Breakup Advice

Someone came to us recently saying “I’ve been wondering how to save my marriage.” They wanted our best advice.

Each marriage is unique in some ways. But there are some things worth keeping in mind when attempting to salvage your partnership.

1. Accept that you can’t save your marriage alone – Even the best person with every relationship skill in the world at their disposal cannot save a relationship with someone who will not do their part. Your partner holds a lot of the chips in this situation. You can only do your best and, if it isn’t enough, live with the peace that comes from knowing you tried.
2. Determine how willing your partner is to communicate – Can you simply say to your partner “I want to know how to save my marriage.”? Is the communication that strong that you can be so open? Or do you have to start smaller and build up? Some partners are willing to talk things out and others are closed off. These situations require different strategies.
3. Start by building rapport – While you might be tempted to jump right into deep relationship discussion, sometimes it’s better to just do something to restore some comfort that you can build upon. What did you and your partner used to do when you were first falling in love? Do something to bring back those feelings and remind them of why you got together in the first place. Or think about what your partner enjoys most and surprise them by setting that up for them. Consider it an olive branch to start the process going.
4. Be conscious of defenses – Most relationship conflict stems from the partners’ emotional defense systems. These systems are set up to protect us from being hurt in ways that we are most sensitive to. They can distort situations because, while you think you are talking about the present, your unconscious minds are stuck in the past. Realizing how these systems work means you can better respond to the defenses, even when they are not rational. Al Turtle’s Relationship Wisdom website has fantastic advice on this subject.

5. Seek counseling – There is no substitute for a great guide to help you navigate the journey. We especially recommend a therapist that specializes in Imago Relationship Therapy. Even if your partner won’t go with you at first, it’s worth going to discuss the situation yourself. Eventually the partner may become more open to the idea, especially as they see the changes in you. If they don’t, you will be in a better position to end the relationship in a healthy way and get through the aftermath with that support in place.

This is the advice we offer to the person who said they wanted to know “how to save my marriage.” And we offer it to you if you are in the same position.

One last bonus note: There is another important question you should ask and that is “Should I save my marriage?” Not every relationship is healthy. If there is enough abuse or dysfunction involved, it may be better to separate. This is a big decision that a therapist can also help you make.

A lot of people, when wondering what to do in their love life, turn to relationship advice columns. There are many columns out there and they often give contradictory advice. So which ones should you believe?

The first thing to understand about relationship advice columns is that their writers all subscribe to different schools of thought. There are as many schools of thought about relationships as there are about other controversial topics such as politics or religion. And this can make it confusing to figure out whose words of wisdom really are wise for you to follow.

One thing that can help is realizing that these many schools of thought can basically be grouped, as we have discussed before, into two main categories:

• Symptom-Focused Breakup Advice
• Origin-Focused Breakup Advice

When you just need a quick fix to a superficial problem and are truly alright with knowing you will probably have to face it again in some form later, symptom-focused breakup advice – and relationship advice columns that take that perspective – can be useful.

However, in most cases, we at Breakup-Advice.org favor an Origin-Focused approach for reasons laid out in the blog post linked above.

When you are considering a relationship advice column, you need to think critically. Start by reading a few of the author’s pieces and deciding if they tend to write from a symptom-focused or origin-focused mindset. Some authors may combine the two and, if done well, this can be very helpful.

In the end you will have to make up your own mind about which school of thought on relationships appeals to you – or, more importantly, which one you think is actually accurate. Just know that there are various perspectives and don’t simply believe the first one you read offers the golden ticket to happiness.

Now what relationship advice column do we recommend?

Since we strongly favor the Imago Relationship approach, it is no surprise that we recommend columns by people involved in that community. And there is one in particular that stands out.

Al Turtle is a therapist who works in the Imago tradition and he runs a website where he addresses countless questions about relationships and offers his wisdom. It is appropriately titled Al Turtle’s Relationship Wisdom. We have no doubt you will find it extremely enlightening.

Al’s is the column with which we are most familiar. But if you do some searching, you can find others written by people schooled in Imago therapy. For example, with a quick search we discovered that Stacy Notaras Murphy, a certified Imago Couples Therapist, writes a relationship advice column for The Georgetowner.

Ultimately, the best advice of all is to read a variety of relationship advice columns by people from different schools of thought and, over time, compare and contrast them to find the ones that really have the most to offer.