Breakup Advice

It’s impossible to completely predict how any relationship will go. There are too many unforeseeable factors.

However, there are some relationship questions that we can explore to get a general idea of how healthy a relationship is. Here are some questions you might want to think about. Not only can they help you assess a relationship you’re in now, but they might help you figure out what went wrong in past relationships and what you’d like to change in future ones.

Question #1: Can we appreciate each other’s differences?

In a healthy relationship, differences are seen as complementary, not antagonistic. Of course, this idea does have limits. Some differences are non-negotiable. But in most cases, differences, which are not deal-breakers, should be viewed as strengthening, not weakening, the relationship.

Question #2: Can we communicate about disagreements without taking it too personally?

There is no relationship in which couples agree 100% about everything. They all have disagreements, sometimes even very lively ones. But can you still respect each other even during or after what may be heated discussions?

Question #3: Can we explore each other’s pasts together?

A remarkable amount of what goes on in relationship dynamics stems from our pasts, going all the way back to our childhoods and our relationships with our parents or caregivers. Are you comfortable enough to get to know your partner’s past and share yours? This is one of the most important relationship questions to ask of all because, if you can, it will put all of your present and future interactions in a new light and may help build compassion.

Question #4: Do we share the same view of the purpose of relationships?

Are relationships about loyalty? Fun? Building financial security? Emotional growth? Even if you said all of those, then which ones take priority over the others? While it’s fine, even important, to disagree on some things with your partner, one of the most important ones to have some agreement on is about what relationships mean to you in the first place.

Question #5: Have we openly discussed our desires regarding children and how we believe they should be raised?

Few things can be more tragic than when couples fail to talk about their views about children and then end up in a parenting situation for which they are not prepared. It is especially tragic because often it is the innocent children that end up paying the price because their parents failed to explore this topic before they came along. This may be one of those non-negotiable differences if you and your partner truly disagree. A world of trouble and relationship problems can be avoided by clarifying your feelings and beliefs about parenting before they become a part of daily life.

Question #6: Can we be sensitive to each other’s greatest joys and fears, even if they are not always the same?

What most inspires your partner and what do they most fear? If you don’t know, why not? Do they know what your answer to these questions would be? Can you talk about these things together? So much of our lives are driven by joy and fear. It can help to be conscious of what brings about these emotions for each other.

These are just a few of the many relationship questions worth asking. But they are also some of the most important.

What questions do you think are most important for partners to explore? Let us know. Leave a comment.

A lot of people, when wondering what to do in their love life, turn to relationship advice columns. There are many columns out there and they often give contradictory advice. So which ones should you believe?

The first thing to understand about relationship advice columns is that their writers all subscribe to different schools of thought. There are as many schools of thought about relationships as there are about other controversial topics such as politics or religion. And this can make it confusing to figure out whose words of wisdom really are wise for you to follow.

One thing that can help is realizing that these many schools of thought can basically be grouped, as we have discussed before, into two main categories:

• Symptom-Focused Breakup Advice
• Origin-Focused Breakup Advice

When you just need a quick fix to a superficial problem and are truly alright with knowing you will probably have to face it again in some form later, symptom-focused breakup advice – and relationship advice columns that take that perspective – can be useful.

However, in most cases, we at Breakup-Advice.org favor an Origin-Focused approach for reasons laid out in the blog post linked above.

When you are considering a relationship advice column, you need to think critically. Start by reading a few of the author’s pieces and deciding if they tend to write from a symptom-focused or origin-focused mindset. Some authors may combine the two and, if done well, this can be very helpful.

In the end you will have to make up your own mind about which school of thought on relationships appeals to you – or, more importantly, which one you think is actually accurate. Just know that there are various perspectives and don’t simply believe the first one you read offers the golden ticket to happiness.

Now what relationship advice column do we recommend?

Since we strongly favor the Imago Relationship approach, it is no surprise that we recommend columns by people involved in that community. And there is one in particular that stands out.

Al Turtle is a therapist who works in the Imago tradition and he runs a website where he addresses countless questions about relationships and offers his wisdom. It is appropriately titled Al Turtle’s Relationship Wisdom. We have no doubt you will find it extremely enlightening.

Al’s is the column with which we are most familiar. But if you do some searching, you can find others written by people schooled in Imago therapy. For example, with a quick search we discovered that Stacy Notaras Murphy, a certified Imago Couples Therapist, writes a relationship advice column for The Georgetowner.

Ultimately, the best advice of all is to read a variety of relationship advice columns by people from different schools of thought and, over time, compare and contrast them to find the ones that really have the most to offer.

Are you married and sometimes think to yourself “My husband hates me”?

Every so often, we explore what people are talking about around the web in regards to relationships and breakups. Well today, we came across an interesting discussion sparked by a woman who said just that – “My husband hates me.”

Now, that is a powerful and tragic statement. And yet there is no doubt that it expresses a painful truth:

There are many marriages in which a person perceives that they are hated by their husband or in which, sadly, it is actually true.

The natural next question if you find yourself in a situation like that is “What do I do?” So let me give some thoughts on that question.

The first step, as is so often the case with perceptions and feelings, is to take a deep breath and try, to the best of your ability, to figure out if what you believe is accurate or if perhaps you are misreading the situation. There are many reasons you might misread such a situation. For instance:

• You may be projecting. This happens when you actually are feeling the dislike for the other person, but cannot admit that to yourself. So instead your mind sort of reverses things and convinces you that the other person is the one that dislikes you. This allows you to see yourself as the good person or it helps rationalize why you might be justified if you do dislike them.
• You may simply be misunderstanding. Have you ever played that game of telephone where, as the message gets passed from one person to another, it becomes more and more inaccurate? Well a similar situation can happen even between just two people when communication isn’t handled well. Perhaps your husband is angry at someone else or upset about some situation separate from you and you are misinterpreting his feelings as being about you.

It’s important to at least consider that you might be misunderstanding. But it’s also important not to go so far that you invalidate yourself and lose trust in your perceptions completely. It’s best to take a balanced approach.

If you do this and still feel it is likely that your perception is accurate, then it’s time to take the next step.

The next step is to determine if it is safe to talk to your husband about this. Ideally, you could share with him your concerns and work things out together. It may not be an easy conversation to have, but it could be very beneficial. However, this can only happen if you trust that you would not be in any danger. If the relationship has been abusive or your husband has a bad temper and you are fearful, then there may be other steps to take first.

One good step that you might want to consider is to see a therapist to discuss what you are perceiving. A good therapist may be able to help you gradually separate fact from fiction, determine whether there is a chance to communicate with your husband about your feelings and decide how to do it, as well as help support you through the process.

Another step that we would recommend is reading the section in Getting the Love You Want that describes the Container Exercise. This is an exercise that may really help you better understand the role of anger in relationships. Hatred, such as that you perceive coming from your husband, almost always involves anger at the root. And handling anger in relationships is an important and valuable skill.

If your marriage, even if imperfect, is at least safe, there is a chance not only to resolve the anger, but to channel it into a better relationship in the long run. The energy trapped in anger can often be used for growth when it is released in a wise, controlled manner, as is done with the Container Exercise. Healthy, mature communication is the absolute essential key.

However, hatred involving a person with poor impulse control or who is capable of violence can be very dangerous. And if you feel you are in danger, then the most important thing is to first protect yourself. Nothing else beneficial can happen without a foundation of safety.