Breakup Advice

Today we respond to a question from a woman who, along with her partner, really wants to salvage their relationship, but is struggling to trust him after he cheated. As you’ll read in our response, it may still be possible for this relationship to become a source of healing and growth for the two of them, but it requires that they be willing to engage in certain work. This question and the response contain lessons for anyone dealing with trust issues in a relationship where one partner is intensely driven to seek security in the relationship and the other partner is, at least periodically, intensely driven to create space.

The reader writes:

Hello,

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over 3 years.

About a year into the relationship I became very insecure and needed to be with him all of the time. I was always worried that if I wasn’t there he would meet someone else and leave and/or cheat. I recognized this behavior was unhealthy but I couldn’t control my emotions or need to be around him and loved by him.

We broke up for about a month, but we ended up getting back together after a long discussion about our wants and needs. Our relationship was okay after that. I did have doubts and fears but was able to manage my emotions.

But recently about 2 months ago I caught him with another woman at a party we were both at. He blamed the alcohol and promised that he loved me and that it was a huge mistake. I made the decision to forgive him and try to make things work.

But, ever since then I am constantly worried about what he’s doing, who’s he texting. I question everything that he’s said since the beginning of our relationship. I’m scared to leave the house and do my own thing because I’m worried that he will cheat. I try to suppress those thoughts and ignore them but I believe I have fallen into a severe depression. The only thing that makes me feel better is him, even though he is the source of my sadness.

We had a long talk about breaking up because I’m not sure if I will ever trust him again. Especially because I had trust issues and poor self esteem before this incident. Neither one of us wants to leave the other but we see no other option.

Is it possible that we can turn this relationship around and rebuild the trust? I know I am also co-dependent and rely on him to make me happy. Is it possible to get through both of these issues? Is it a lost cause and I need to break up in order to heal and learn from my mistakes in order to have a healthy future relationship?

And our response:

Thank you for writing.

What I see most clearly in your story are signs of attachment issues that are surfacing for you at various times. Specifically, you seem to have an intense fear of abandonment. And you are with a partner who triggers this fear of abandonment quite strongly, both through the behavior you sense he may be capable of and through actual actions he’s taken.

This may feel like a very incompatible situation. And on the surface it is. However, as we learn in Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, this interaction between your fear of abandonment and his fear of engulfment – his dislike for feeling trapped or stifled, which leads him to seek escapes or exits outside the relationship – is likely why you were attracted to each other in the first place and provides an opportunity for you both to heal if you’re willing.

Your fear of abandonment, which you brought into the relationship, and his fear of engulfment, which also likely predates the relationship, probably stem from your childhoods. They are issues that you are both unconsciously seeking to heal and you unconsciously recognized each other as partners who can surface this unfinished business for each other. That surfacing is painful and, if not processed properly, can simply lead to further wounding. But, if dealt with using the proper tools, it can be the gateway to the two of you helping each other become more whole.

My advice is to first read Getting the Love You Want. This book will provide you with more specific clarity on what is really going on in the relationship. Once you’ve read it, see if you can encourage your partner to read it too. If he will also read it, that will be very helpful as you can develop a shared understanding of what is happening and how to potentially address it. In that book, you will also learn about the methods that can be used to begin to heal, ideally along with your partner, but also, if he won’t cooperate, then initially by yourself.

Once you have this understanding and start to put in place these optimal methods, you will have a more valid test running of what is possible with your partner in this relationship. If you gain that deep insight, begin to practice the most effective methods, and he still is unwilling to cooperate even to the minimal degree necessary, then you will feel more secure in a decision to leave the relationship, if necessary. On the other hand, if he shows signs of willingness to participate in that healing, even if only in small beginning steps, then you can build from there.

I hope that advice helps.

And if you or anyone reading this, anywhere in the world, wish for more detailed and personal support with your situation, just contact us to discuss the possibilities for coaching sessions on the phone or Skype. In those sessions, we can work hand in hand to help you more clearly understand the dynamics of your situation, strategize the best way forward for you and your partner and turn what can be a painful moment into a major catalyst for growth in your life.

All the best to you and feel free to share your thoughts in the comments.

If you want to know how to fix a marriage, it often helps to know what’s not working. That is not as easy a question as it seems.

You see, there are symptoms and there are sources of symptoms. Most people focus on the symptoms.

So, for example, let’s say that you and your spouse are fighting a lot. If we ask what is not working in your marriage, you might say “We fight too much.” But fighting is a symptom. The question is “Why are you fighting?”

But even that might not give us the answer. Imagine I ask “Why are you fighting?” and you respond “Because he/she isn’t doing things he/she promised to do.” I could then ask “Why isn’t he/she doing things he/she promised to do?” and so on.

In fact, a good policy is to do just this. Ask “Why?” several times. There is even a technique based on this procedure called the “5 Whys” technique. Children naturally do this. They are rarely satisfied with the first answer about something. Once you explain it, they just ask “Why?” again. This might annoy you, but it’s actually a great way to get to the root of problems.

If you keep asking “Why?” enough times, you’re likely to learn some things, such as:

You don’t actually know the source of the problems

In this case, you will need to do more investigation into yourself and your partner. This might involve reading some books or seeing a counselor to help figure out the underlying source.

The source is actually something far in the past

Very commonly, the source of present problems is past wounding. A person who was neglected as a kid may lash out now when they perceive their partner is distancing. A person who was violated as a kid may lash out if not given enough space.

The source has to do with symbols

Why do couples so often have major problems over issues that, on the surface, seem minor, even trivial? The reason is that these small issues are symbolic of larger issues. It may not be a big deal that your spouse fails to clean up after themselves perfectly. But that may be symbolic of a larger pattern of irresponsibility. If that pattern of irresponsibility was something that bothered you with other people in your past, as well, the symbol can be even more potent.

We focused in on this difference between dealing with symptoms and dealing with sources in a previous piece called “Comparing the Two Fundamental Categories of Breakup Advice” in which we contrasted “symptom-focused” and “origin-focused” breakup advice. As you can tell, if you really want to know how to fix a marriage, we believe it’s important, in most cases, to take an origin-focused approach. There are ways to fix a marriage, in some cases, without knowing the sources. But in many cases it will be more effective if you do.

So what do you do once you’ve identified the source? At that point what is going to determine whether you can fix your marriage is how you and your spouse view the purpose of relationships. If you think the purpose is to stay who you each think you are and not change, then you will be committed to maintaining the source of the problem as it is, considering it a part of who you are. But if you think the purpose is to grow and develop, then you will be willing to work on transforming the source together.

Remember that, quite often, you are drawn to someone because your core wounds are complementary. You push each other’s buttons to bring those wounds to each other’s attention so you can help each other heal them.

So this is, in general, how to fix a marriage:

1. Identify the source of the problems
2. Become conscious about the origins of those sources
3. Determine if you are willing to grow and develop together
4. Work to heal each other’s wounded sources of suffering as a team

As always, a good therapist can be a huge ally in this journey of fixing a marriage, a journey which could be the most fulfilling of your life.

Step 1 – Make sure that you really do want to save the relationship

Often we are in pain over a relationship and want to make it last, even though deep down we know it’s not a healthy situation for us. It can be very difficult to save a relationship that we know isn’t right for us because we will be giving mixed messages and creating conflict.

Give this step some serious thought. If you truly believe the relationship is worth saving, then…

Step 2 – Give your partner what they need most at this time

What does your partner crave most right now in the relationship? In most cases, it is one of two things:

• Closeness
• Space

Odds are that lately you haven’t been meeting this need of theirs because it clashes with yours.

If you’ve been distant, it’s time to move a bit closer. If you’ve been overwhelming your partner, it’s time to move back and give them some breathing room.

Once you’ve spent some time meeting your partner’s main need and created some trust…

Step 3 – Share your stories

When you are talking to your partner, ask them to share with you the story of what has been going on for them recently in regards to the relationship. Listen carefully and mirror back what you’re hearing to make sure you’ve understood. Then ask if you can share your story. Stories are powerful. And try to focus on hearing their story and telling yours rather than finger pointing at each other at this stage.

Step 4 – Re-Romanticize

If Steps 2 and 3 of how to save a relationship have gone well, there should be some more trust and emotional rapport between you now. You might be tempted now to pressure for some kind of commitment. But instead, try putting yourselves in situations like those where you fell for each other in the first place. This is based on a technique called re-romanticizing that the great relationship therapist Harville Hendrix recommends. What did you used to be doing together when you fell in love? Go do some of those things again, even if you don’t feel like it before you do them.

Step 5 – Discuss the relationship’s status

Many people jump right to step 5. But if you do this without having built trust and comfort first, you may just push your partner further away. Only now, having done steps 1-4, it’s time to open up a more serious discussion of where things stand. If all has gone well, the bond will be rekindled between you and there will be a mutual desire to commit to each other again.

Saving a relationship can never be an exact science. Not every relationship can be saved. You can only do the best you can to make things work. Ultimately, your partner is a free person and has to make their own choice. But if you do these steps, you can be proud that you gave the relationship a chance, tried your very best to save your relationship and live with whatever the outcome is.