarily at simply easing the immediate discomfort of relationship issues as quickly as possible. Thus, if a person finds talking to his or her partner or ex-partner painful, symptom-focused advisors may suggest seeking ways to distance from the partner, thus avoiding the symptom of pain. If a person feels restricted by their partner’s needs, a symptom-focused advisor may suggest seeking ways to escape those restrictions in order to feel more free and uninhibited.

Origin-Focused Breakup Advice

Origin-focused breakup advice, on the other hand, is aimed at discovering the deeper roots of symptoms and addressing them. Therefore, it is not as quick to advocate avoidance or suppression of relationship challenges. For instance, if a person finds talking to his or her partner or ex-partner painful, the origin-focused advisor does not necessarily suggest simply distancing. If a person feels restricted by his or her partner’s needs, an origin-focused advisor does not necessarily suggest immediate escapism as an optimal solution. Instead, they are more likely to promote proactive and constructive engagement in the conflict with an aim of more fundamental resolution. This very different approach stems from the origin-focused advisor’s more comprehensive understanding of relationships.

What Origin-Focused Breakup Advisors Know

The origin-focused advisor realizes some very important facts about relationships that give wise individuals pause before jumping to simplified conclusions about the cause or solution of symptoms.

He or she knows, for instance, that:

• We tend to project unresolved feelings from earlier life relationships onto current partners – If we struggled with certain traits or behaviors in our relationships with our parents, caregivers, relatives or others early in life, we may find our current partners triggering unprocessed emotions connected to those early interactions that have remained latent in us. Thus, despite the close association of the current relationship with certain symptoms, the true cause of these symptoms may actually lie not in the current relationship at all, but in past relationships.

• Sometimes, unpleasant symptoms are indicators of areas that need exercise, not indicators of a need to escape – For example, if our partner’s needs seem to restrict us, it may be a sign that we have chosen an ultimately incompatible partner. However, it may instead be a sign that we ourselves fear intimacy or limits and that our partner’s needs pose a healthy challenge, spurring us to finally face certain growing pains that we failed to confront earlier in life.

• Working through challenges in a relationship may strengthen it to levels beyond those attainable in relationships that are never seriously challenged – Many of us have been fed the fantasy, from Disney and elsewhere, that a healthy relationship should always be smooth sailing. In some cases, with very mature partners, smooth sailing does indicate a remarkably compatible partnership. However, in many cases, prolonged smooth sailing simply indicates a more casual, less engaged partnership. In the long run, most relationships will meet challenges. But these challenges are not necessarily signs of ultimate incompatibility. If both partners are willing to accept them as opportunities to learn, grow, practice and improve relationship skills, the challenges may eventually be remembered as pivotal catalysts in the development of real, sustainable love.

• Failing to resolve relationship challenges often leads to repeating them again in future relationships – If we simply opt out of confronting the challenges posed by symptoms in our current relationship, there is a high likelihood that we will find ourselves facing similar symptoms in a future relationship.

Comparing The Approaches and Roles of Symptom-Focused Breakup Advice and Origin-Focused Breakup Advice

Because they understand the aforementioned fundamental relationship principles, origin-focused breakup advisors are likely to take a very different approach to relationship challenges than their symptom-focused counterparts. The chart below contrasts some features of the two approaches.

This chart hints at our general preference for an origin-focused approach to breakup advice. However, symptom-focused breakup advice does have its place. In a certain set of relationships characterized by previously unforeseeable abuse, addictions or personality disorders, for example, the current relationship may indeed be the fundamental cause of unhealthy symptoms for one of the partners. In that circumstance, a fast, focused approach to escaping the relationship may be ideal or even necessary. Sometimes even an origin-focused advisor would agree that the immediate situation really is the origin of symptoms and requires swift and immediate intervention. And sometimes, even when a deeper origin-focused approach is eventually called for, it can be helpful to use a symptom-focused approach first in order to stabilize the situation.

Nonetheless, ultimately, we believe that origin-focused relationship approaches are superior in catalyzing lasting insight and health. This is especially true because, even in the portion of cases where a symptom-focused approach is most appropriate, an origin-focused advisor would be likely to recognize this. A typical symptom-focused advisor, on the other hand, is less likely to recognize cases where an origin-focused approach is optimal.

Imago Relationship Therapy: A Recommended Form of Origin-Focused Breakup Advice

One of the most comprehensive and powerful sources for origin-focused breakup advice is the field of Imago Relationship Therapy. This is why we highly recommend the field’s landmark books Keeping the Love You Find and Getting the Love You Want to singles and couples, respectively, who are struggling with challenging symptoms in their relationships.