Breakup Advice

Someone came to us recently saying “I’ve been wondering how to save my marriage.” They wanted our best advice.

Each marriage is unique in some ways. But there are some things worth keeping in mind when attempting to salvage your partnership.

1. Accept that you can’t save your marriage alone – Even the best person with every relationship skill in the world at their disposal cannot save a relationship with someone who will not do their part. Your partner holds a lot of the chips in this situation. You can only do your best and, if it isn’t enough, live with the peace that comes from knowing you tried.
2. Determine how willing your partner is to communicate – Can you simply say to your partner “I want to know how to save my marriage.”? Is the communication that strong that you can be so open? Or do you have to start smaller and build up? Some partners are willing to talk things out and others are closed off. These situations require different strategies.
3. Start by building rapport – While you might be tempted to jump right into deep relationship discussion, sometimes it’s better to just do something to restore some comfort that you can build upon. What did you and your partner used to do when you were first falling in love? Do something to bring back those feelings and remind them of why you got together in the first place. Or think about what your partner enjoys most and surprise them by setting that up for them. Consider it an olive branch to start the process going.
4. Be conscious of defenses – Most relationship conflict stems from the partners’ emotional defense systems. These systems are set up to protect us from being hurt in ways that we are most sensitive to. They can distort situations because, while you think you are talking about the present, your unconscious minds are stuck in the past. Realizing how these systems work means you can better respond to the defenses, even when they are not rational. Al Turtle’s Relationship Wisdom website has fantastic advice on this subject.

5. Seek counseling – There is no substitute for a great guide to help you navigate the journey. We especially recommend a therapist that specializes in Imago Relationship Therapy. Even if your partner won’t go with you at first, it’s worth going to discuss the situation yourself. Eventually the partner may become more open to the idea, especially as they see the changes in you. If they don’t, you will be in a better position to end the relationship in a healthy way and get through the aftermath with that support in place.

This is the advice we offer to the person who said they wanted to know “how to save my marriage.” And we offer it to you if you are in the same position.

One last bonus note: There is another important question you should ask and that is “Should I save my marriage?” Not every relationship is healthy. If there is enough abuse or dysfunction involved, it may be better to separate. This is a big decision that a therapist can also help you make.

Many people ask how to fix a relationship. But there is no one single answer because there are so many different types of relationship problems.

We can start by dividing troubled relationships into two categories, however.

• Category 1: Relationships where both partners are interesting in fixing relationship problems
• Category 2: Relationships where one partner wants to fix the relationship and the other does not or is indifferent

Let’s start with the second category. If your relationship falls in this category and you’re reading this article, we can assume you are the partner that wants to know how to fix your relationship because you’re the one interested in doing so. Your partner is distant and does not seem willing to be active in the healing process.

In this situation, you first have to accept the frustrating reality that you cannot force another person to care no matter how strongly you care. You may be unable to persuade this person to participate in fixing the relationship.

However, even in that case, the best thing you can do is work on yourself. If you improve yourself, your partner may start to take notice. This is especially true because those who wish to fix relationships are often the partners that crave closeness while their partners crave space. As you begin to focus more on yourself, your partner will start to feel the breathing room and may relax and eventually seek a little more closeness.

Even in the worst case scenario where your partner never takes an interest again, you can end the relationship already on the path to becoming a stronger person by yourself and in future relationships.

But there are ways you might be able to encourage your partner to join in healing the relationship. One of the most important is to consider what their biggest fears in the relationship are and working to assuage them. Many times, the more distant partner fears engulfment or being overwhelmed by attention and demands on them. If you communicate to your partner that you understand their need for space and prove to them that you can respect it, then you may have more leverage to ask for them to participate in fixing the relationship when you are together.

There are few more frustrating situations to be in than to be in a relationship that you sincerely wish to fix and in which you are putting forth effort to do so with a partner who is unwilling to do his or her part. The bottom line is that you can only work on yourself, express your willingness to respect your partner’s space within reason and then ask them to please participate in the healing process. At that point you simply have to accept that other people make their choices and those choices have consequences. If you’ve done the best you can, then you can hold your head up high regardless of the outcome.

Now let’s consider the first category, in which both partners want to fix the relationship. In this case, it is all about communication and exploration. First you need to communicate to try to zero in on and define what the key problem is. There are many classic problems in relationships that usually stem from some dichotomy where the partners each fall on opposite sides.

We’ve already mentioned one such dichotomy in which one partner values closeness and the other space. Here are some other dichotomies that might be at play in your relationship trouble:

• Wanting to go out more vs. stay in more
• Wanting to spend money freely vs. save frugally
• Wanting to analyze situations more vs. make spontaneous choices
• Wanting things scheduled vs. wanting to play it by ear
• Wanting strict rigid values vs. wanting tolerance and free thinking

Are any of these what has you at odds? If not, talk together about what difference really lies at the heart of your conflict.

Once you have the problem well-defined, then work to become conscious of where this difference began.

Some of these differences have to do with innate temperaments that cannot easily be changed. In that case, you should try to find ways to compromise so neither partner’s preference takes precedence all of the time.

Others of these differences are not innate, but were picked up in the course of your development. They may stem from the values of your families or from rebelling against those values. Try to become conscious of the path that led to these characteristics that are currently at odds. Can you remember the earliest instance of feeling that way? Tell each other your stories and you might find yourself gaining a great deal of compassion and compromising more naturally.

Regardless of the other details of your relationship difficulty, there are two recommendations that are just about always worthwhile.

1. Whether alone or as a couple, find the best relationship therapist you can.
2. Read, alone or together, Getting the Love You Want and the Getting the Love You Want Workbook. These books will bring you tremendous insight and offer you powerful tools that you can use by yourselves or along with a therapist. They will also help you in figuring out what kind of therapist would be most helpful to you.

Fixing a relationship can be a very complex, but rewarding, endeavor. Let us know in the comments section what you think about this topic. What approaches have worked or not worked for you in trying to figure out how to fix a relationship?

It’s impossible to completely predict how any relationship will go. There are too many unforeseeable factors.

However, there are some relationship questions that we can explore to get a general idea of how healthy a relationship is. Here are some questions you might want to think about. Not only can they help you assess a relationship you’re in now, but they might help you figure out what went wrong in past relationships and what you’d like to change in future ones.

Question #1: Can we appreciate each other’s differences?

In a healthy relationship, differences are seen as complementary, not antagonistic. Of course, this idea does have limits. Some differences are non-negotiable. But in most cases, differences, which are not deal-breakers, should be viewed as strengthening, not weakening, the relationship.

Question #2: Can we communicate about disagreements without taking it too personally?

There is no relationship in which couples agree 100% about everything. They all have disagreements, sometimes even very lively ones. But can you still respect each other even during or after what may be heated discussions?

Question #3: Can we explore each other’s pasts together?

A remarkable amount of what goes on in relationship dynamics stems from our pasts, going all the way back to our childhoods and our relationships with our parents or caregivers. Are you comfortable enough to get to know your partner’s past and share yours? This is one of the most important relationship questions to ask of all because, if you can, it will put all of your present and future interactions in a new light and may help build compassion.

Question #4: Do we share the same view of the purpose of relationships?

Are relationships about loyalty? Fun? Building financial security? Emotional growth? Even if you said all of those, then which ones take priority over the others? While it’s fine, even important, to disagree on some things with your partner, one of the most important ones to have some agreement on is about what relationships mean to you in the first place.

Question #5: Have we openly discussed our desires regarding children and how we believe they should be raised?

Few things can be more tragic than when couples fail to talk about their views about children and then end up in a parenting situation for which they are not prepared. It is especially tragic because often it is the innocent children that end up paying the price because their parents failed to explore this topic before they came along. This may be one of those non-negotiable differences if you and your partner truly disagree. A world of trouble and relationship problems can be avoided by clarifying your feelings and beliefs about parenting before they become a part of daily life.

Question #6: Can we be sensitive to each other’s greatest joys and fears, even if they are not always the same?

What most inspires your partner and what do they most fear? If you don’t know, why not? Do they know what your answer to these questions would be? Can you talk about these things together? So much of our lives are driven by joy and fear. It can help to be conscious of what brings about these emotions for each other.

These are just a few of the many relationship questions worth asking. But they are also some of the most important.

What questions do you think are most important for partners to explore? Let us know. Leave a comment.