Breakup Advice

Someone came to us recently saying “I’ve been wondering how to save my marriage.” They wanted our best advice.

Each marriage is unique in some ways. But there are some things worth keeping in mind when attempting to salvage your partnership.

1. Accept that you can’t save your marriage alone – Even the best person with every relationship skill in the world at their disposal cannot save a relationship with someone who will not do their part. Your partner holds a lot of the chips in this situation. You can only do your best and, if it isn’t enough, live with the peace that comes from knowing you tried.
2. Determine how willing your partner is to communicate – Can you simply say to your partner “I want to know how to save my marriage.”? Is the communication that strong that you can be so open? Or do you have to start smaller and build up? Some partners are willing to talk things out and others are closed off. These situations require different strategies.
3. Start by building rapport – While you might be tempted to jump right into deep relationship discussion, sometimes it’s better to just do something to restore some comfort that you can build upon. What did you and your partner used to do when you were first falling in love? Do something to bring back those feelings and remind them of why you got together in the first place. Or think about what your partner enjoys most and surprise them by setting that up for them. Consider it an olive branch to start the process going.
4. Be conscious of defenses – Most relationship conflict stems from the partners’ emotional defense systems. These systems are set up to protect us from being hurt in ways that we are most sensitive to. They can distort situations because, while you think you are talking about the present, your unconscious minds are stuck in the past. Realizing how these systems work means you can better respond to the defenses, even when they are not rational. Al Turtle’s Relationship Wisdom website has fantastic advice on this subject.

5. Seek counseling – There is no substitute for a great guide to help you navigate the journey. We especially recommend a therapist that specializes in Imago Relationship Therapy. Even if your partner won’t go with you at first, it’s worth going to discuss the situation yourself. Eventually the partner may become more open to the idea, especially as they see the changes in you. If they don’t, you will be in a better position to end the relationship in a healthy way and get through the aftermath with that support in place.

This is the advice we offer to the person who said they wanted to know “how to save my marriage.” And we offer it to you if you are in the same position.

One last bonus note: There is another important question you should ask and that is “Should I save my marriage?” Not every relationship is healthy. If there is enough abuse or dysfunction involved, it may be better to separate. This is a big decision that a therapist can also help you make.