Breakup Advice

Many people ask how to fix a relationship. But there is no one single answer because there are so many different types of relationship problems.

We can start by dividing troubled relationships into two categories, however.

• Category 1: Relationships where both partners are interesting in fixing relationship problems
• Category 2: Relationships where one partner wants to fix the relationship and the other does not or is indifferent

Let’s start with the second category. If your relationship falls in this category and you’re reading this article, we can assume you are the partner that wants to know how to fix your relationship because you’re the one interested in doing so. Your partner is distant and does not seem willing to be active in the healing process.

In this situation, you first have to accept the frustrating reality that you cannot force another person to care no matter how strongly you care. You may be unable to persuade this person to participate in fixing the relationship.

However, even in that case, the best thing you can do is work on yourself. If you improve yourself, your partner may start to take notice. This is especially true because those who wish to fix relationships are often the partners that crave closeness while their partners crave space. As you begin to focus more on yourself, your partner will start to feel the breathing room and may relax and eventually seek a little more closeness.

Even in the worst case scenario where your partner never takes an interest again, you can end the relationship already on the path to becoming a stronger person by yourself and in future relationships.

But there are ways you might be able to encourage your partner to join in healing the relationship. One of the most important is to consider what their biggest fears in the relationship are and working to assuage them. Many times, the more distant partner fears engulfment or being overwhelmed by attention and demands on them. If you communicate to your partner that you understand their need for space and prove to them that you can respect it, then you may have more leverage to ask for them to participate in fixing the relationship when you are together.

There are few more frustrating situations to be in than to be in a relationship that you sincerely wish to fix and in which you are putting forth effort to do so with a partner who is unwilling to do his or her part. The bottom line is that you can only work on yourself, express your willingness to respect your partner’s space within reason and then ask them to please participate in the healing process. At that point you simply have to accept that other people make their choices and those choices have consequences. If you’ve done the best you can, then you can hold your head up high regardless of the outcome.

Now let’s consider the first category, in which both partners want to fix the relationship. In this case, it is all about communication and exploration. First you need to communicate to try to zero in on and define what the key problem is. There are many classic problems in relationships that usually stem from some dichotomy where the partners each fall on opposite sides.

We’ve already mentioned one such dichotomy in which one partner values closeness and the other space. Here are some other dichotomies that might be at play in your relationship trouble:

• Wanting to go out more vs. stay in more
• Wanting to spend money freely vs. save frugally
• Wanting to analyze situations more vs. make spontaneous choices
• Wanting things scheduled vs. wanting to play it by ear
• Wanting strict rigid values vs. wanting tolerance and free thinking

Are any of these what has you at odds? If not, talk together about what difference really lies at the heart of your conflict.

Once you have the problem well-defined, then work to become conscious of where this difference began.

Some of these differences have to do with innate temperaments that cannot easily be changed. In that case, you should try to find ways to compromise so neither partner’s preference takes precedence all of the time.

Others of these differences are not innate, but were picked up in the course of your development. They may stem from the values of your families or from rebelling against those values. Try to become conscious of the path that led to these characteristics that are currently at odds. Can you remember the earliest instance of feeling that way? Tell each other your stories and you might find yourself gaining a great deal of compassion and compromising more naturally.

Regardless of the other details of your relationship difficulty, there are two recommendations that are just about always worthwhile.

1. Whether alone or as a couple, find the best relationship therapist you can.
2. Read, alone or together, Getting the Love You Want and the Getting the Love You Want Workbook. These books will bring you tremendous insight and offer you powerful tools that you can use by yourselves or along with a therapist. They will also help you in figuring out what kind of therapist would be most helpful to you.

Fixing a relationship can be a very complex, but rewarding, endeavor. Let us know in the comments section what you think about this topic. What approaches have worked or not worked for you in trying to figure out how to fix a relationship?

If my boyfriend is depressed, what should I do?

This is a question that many people in relationships ask. It is understandable because when you really care about someone and believe that you see them consistently feeling down, there can be mixed emotions.

On one hand, if you are a very compassionate person, you probably feel some motivation to help your partner.

On the other hand, even the most compassionate person can eventually reach their wit’s end and, if the person’s depression seems intractable, wonder if they should finally break up with them.

Let’s take a deeper look at this topic.

First of all, it is important to recognize that the word depressed is often used to describe a variety of different things. When you say my boyfriend is depressed, you may not be quite accurate.

If you perceive your boyfriend as regularly experiencing feelings of sadness or melancholy, it could indicate any of the following:

• Your boyfriend is grieving a loss of some kind
• Your boyfriend is using some substance or substances that are affecting his mood
• Your boyfriend has an undiagnosed medical condition with mood-related symptoms
• Your boyfriend has a history of abuse or neglect that is unresolved

It is also possible that your boyfriend has a chemical imbalance of the neurotransmitters in his brain, which is what many of us immediately think of when we believe a person is consistently depressed. But it is important not to just assume this is the case.

There are some people – and your boyfriend may be one of them – that are just temperamentally less excited and active and seem depressed to others when there is nothing actually unhealthy about them. So make sure to consider this possibility also.

And, finally, you may be misinterpreting the situation entirely and reading in depressed feelings where they really aren’t.

The lesson is not to jump to any conclusions. It can take time and a lot of communication to discover what is really going on.

Once you realize this, you can open up communication with your boyfriend. Let him know that you care about him and that, because of this, you want to understand better how he is feeling and let him understand better how you perceive the situation. Tools like Intentional Dialogue, as described in Getting the Love You Want, can be extremely helpful in facilitating such sensitive discussions.

If the depression you are perceiving is not actually there, if you have been misinterpreting it or if it stems from addressable issues in the relationship itself, this communication may go a long way in getting to the bottom of the problem.

But, if the depressed feelings are real and serious or if you cannot figure out what is going on, it may be best to support your partner in seeking professional help. Love alone does not qualify you to treat what may be a medical condition. So the most loving thing you can do in such a circumstance is stand behind him as he gets assistance from someone trained in these areas, just as you would if he had a broken leg.

The biggest challenge you will have is deciding what role you want to play – or is appropriate for you to play – in your partner’s attempts at recovery. A balanced approach is healthiest. It is perfectly reasonable for you to want to help and to offer support. At the same time, you must realize that you can only help so much. You must be watchful that you don’t use your boyfriend’s problems as an excuse to avoid dealing with your own issues and excessively indulge in feeling needed and wanted, which can signify codependence. And you must remember that you can only really be a healthy support if you are taking care of yourself, as well.

The hardest step may take place in relationships where the boyfriend’s feelings are causing difficulty for his partner, but he is unwilling to respond and make any changes. If this persists too long and you have given all the support you can, then you are well within your rights to consider breaking off the relationship. You don’t have to be stuck saying “My boyfriend is depressed” for the rest of your life. You deserve a healthy relationship or, at the very least, a partner who is willing to work to make it healthy.

Abandonment issues, symptoms of which can take a variety of forms, are probably one of the single most common causes of unhealthy relationships and breakups. On one hand, they can lead to jealousy, pushiness and verbal and physical abuse. On the other hand, they can lead to distancing and coldness.

What are the symptoms of abandonment issues and how can we recognize them?

It is helpful to divide abandonment issues symptoms into two categories. These categories are based on the two main categories of defensive styles identified by Harville Hendrix in his books Keeping the Love You Find and Getting the Love You Want.

The first category is called maximizing. Maximizing takes place when a person responds to a failure to get their needs met by becoming overly aggressive and reactive in coping with the resulting wound.

So, for example, if a person’s parents or other significant caregivers are not sufficiently present physically and/or emotionally for them at some formative stage in life, they may, later in life, act in an excessively forward manner trying to fill the void. They also may become very upset or angry at even the perception that someone they care about is not or may soon not be as close to them as they wish.

Abandonment issues symptoms that take this maximizing form can include:

• Frequent complaints about their partner’s distance

• Attempts to guilt their partner into being present more often

• Refusing to accept reasonable boundaries

• Hints and accusations that their partner has been unfaithful

• Insistence on being involved in every aspect of their partner’s life

The second category of abandonment issues symptoms is called minimizing. Minimizing takes place when a person responds to a failure to get their needs met by trying to simply cut off awareness of those needs in an attempt to numb the pain of the resulting wound.

So, for example, if a person’s parents or other significant caregivers are not sufficiently present physically and/or emotionally for them at some formative stage in life, they may, later in life, act very stoically and independently, refusing to fully admit their need for healthy attachments or to participate in relationships that could involve the risks associated with intimacy.

Abandonment issues symptoms that take this minimizing form can include:

• Frequent attempts to cut off emotional discussions, either by changing the subject or physically leaving the situation
• Refusal to actively show affection
• Putting down those that openly display vulnerability, painting them as weak
• Long periods of consistent behavior periodically interrupted by emotional explosions when tensions build to the boiling point.

In most relationships, each partner falls more or less into one of these categories. And understanding these dynamics is especially important since, typically, a maximizer and minimizer attract each other.

So look for these abandonment issues symptoms in your relationships and, when you recognize them, remember that these behaviors are rooted in deep pains from the past. Luckily, with the right techniques, such as those championed in Imago Relationship Therapy, abandonment issues can be resolved when partners work together to do so. And this can lead to a very powerful connection and lasting love.