Breakup Advice

Today, we have a question from a reader who finds herself having been passed over for another woman – an event that has happened to her before and that, thus, has left her feeling devastated.

She writes:

I just turned 50. A year ago I decided to explore online dating after 10 years devoted to being a single mom. Still in the midst of coping with a painful rejection from a man I met there with whom I had a lot in common, but who decided there was ‘no chemistry’ after we explored a friendship (and was sexually impotent with me), I messaged another man who appeared to have similar values and interests. He responded very strongly that he was captivated by my profile and picture, and that he was soon moving to my city for a new job.

We chatted and emailed for 2 weeks. He was up front telling me that he was just out of a long term relationship and had some dates that went very well with another woman who lived here on a previous trip, but he wanted to meet me, too. ( I have always been skeptical of too much interest right away from men who don’t even know me yet, but he was incredibly romantic and charming and we just clicked even before we met.) We met/had our 1st date the day he moved here.

For 6 weeks he showed me everything I’ve never had in a man, and have been missing out on. Kind, attentive, respectful, passionate wonderful in bed, liked me for things I want to be liked for. I trusted him and started opening up with him in ways I have never before. Then I noticed him getting distant, and asked him if we needed to take a break, was he seeing/needed to see other people? (It was then I found out that he had been seeing the other woman he had mentioned all along, and he felt himself in a huge dilemma because he couldn’t be so close to 2 at once. He acknowledged that we were on the verge of an exclusive relationship. I felt like I was on an episode of the TV show “The Bachelor.” He chose the other woman, but indicated the he was ambivalent suggesting that we give it some time, see how we feel, he never has actually dated much (married for 14 years before his recent relationship) and needed to date. He said he felt dirty being involved with 2 women at such a level.

I was shellshocked, and incredibly sad. He was very kind and empathetic and apologized for hurting me. That only made it worse, because it showed his quality. I knew it was probably final, but hoped maybe in the future he’d come back. 3 weeks later, I impulsively initiated an online chat, he said he had been thinking of me, we talked on the phone briefly, and the next night I found flowers at my door that he had brought himself with a card that only said “I hope you’re doing well”. I emailed him a few days later that I missed him. He responded in a joking way. I then talked to him and was rather angry telling him the flowers were an ambiguous message and was there something unfinished between us or not? He said he didn’t mean to be ambiguous and “No”, but texted me a few days later wishing me well on a community event I was coordinating.

I feel like a fool, he was only being kind after he broke up with me, have been crying for 6 weeks now, am miserably depressed, think about him constantly, and check to see if he’s on the online dating site. He is. I can’t stop hoping there is still a possibility for us.

I am in despair about ever having a relationship. I am 50. I have had 2 other painful experiences in my life where men I was involved with have explicitly chosen another woman over me, and I know that is why this is so hard, in addition to the loneliness of the past 10 years. I am told I am very physically attractive, and young looking, and I get tons of online dating interest, but I can only think of him. It was only a 2 month relationship. What’s wrong with me to feel this pain so intensely? I have even started smoking again. Help.

And our response:

Hello and thanks for sharing your story. First of all, I’m very sorry to hear about this painful situation.

Here is my take on it and I don’t think it will surprise you. I think it’s something that you know but maybe just need to hear from another party to reinforce for you.

This man sounds like an honest man. He was up front about the fact that he was just out of a marriage and seeing other people in addition to you. He is in an exploration phase, unsure of even who he himself is at the moment, much less what he wants. I think that explains the sense of confusion around all of it. That confusion makes it difficult and can lead to people ending up hurt. But he was genuine enough to share this up front.

My sense is that being a caring person he really does feel badly about anyone getting hurt. But there was no simple way for that to be avoided. By being open with everyone involved (at least that’s what I’m gathering from your story) he did what he was responsible to do. Other than that it just sounds like a situation where it isn’t possible for everyone to win.

But, in the end, I feel like this is one of those situations where your best move is the same regardless of what is going on with him. Whether there is any hope of him coming back to you or not, in both cases it seems in your best interest to back off from the situation. Pressuring him would only make you seem less attractive and the other woman more attractive so it would probably diminish any hope that existed. And if he is sincere in telling you that there is actually not any chance of getting back together, then it would be a waste of energy.

If you needed to, I wouldn’t find it too much to simply prepare one last letter letting him know that you are interested and do want to be with him, but have to move on for now. After that I wouldn’t contact him anymore – certainly not in the foreseeable future until you were far past this pain.

At that point the focus becomes you and the terrible abandonment/inferiority that this is stirring up for you again. There are no magic words that I can say to fix that. But it does help to understand where those feelings come from. You mentioned having felt these feelings stirred up in earlier relationships where someone was chosen over you. Quite possibly this feeling of being passed over for someone else – of being “less than” – goes back even further.

The silver lining of these feelings is they can help us trace back to events that we have forgotten and not resolved and sometimes at least get some understanding if not resolution.

Sometimes I think these unearthings of painful feelings end up serving as nothing more than a strengthening phase. You can get through this hurt. It is almost a form of withdrawal. And if you take it day by day and work through it rather than run from it, it will pass in time leaving you even more resilient.

Some find it helpful as this withdrawal-like phase is going on to read books like those we recommend that validate those feelings and keep them aware of what is real and what is being magnified by the unresolved emotions reawakened from the past. Some find it helpful just to keep busy and distract so as to survive another day not going back to the source until they are strong enough to face the pain itself. And this can always be a good time to find a good therapist to help you through it.

I think this sets the stage for how to respond. If you (or anyone reading this) have any follow-up questions, feel free to leave them in the comments.

Abandonment issues, symptoms of which can take a variety of forms, are probably one of the single most common causes of unhealthy relationships and breakups. On one hand, they can lead to jealousy, pushiness and verbal and physical abuse. On the other hand, they can lead to distancing and coldness.

What are the symptoms of abandonment issues and how can we recognize them?

It is helpful to divide abandonment issues symptoms into two categories. These categories are based on the two main categories of defensive styles identified by Harville Hendrix in his books Keeping the Love You Find and Getting the Love You Want.

The first category is called maximizing. Maximizing takes place when a person responds to a failure to get their needs met by becoming overly aggressive and reactive in coping with the resulting wound.

So, for example, if a person’s parents or other significant caregivers are not sufficiently present physically and/or emotionally for them at some formative stage in life, they may, later in life, act in an excessively forward manner trying to fill the void. They also may become very upset or angry at even the perception that someone they care about is not or may soon not be as close to them as they wish.

Abandonment issues symptoms that take this maximizing form can include:

• Frequent complaints about their partner’s distance

• Attempts to guilt their partner into being present more often

• Refusing to accept reasonable boundaries

• Hints and accusations that their partner has been unfaithful

• Insistence on being involved in every aspect of their partner’s life

The second category of abandonment issues symptoms is called minimizing. Minimizing takes place when a person responds to a failure to get their needs met by trying to simply cut off awareness of those needs in an attempt to numb the pain of the resulting wound.

So, for example, if a person’s parents or other significant caregivers are not sufficiently present physically and/or emotionally for them at some formative stage in life, they may, later in life, act very stoically and independently, refusing to fully admit their need for healthy attachments or to participate in relationships that could involve the risks associated with intimacy.

Abandonment issues symptoms that take this minimizing form can include:

• Frequent attempts to cut off emotional discussions, either by changing the subject or physically leaving the situation
• Refusal to actively show affection
• Putting down those that openly display vulnerability, painting them as weak
• Long periods of consistent behavior periodically interrupted by emotional explosions when tensions build to the boiling point.

In most relationships, each partner falls more or less into one of these categories. And understanding these dynamics is especially important since, typically, a maximizer and minimizer attract each other.

So look for these abandonment issues symptoms in your relationships and, when you recognize them, remember that these behaviors are rooted in deep pains from the past. Luckily, with the right techniques, such as those championed in Imago Relationship Therapy, abandonment issues can be resolved when partners work together to do so. And this can lead to a very powerful connection and lasting love.

In the painful days right after a relationship has ended, it can be difficult to imagine how to get through a breakup. The pain can be so intense that some people believe it will never end. Others even feel that they want to harm themselves. It can be a serious time in a person’s life.

The most important thing in getting through a breakup is first to maintain basic safety. This means that if you truly feel like harming yourself or others, you should take steps to get the support you need. Your first step should probably be to find a good therapist in your area that can help you grieve and guide you so that you don’t do anything that you will regret later.

Once basic safety is in place, the next issue is persevering through the suffering itself. It is perfectly natural that, for some period after a breakup, you will experience pain. In fact, if you don’t experience any pain after a meaningful relationship ends, that itself may indicate a problem worth investigating.

Dealing with the pain of a breakup is a lot like dealing with the pain of any injury. If you hurt your arm, you need to take some time to relax where you don’t put too much pressure on it. Similarly, when your heart is hurting after a breakup, you may need to take some time to go easier on yourself.

Also like other injuries, depending on how serious it is, you may need to get it treated. If your arm is broken, you may need a cast. And if your breakup has triggered extremely sensitive areas for you, perhaps tied to past wounds, you may need treatment by a good therapist to help you heal up stronger than before.

The next level of getting through a breakup is learning. In many cases, underneath the pain that separations bring are important lessons about ourselves trying to come to the surface. Often the pain brings with it messages of past unresolved issues. If you express the pain through journaling, for example, you may find your mind wandering to past abuses or abandonments that you had long forgotten about. These events can be very painful to remember, but surfacing them gives you a chance to heal them and make your recovery even more full than it would have been otherwise.

Because breakups bring on periods in which we have so much to learn, it can be very helpful, at those times, to read good books about issues relevant to relationships.

The important thing to remember about how to get through a breakup is that things aren’t always what they seem. You may feel the pain will never end, but you know in your mind it will. You may feel that the person who broke up with you has hurt you like nobody before, when later you may realize that they actually triggered hurt that originates in your past more than in your present. You may feel that you have to be very strong and stoic, when in reality what you need most is to ask for help and finally let your pain out, perhaps for the first time in your life.

There is no one way to get through a breakup. We all grieve in slightly different ways. But if you follow these general guidelines, you will be able to forge your own path through the darkness and back to light and future love.