Breakup Advice

Can research data help you stop a break up?

That is a fascinating question raised by this interesting piece, which many people are tweeting about and sharing links to in the last couple of days:

Amazing Facts About Facebook and Breakups

Basically, writer and designer David McCandless – author of Information is Beautiful – scanned thousands of Facebook status updates, seeking patterns regarding when people’s relationships most often break up. And he found some very specific patterns.

While the patterns are interesting in themselves, what may be most interesting are the questions they raise about how we can use this kind of information. For example, if we know there are times that we are most likely to breakup, can we then do something to change that pattern for the better?

I think it’s very possible, but may require more insight on why people break up during these periods. Are these breakups that were inevitable and just seem to have their last straw broken at those specific times? Or are these relationships that, if they were able to get through those pivotal times, could then go on to be more successful?

It seems we don’t yet know the answers to these questions. But this very interesting study raises a lot of possibilities for becoming conscious of relationship patterns and using that awareness to act more wisely and intentionally – and perhaps to stop a break up altogether.

How can we stop a break up from happening? This is a question that many visitors to this site will surely have. Along with discussions of situations where breakups are inevitable and of getting over a broken heart after a break up, we will also be addressing this question of how to prevent breakups or save marriage from divorce in the first place.

This discussion will include two main aspects:

• Preventative methods to be put in place to build a strong relationship that is less likely to even reach the brink of a breakup
• Emergency measures to take when a relationship is currently on the brink of a breakup

The bottom line is that yes, you can, in many cases, stop a break up. This doesn’t mean, however, that you always should stop a break up. Some relationship situations truly are best resolved by a breakup.

Our goal is to help you handle whatever relationship challenges arise in the most optimal way possible. If you do this, then you may still end up breaking up, but likely with much less regret than if you did so impulsively without first taking some important steps. In addition, even if you do break up after these measures, you will have learned valuable lessons that can help you avoid repeating the same pattern in your next relationship.

But we also believe that if you apply these measures, and your relationship is one with potential that has simply run into a difficult test, you can pass that test and stop a break up and even go on to create a relationship more fulfilling than before.

I read through many breakup advice forums featuring discussions about relationship issues. Though it may take a variety of forms, there is one question that comes up repeatedly in those discussions:

“I’m suddenly having challenges with my partner. Should we breakup?”

And, in my view, there is one very solid answer to that question:

“It depends.”

Let me qualify that. If the relationship is seriously abusive, then the answer may be that it is at least time to separate and seek safety immediately. But, in any case other than that, challenges in a relationship may, but do not necessarily, mean that you are incompatible. Knowing what to do when a relationship hits such rough spots requires a certain amount of testing.

There are two key factors to keep in mind when thinking about relationship challenges.

• Relationships Go Through Phases – In Disney-type films, the movie often ends just as the Prince and Princess are beginning their relationship. We rarely get to check in and see how they are doing even one year later. Perhaps this contributes to the fantasy that relationships are supposed to be smooth sailing forever.

  In reality, there is a period of infatuation where it seems our partner can do no wrong. But it is completely normal that, in time, that phase of seeming perfection wears off. The relationship enters a second stage where we start to see things in a new light and notice problems we may have overlooked before. We may face challenges with our partner, perhaps for the first time. Again, this is completely normal. In fact, if you wait for a relationship where this never happens, you could be waiting for a very long time.

• This Second Relationship Stage Presents Tests That Can Help Us Grow and Develop – If a relationship goes on to be very serious and long-term, the partners are almost certainly going to face challenging situations together. In fact, supporting each other through challenges such as financial difficulties, the death of loved ones or the raising of a child are some of the most important benefits of having a partner in the first place.

  But how well will a couple handle these inevitable challenges if they have never learned to face challenges together earlier in the relationship? When difficulties arise after the infatuation starts to wear off, consider it a chance not to just breakup, but to put to the test how willing and able you both are to learn to work as a team to overcome obstacles together. Consider it like the beginning of training camp for the serious, but often rewarding, challenges that will face you if you do succeed as a couple.

  • Can you work together as a problem-solving team?
  • What talents do each of you bring to the table to help find solutions?
  • Are you able to communicate constructively about sensitive issues?

  Your first relationship challenges are your first opportunity to begin finding the answers to these types of crucial questions. It is in finding these answers that you will discover whether you have the potential to grow up together as long-term supportive partners or whether it may be time to breakup.

Now, any breakup advice worth its salt must admit that the right attitude alone isn’t enough. Even if you approach relationship challenges with these very healthy mindsets, solving the problems you face also requires eventually succeeding in accurately identifying the nature of the relationship problem and acquiring the right skills and tools to address it. You will need to undergo a learning period to figure out what really lies behind your particular difficulty. You may need to research books or resources, such as this website and others, which can help you identify what is really going on. You may also need to seek out certain tools – such as the ones we will share with you over time – that are needed to address the problem.

These things take time. And so it is perfectly alright that you and your partner may not actually be able to solve the problem immediately. What is important is that in attempting to carry out these tasks as a team, you will ultimately find out if you have a partner that is willing to consistently work to improve themselves and the relationship. And that is what can make all the difference. While the situation may still be painful or difficult until it is solved, if you have a partner who is as committed as you are to making things work, and willing to put in the effort as a team to do it, your relationship can ultimately end up even stronger than before.

If you are truly committed to solving the issue, then even if you can’t find the path on your own, you may seek out others, such as a talented counselor or therapist, that can help jumpstart your understanding of what is happening and help guide you toward internalizing the necessary habits and skills.

If you take this type of a constructive approach to your relationship challenges, there are only a few outcomes that are likely.

• Ideally, your partner will agree that it is worth doing the work to solve the puzzle together and the patient, steady journey of doing so will build the relationship in ways you couldn’t have imagined.
• Or, perhaps you will start to learn and practice healthier skills on your own and your partner, seeing you do so habitually for a reasonable amount of time, will eventually pick up on your role modeling and join in.
• If you take the time to learn what is necessary to give change a chance and your partner, even after a reasonable period of time, still refuses to participate, then you will have found out through your testing that you are incompatible on the most fundamental issue – the willingness to work cooperatively as partners. At that point, you may still breakup. But you will do so with the peace of mind of knowing that you fully fulfilled your part in trying to make the relationship work and with newfound knowledge and skills that will improve your life in many areas forever, even without this person in your life. And, moreover, you will begin your next relationship with an even better chance of handling it wisely.

In fact, when your friends notice your improved communication and relationships skills, it probably won’t be long before you will find them coming to you for breakup advice, asking:

“I’m suddenly having challenges with my partner. Should we breakup?”

And you’ll actually know how to answer them.