Breakup Advice

Sometimes after a breakup, we might come to feel we were responsible for what happened and wonder “Should I contact my ex to apologize and let them know how I feel?”

Today we respond to a reader who asks just that question.

The reader writes:

Hello,

I am writing to you today because I have a dilemma! My fiancé (a 4yr relationship) just left me for his ex a little over a month ago and 5 months from our wedding day! As soon as it happened I told him that this was the best and it would make us better people. I naturally blamed him for this whole thing but I realize now that it is as much my fault as it is his.  I have a lot of stuff to work out on my own and find happiness within my self. I really want to thank him and apologize to him for making this split! I would have never left him and known how much I need to grow! I love my ex and i want him to have happiness and if that is not with me that is fine!

Anyway I am writing to you because I need advice…I want to call him or even email him and let him know how thankful I am of this situation and apologize as well! My friends have advised me to not ever talk to him again an let him drowned in his guilt but I have never been a person that can watch others suffer. I feel that this will give me the closure I strive for and allow me to move on and find the happier me! Is it a bad idea? I have been debating about this for a few weeks no and finally know its time! I feel that in order to move on I have to forgive. Should I proceed or just let everything go?

Oh and I work with my ex so it’s making things awkward because he won’t look at me!

And our response:

Your letter is a good example of how breakups can spark enormous insight and self-growth when we respond to them by not only looking outside us at the other person, but also within. But part of that insight comes from looking deeper to be sure what the real meaning of your experience is.

Your ex left you after 5 months of marriage and, as a result, you now more clearly perceive your role in the relationship’s end.

The first question is this:

“Is what I am experiencing in line with reality?”

In other words, is it true that you played an equal, if not the greater, or at least a significant role in causing the breakup and do you really owe him a thank you and an apology? Or is what you are experiencing stemming from a defense mechanism, whereby you were actually treated unfairly but are unable to handle the despair and anger that this might cause you to feel and so it is easier to blame yourself and feel apologetic and thankful, a tactic many people who are mistreated, in ways ranging from minor to major abuse, employ, sometimes consciously, but often unconsciously.

Only you can answer this, perhaps with the help of a counselor or therapist if needed. But it is worth seriously asking yourself how what you are feeling can best be interpreted. Think about whether you have been hurt in the past and if you have had a tendency to handle it poorly so that you may have developed a perceived need to replace difficult feelings with more acceptable ones or if you have perhaps used that tactic before.

Obviously if what you are feeling on the surface is a mask for your true deeper feelings of despair and anger and resentment, then this would change your actions considerably.

However, if you analyze this more and really believe that you played a significant role and are authentically thankful and apologetic, and not just covering up deeper painful emotions, then this is a whole different story. Obviously if you believe forgiveness is part of healing then by all means forgive within your own heart.

But then two more questions arise.

The first one is:

“Why do I really want to contact my ex to tell them about this?”

Is it really to help reduce his suffering and get closure yourself? Or is it to actually keep the drama alive?

Your unconscious will sometimes trick you into doing things that are not healthy, like stoking the flames of a relationship that is not good for you, by convincing you that it is really for good reasons. So just as you need to figure out if you really believe you are responsible and owe him a thanks and apology, you also need to figure out if you really are wanting to contact him for the right reasons or not.

There are valid reasons to consider contacting your ex.

If you believe it will truly help the other person heal and you care about them, then that may be a reason. But you should also be careful to consider that you might be ripping open a wound by doing so more than healing it. Unless you are sure that they are currently in a state where they would want that apology, it may not really be about them at all.

If you believe it will help you, that also may be a reason to make contact. But then you have to consider:

• Whether you’re even right that it will help rather than just stoke the drama again and pull you back in even more
• Whether it will come at the expense of the other person and whether that is worth it.

One thing that can put these issues related to the first question in perspective is realizing that, if your goal really is to just tie up some loose ends, you can always contact your ex later down the road after things have settled down more. If you feel like you’d only want to do it now while things are still healing and suspect you wouldn’t care very much down the road, that could tell you that your mind is manipulating you somewhat into keeping the drama alive under the guise of something healthy.

Once you’re clearer on the real reason you want to contact your ex, then you are ready to consider the second question:

“Should I contact my ex to tell them about this?”

After you’ve better verified how accurate your perception of the situation is and investigated what your motives are and have really considered the potential consequences of your actions – all of which might take you some more time and space to figure out – then the answer to this question will hopefully also be clearer.