Breakup Advice

If my boyfriend is depressed, what should I do?

This is a question that many people in relationships ask. It is understandable because when you really care about someone and believe that you see them consistently feeling down, there can be mixed emotions.

On one hand, if you are a very compassionate person, you probably feel some motivation to help your partner.

On the other hand, even the most compassionate person can eventually reach their wit’s end and, if the person’s depression seems intractable, wonder if they should finally break up with them.

Let’s take a deeper look at this topic.

First of all, it is important to recognize that the word depressed is often used to describe a variety of different things. When you say my boyfriend is depressed, you may not be quite accurate.

If you perceive your boyfriend as regularly experiencing feelings of sadness or melancholy, it could indicate any of the following:

• Your boyfriend is grieving a loss of some kind
• Your boyfriend is using some substance or substances that are affecting his mood
• Your boyfriend has an undiagnosed medical condition with mood-related symptoms
• Your boyfriend has a history of abuse or neglect that is unresolved

It is also possible that your boyfriend has a chemical imbalance of the neurotransmitters in his brain, which is what many of us immediately think of when we believe a person is consistently depressed. But it is important not to just assume this is the case.

There are some people – and your boyfriend may be one of them – that are just temperamentally less excited and active and seem depressed to others when there is nothing actually unhealthy about them. So make sure to consider this possibility also.

And, finally, you may be misinterpreting the situation entirely and reading in depressed feelings where they really aren’t.

The lesson is not to jump to any conclusions. It can take time and a lot of communication to discover what is really going on.

Once you realize this, you can open up communication with your boyfriend. Let him know that you care about him and that, because of this, you want to understand better how he is feeling and let him understand better how you perceive the situation. Tools like Intentional Dialogue, as described in Getting the Love You Want, can be extremely helpful in facilitating such sensitive discussions.

If the depression you are perceiving is not actually there, if you have been misinterpreting it or if it stems from addressable issues in the relationship itself, this communication may go a long way in getting to the bottom of the problem.

But, if the depressed feelings are real and serious or if you cannot figure out what is going on, it may be best to support your partner in seeking professional help. Love alone does not qualify you to treat what may be a medical condition. So the most loving thing you can do in such a circumstance is stand behind him as he gets assistance from someone trained in these areas, just as you would if he had a broken leg.

The biggest challenge you will have is deciding what role you want to play – or is appropriate for you to play – in your partner’s attempts at recovery. A balanced approach is healthiest. It is perfectly reasonable for you to want to help and to offer support. At the same time, you must realize that you can only help so much. You must be watchful that you don’t use your boyfriend’s problems as an excuse to avoid dealing with your own issues and excessively indulge in feeling needed and wanted, which can signify codependence. And you must remember that you can only really be a healthy support if you are taking care of yourself, as well.

The hardest step may take place in relationships where the boyfriend’s feelings are causing difficulty for his partner, but he is unwilling to respond and make any changes. If this persists too long and you have given all the support you can, then you are well within your rights to consider breaking off the relationship. You don’t have to be stuck saying “My boyfriend is depressed” for the rest of your life. You deserve a healthy relationship or, at the very least, a partner who is willing to work to make it healthy.

Are you married and sometimes think to yourself “My husband hates me”?

Every so often, we explore what people are talking about around the web in regards to relationships and breakups. Well today, we came across an interesting discussion sparked by a woman who said just that – “My husband hates me.”

Now, that is a powerful and tragic statement. And yet there is no doubt that it expresses a painful truth:

There are many marriages in which a person perceives that they are hated by their husband or in which, sadly, it is actually true.

The natural next question if you find yourself in a situation like that is “What do I do?” So let me give some thoughts on that question.

The first step, as is so often the case with perceptions and feelings, is to take a deep breath and try, to the best of your ability, to figure out if what you believe is accurate or if perhaps you are misreading the situation. There are many reasons you might misread such a situation. For instance:

• You may be projecting. This happens when you actually are feeling the dislike for the other person, but cannot admit that to yourself. So instead your mind sort of reverses things and convinces you that the other person is the one that dislikes you. This allows you to see yourself as the good person or it helps rationalize why you might be justified if you do dislike them.
• You may simply be misunderstanding. Have you ever played that game of telephone where, as the message gets passed from one person to another, it becomes more and more inaccurate? Well a similar situation can happen even between just two people when communication isn’t handled well. Perhaps your husband is angry at someone else or upset about some situation separate from you and you are misinterpreting his feelings as being about you.

It’s important to at least consider that you might be misunderstanding. But it’s also important not to go so far that you invalidate yourself and lose trust in your perceptions completely. It’s best to take a balanced approach.

If you do this and still feel it is likely that your perception is accurate, then it’s time to take the next step.

The next step is to determine if it is safe to talk to your husband about this. Ideally, you could share with him your concerns and work things out together. It may not be an easy conversation to have, but it could be very beneficial. However, this can only happen if you trust that you would not be in any danger. If the relationship has been abusive or your husband has a bad temper and you are fearful, then there may be other steps to take first.

One good step that you might want to consider is to see a therapist to discuss what you are perceiving. A good therapist may be able to help you gradually separate fact from fiction, determine whether there is a chance to communicate with your husband about your feelings and decide how to do it, as well as help support you through the process.

Another step that we would recommend is reading the section in Getting the Love You Want that describes the Container Exercise. This is an exercise that may really help you better understand the role of anger in relationships. Hatred, such as that you perceive coming from your husband, almost always involves anger at the root. And handling anger in relationships is an important and valuable skill.

If your marriage, even if imperfect, is at least safe, there is a chance not only to resolve the anger, but to channel it into a better relationship in the long run. The energy trapped in anger can often be used for growth when it is released in a wise, controlled manner, as is done with the Container Exercise. Healthy, mature communication is the absolute essential key.

However, hatred involving a person with poor impulse control or who is capable of violence can be very dangerous. And if you feel you are in danger, then the most important thing is to first protect yourself. Nothing else beneficial can happen without a foundation of safety.

Your relationship used to be great. Fun. Closeness. Connection. But along the way something went wrong. And you’re left wondering how to mend a broken relationship.

There are several steps involved in doing that. But they all revolve around one thing – communication.

Communication is the absolutely essential element in mending a broken relationship. But what should you communicate and how should you communicate it?

Well it all starts with sharing your feelings with your partner. First of all, communicate that you have a desire to mend the broken relationship. Also, communicate the fact that you know that in order to resolve the issues between you, you will need to be open and honest but do it in a loving way.

How does your partner respond?

Obviously, if your partner does not wish to mend the broken relationship and is dead set against doing so, there is little that you can do. A relationship requires both people and if you are the only one willing to put in the effort then you are better off cutting your losses, beginning the healing process and preparing to find a new relationship with a more equal partner. If you wish, you can let your partner know that you are open to revisiting the situation if they change their mind in the future. But if this will keep you from having the closure you need to move on, it may be better to simply let go.

If this is the case and you need help in dealing with the heartbreak, then we have many resources to help you through that process.

But, hopefully, your partner is willing to meet you halfway. If so, then the next steps in communication come into play.

One exercise that can be very helpful at this point is what is called Intentional Dialogue, a form of communication explained in the wonderful book Getting the Love You Want. In this process, one of you agrees to share your experience and the other agrees to listen to what you say and then paraphrase it back until the speaker feels accurately heard. Then you switch roles and the speaker becomes the listener and paraphraser. This may sound simple but it can be deceptively challenging and eye opening.

If you aren’t comfortable with the process right away, you may want to practice it first while just talking about everyday topics to get used to openly expressing thoughts and feelings and listening and reflecting back to each other.

Using Intentional Dialogue, go back and forth until you are able to at least clearly define what conflicts or issues are causing the distance between you.

You can be even more effective by integrating into the Intentional Dialogue some ideas taught by another communication technique called Nonviolent Communication.

This method advises that you especially focus on what feelings are involved (anger, jealousy, apathy, boredom, frustration?) and what needs are not being met (appreciation, closeness, stimulation, trust, security?) for each of you. Once you are both clear on each other’s feelings and unmet needs and have communicated them well enough that each can repeat them back to the other in a way that makes both feel accurately heard, you have made great progress.

At this point, you can talk about how each of you can take steps to better meet those needs for each other and plan ways to do so.

Hopefully through this simplified process, you can take the early steps to mend a broken relationship. However, it is important to keep in mind that relationship dynamics often are complex and can involve issues going all the way back to childhood for both partners. If you communicate well, understand each other’s feelings and needs, but still find it difficult to satisfy each other, you may be dealing with deeper challenges. But the good news is that resolving such challenges is one of the main purposes for having relationships in the first place.

If you find that you need to take further steps in learning how to mend a broken relationship, then you may want to go beyond the Intentional Dialoguing and invest in learning more about the full Imago Relationship process from which it comes. This process is described in Getting the Love You Want and many therapists trained in it can help you.