Breakup Advice

Today we have a question from a reader about how to respond to a sudden breakup with a partner who has Borderline Personality Disorder. The reader has been kind enough to give us permission to post the question and our response so that others can benefit from them. We truly appreciate readers who provide such an opportunity.

If you have a question you’d like answered, please contact us. We will never post anything without your permission and, if you do allow us to post your question, will hide any identifying information that you do not want made public.

Now let’s begin with the reader’s question:

Hello,

My name is (name removed). I’m 20 years old. My girlfriend recently broke up with me on August 9th, 2011. We were together for 1 year and would of been 8 months on August 14th, 2011. I’m writing to see if I can get any direction. Let me explain.

She has Borderline Personality Disorder. At first the relationship was great, then she slowly started being mean, then she’d flip out on me every night over something stupid, and small. We lived together for about 1 year and 4-6 months in my parents house because she did nothing but complain about her family cause her mom is a alcoholic, she never knew her dad, her aunt is a backstabber and greedy and scummy. She praised her grandparents, even though her grandfather was a controlling, greedy, jerk. My family treated her amazing, let her live here for free, included her in everything. She had it good here.

Well, we kept fighting about her family, particularily that I didn’t agree with her grandfathers ways for he had recently done somethng rude to her, she did nothing but stick up for him. She kept trying to break up with me, however, I kept saying I’d change. A few days after all this went down, we was all normal. Everything was fine, she was talking about coming home to clean. She had things planned for months ahead of times. Even though I believe she talked bad to her family about me or told them I didn’t like them.

Everything was going fine, she texts me out of the blue and says, I think we should stay apart tonight. I replied, why are you being mean for? Next thing I know, she shows up with a big bag of chewing tobacco for me, and is all crying saying we need to talk. We go upstairs, she didn’t seem to know what to say, so she just said I can’t do this anymore. And I was like, why? Then a few minutes after she’s all crying histerically, she says there’s things about me that would make you hate me. She says she had a crush before me and has feelings for both of us. Which, I don’t believe, I think her family made her break up with me.

I know she had HUGE feelings for me. She always got me little presents, and she was ALWAYS here. She said she never had sex, then said she did off and on all the time. Well, it’s been a few days since then. I am upset about the happy memories we shared. Don’t know how to handle it. However, just a few days later, she texts me, last night actually, and said,”It’s (name removed), this ain’t my phone. I just wanted to let you know to to stop bothering me and stop trying to cause trouble and move on. I’m done completely, and never want to talk to you again or be friends with you so move on.”

Now, I haven’t said a single word to her. At all. I literally haven’t talked to her since that day she came to break up with me. And she came out of the blue and said that. My mom said it was probably her trying to get me to talk to her, to get a reaction. I just don’t understand, I didn’t ever hurt her in any way, never bothered her once after. Why’d she do that? It seems completely unfair and psychotic really.

The reader then sent the following short update:

Something new happened in these events. She had a “crush” before me. And he lives in Virginia. Turns out, he bought her a Greyhound ticket for the 19th of this month to go down there. I couldn’t believe it. I mean, he’s 22 and drinks alot. Has alot of friends. Smokes pot. She hates all of that though. Because of her alcoholic/drug addict mom. So I imagine she’s just running to him because the need for someone. She loves her family to much to possibly move there. I imagine it won’t last more than a week with them because she hates all of that. She’s only 20. So she’ll probably be back begging for me.

And now our response:

Dear Reader:

First, I’m very sorry to hear about this. I know breakups are painful in general and breakups with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder can be incredibly painful.

Now, before moving on to anything else, you have to stop and really understand the nature of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Many people are in relationships with people who have personality disorders, including BPD, but aren’t even aware of the disorder. So, for them, it can be even harder to make sense of the situation and figure out how to respond. You have the benefit of actually knowing that your ex has this condition. And you need to use that knowledge to make sense of this situation before deciding what to do.

People who have Borderline Personality Disorder are very emotionally unstable. Their brains simply don’t process emotions in the same way as emotionally healthy people’s brains do. One result of this is that they can’t be consistent when dealing with intimacy. So they can swing wildly from acting extremely loving to extremely angry and back again, sometimes within mere minutes, over and over. This can be very confusing because every time the relationship seems on the rocks, the next minute the partner with Borderline Personality Disorder can show up and act as if nothing ever happened and even be sweet and caring. So the other partner suddenly thinks things are fine again and, wanting desperately to believe that is true, begins to relax and enjoy the relationship again and indulge in those fantasies of how wonderful things are going to be.

But, as you may know from having been in this relationship for a while, for all intents and purposes we can say that it always swings back again in the other direction. Always. That is the nature of BPD. Back and forth. Back and forth.

BPD is not a minor issue. It’s a very deep and serious issue. For a condition to be classified as a personality disorder, it has to be deep and serious. What that means is that this person is extremely unlikely to change, and most likely will be unable to change, without committing to very intense therapy, probably for a long period of years. It doesn’t seem from what you say that your ex is doing any such thing and so, if you were to go back into the relationship, you could almost certainly expect to just keep going through this agonizing cycle repeatedly.

Imagine if your partner had a serious form of cancer and wasn’t getting consistent and high quality treatment for it. You wouldn’t expect them to be able to just suddenly cure it themselves, would you? And you certainly wouldn’t expect that you could cure it if you just loved them enough, right? Well the same is true with Borderline Personality Disorder. Your love cannot cure it. And without the proper treatment, your partner cannot just choose to change it and suddenly be consistent and caring and fair to you.

You see, at the heart of BPD is usually a serious trauma that the person has not resolved and may not even remember. And until they deal with the effects of that original trauma, which may have occurred early in childhood, long before you ever came into their life, they will not be able to commit to being a healthy partner.

As for the stories about the other relationship and your speculations about your ex’s family, the fact is that you may never really be sure what to believe. That is also the nature of Borderline Personality Disorder. People with this condition often tell various stories, change their stories, tell different stories to different people and so on. Sometimes even they themselves don’t quite know what the truth really is because they get so caught up in their own lies and different stories. You mentioned that your ex’s behavior seems psychotic. Well the reason it is called “Borderline” personality is that it is on the border between neurotic and psychotic and sometimes does lean over into the psychotic side of things. So you may not be far off in your assessment.

So now you are faced with a decision. I am sure you have strong feelings for this person and care about her deeply. And I’m sure that you want to help her. But you have to realize that you are not qualified to help her any more than you would be qualified to cure her cancer if she had that. Your ex has a serious disorder that you did not cause and cannot fix yourself and needs professional care for it. If she got that care and was totally committed to it, then she would have a chance of getting better over time. And it would be noble of you to stand by her as she did this if you were able to do so and if she was absolutely committed to recovery. It’s similar to sticking by an alcoholic as long as they have quit drinking and are going to AA meetings regularly, seeing a therapist and so on.

But unfortunately, it is relatively rare that someone with BPD will really commit fully to treatment. The ones that do that are to be admired and are great examples, but they are the exceptions. And again, you give no sign that this person is even thinking along those lines. If you want to offer your ex one last chance, then you could let her know that you can’t tolerate her behavior anymore, you want her to get help and that if she does you will stand by her.

But you are under no obligation to do that and, even if you did, the odds are slim that she would listen and suddenly make such a bold change. She might even just lash out at you even more aggressively. Apparently, your ex already knows that she has Borderline Personality Disorder so, if she isn’t dealing with it seriously, she may be in denial.

So as much as it hurts, and I know it can hurt incredibly badly, my advice is that your best bet is to appreciate that she did you a favor by telling you to stop talking to her. She gave you an easy out at the moment.

If I were you I would begin a “No Contact” policy immediately. That means:

• Don’t call her
• Don’t text her
• Don’t email her
• Don’t check her online profiles or sites
• Don’t talk to her friends or family trying to find out information about her

No matter how much it hurts, you don’t make any contact with her or take any action to involve yourself in her life in any way. And you commit to this for a significant period of time, at least three or four months, if not longer, I would recommend. Yes it will hurt, sometimes terribly because you are, in a sense, withdrawing from an addiction to her. But that is alright, even healthy, to feel that pain and go through it.

Now you are actually correct that she may at some point, sooner or later, come back and want to talk again or even beg you to return to the relationship. In the community of BPD relationship experts, this is known as “hoovering.” That is why, before going No Contact, you may want to send her one last email just letting her know that you’ve decided to have no contact for a significant period of time because the situation has become unhealthy for you. That way, she will know why you aren’t responding if she contacts you later and you will not feel the need to break up the momentum of your no contact phase to inform her of it later.

Finally, what do you do during this no contact phase? That is really the key to your healing. This is a time to take back – to withdraw – all of the energy you’ve been focusing on trying to make sense of your ex’s erratic behavior and trying to help your ex and apply that same energy to understanding and helping yourself. You see, most likely, you have your own traumas and issues that you’d rather not face and deal with. And that’s a big part of the reason that you may have gotten involved in the first place with someone like your ex who is a constant distraction and always creating drama. As frustrating as dealing with a partner like that may be, it keeps you focused on their drama and not having to think of your own. This is the nature of codependence. With your partner out of the picture, now you will be forced to come face to face with yourself.

There are several things you should consider doing during this self-reflection time:

1. Read good books about topics related to your breakup. Many of them are recommended on our site and in our Breakup Advice Bookstore.

   A few that you may find particularly beneficial right now are:

   	How to Break Your Addiction to a Person by Howard Halpern – This book will help you make sense of and get through the withdrawal pain you’re feeling right now shortly after the breakup.
   	Keeping the Love You Find by Harville Hendrix – This book will help explain the dynamics of why certain people are attracted to each other so you can fully understand why you attracted a person who is so unhealthy and why she attracted you. This will give you a lot of insight into yourself, what to work on to improve while you’re going through this healing period and what to look for in future relationships.
   	Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives by Pia Mellody – A classic book about why certain people take on the role of trying to rescue their partners in relationships.

   Also, it could be especially helpful for you to read books about Borderline Personality Disorder so that you can understand more about what you went through with your ex and really come to see that the issues are deeper than you alone could have fixed.

   Here are a couple of good books about Borderline Personality Disorder:

   	I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality by Jerold J. Kreisman & Hal Straus
   	Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. Mason & Randi Kreger

2. Look for online support groups about relevant issues such as codependence, where you can stay in communication with others who have gone through or are going through this kind of painful experience. It will help you learn a lot and also give you a place to turn when you need to talk so that you don’t end up breaking your No Contact policy to talk to your ex instead.

   You are especially lucky in this area. Many people refer to a person who themselves does not have Borderline Personality Disorder, but has been in a relationship with someone who does as a “Non.” You are a Non. And there is a great support forum for Nons. I highly recommend you seek support on that forum as you will learn a great deal from people who know exactly what you’re going through and how to help.

3. Consider finding a therapist of your own to help you work through the issues that led to you being attracted to and attracting a person with BPD and to help you get through and process the pain of this breakup. Keeping the Love You Find can help you in learning about the type of therapist that might help you.

I know all of this can be somewhat overwhelming. And, as with any addictive situation, it hurts tremendously at first and the pain can even feel like it will never end. But this is actually a fantastic opportunity, if you do the things mentioned above, to grow enormously, become a healthier, stronger person, and ensure that your next relationship will be at least a bit better for you than this one. Years from now, you may look back on this as a huge learning experience and turning point in your life for the better.

Thanks so much for the question and for generously allowing us to share it with others who might benefit from it.

Most of us interested in breakup advice understand that if a relationship has meant anything deep to us at all, then its breakup is almost certainly going to hurt in some way and to some degree. This experience of painful separation is an eternal one and is described by people in many ways. We talk about being heartbroken or crushed or devastated. All such terms, while somewhat vague, are useful and help us give a general name to our difficult feelings triggered by a breakup.

But labeling our breakup pain can become a problem when we begin to delve into the more specific and more serious conditions that can be associated with it. For example, one of the most common specific labels that people use during a breakup is that of depression. Many people, in the midst of their breakup pain, use this term and may even seek treatment for the psychological condition of depression. Some even find a doctor who agrees and are put on anti-depressant medication.

While it is true that some of those suffering after a breakup really do have depression, and should be treated for it, some of them are actually mislabeling themselves – or even being mislabeled by mental health professionals. What many of those mislabeled are actually going through is an experience of withdrawal from an addiction.

When a drug addict uses his or her drug, especially over time, it creates chemical changes in the brain and the rest of the body. They then become physically and/or psychologically dependent on the drug to the point where they may be unable to function without it. Once addicted, when they are unable to attain their depended-upon substance, they go into a state called withdrawal. This withdrawal can be a devastatingly painful, and, at its worst, even life-threatening, experience.

Well, believe it or not, a relationship can trigger addiction and withdrawal, as well. Of course, on some level, this has long been recognized by pop musicians, as evidenced by both recent songs such as “Your Love is My Drug” by Ke$ha, as well as older songs, such as “Hard Habit to Break” by Chicago, which features the lyric “I’m addicted to you baby. You’re a hard habit to break.” But, recent years have brought more support for this notion from those who offer breakup advice in the actual medical and mental health communities.

So how exactly does a relationship trigger addiction and withdrawal? Research is showing – and your experience may seem to corroborate – that intense attraction and attachment release certain chemicals in the brain. And just as with many other chemicals, certain people can become addicted to or dependent on these internally-released or “endogenous” chemicals. Then, if the relationship is taken away, the addict may experience a withdrawal from those chemicals that are no longer being triggered, just like any other drug addict may experience when they lose the substance on which they are dependent.

To more fully understand withdrawal from an addictive relationship, we should also look at what is happening psychologically. Many of us, whether we realize it or not, use intense relationships as a way to bury or block out awareness of painful memories and feelings about past experiences. This is especially true for those who suffered, and are trying to outrun the pain of, challenging family issues or various types of abuse or abandonment in their development. In fact, for some, this barrier function becomes the main purpose of relationships.

When such a person has a relationship end, and their partner is no longer there to help stimulate their internal chemicals and distract them, all of these years’ worth of painful past memories and feelings may surface at once. This can be an overwhelming experience. And it can bring on many symptoms that do mimic depression, such as loss of appetite, loss of pleasure in usually enjoyable activities and changes in sleep habits. In fact, it can be truly difficult for the average person to tell the difference between this withdrawal experience and that of depression.

However, despite these symptomatic similarities, it is very important to distinguish between normal heartbreak, depression or other disorders and withdrawal because they require different – sometimes even completely opposite – approaches to recovery and support mechanisms.

One of the central aspects of withdrawal from an addiction is that the feelings, by their very nature, push the person with tremendous force in exactly the “wrong” direction. So a person experiencing withdrawal after a breakup feels with every fiber of his or her being that the best thing to do, the only answer to their pain, is to desperately try to get back the person from whom they are separated. In fact, the drive to do so can be so strong that it is likely behind many of the tragic “crimes of passion” or “fatal attraction” scenarios that periodically take place. But the additional tragedy is that even if such a person did get their ex back, it would only ease the pain temporarily, while further sinking them into the cycle of addiction.

While it is natural in the midst of pain on the order of serious withdrawal to want it to go away as fast as possible, quick fixes aren’t the answer. In fact, the search for quick fixes is exactly what creates an addict in the first place. Instead, a person experiencing relationship addiction withdrawal should take some different, and sometimes counterintuitive, steps.

1. Do NOT run back to the person you are in withdrawal from, no matter how strongly you may feel driven to do so. Think of the feelings that urge you to return to them as powerful, but misguided, illusions.
2. Resolve to use this opportunity – perhaps for the first time in your life – to prove to yourself that you can face your past and its pain and, with the right support, develop the courage and strength to survive it.
3. Begin to educate yourself by reading books and resources about addictive relationships and related topics such as love addiction, sex addiction and codependence. They will help you make sense of what you’re going through and help you feel less alone.
4. Seek support groups and/or therapists that know about or specialize in relationship addiction or related fields like codependence. This can be crucial, as it is very difficult to go through withdrawal and not run back to the source of your addiction without support from other healthier sources. Don’t hesitate to ask openly if potential support people are aware of important distinctions such as those between normal heartbreak, depression and addictive relationship withdrawal. Ask if they are equipped to help you figure out which one you are experiencing and treat it accordingly.

Remember, most breakups hurt and the pain you are feeling may be simple, healthy heartache that will pass with time. Or it may be something more serious, but widely recognized like depression. By no means should you rule these out. Take the time and find the resources and qualified professionals necessary to help you if these are what you are experiencing.

But make sure that you and those who offer you breakup advice and support at least consider the possibility that you may be in withdrawal from a relationship addiction.