Breakup Advice

Today we have a question from a reader who, in his late 20’s, started dating a 19 year old woman and seemed potentially headed for marriage. However, after a couple years, the relationship started to grow more unstable, leading to a painful breakup. He is struggling to deal with the aftermath, especially given their close proximity, and asks for some advice.

The reader has allowed us to post the question and response, which is always appreciated. As always, contact us if you’d like advice and we will be sure to respect your privacy by only posting your question with permission and with any changes you prefer to protect your anonymity.

The reader writes:

My girlfriend and I had a “break” which turned into a breakup. We were together two and half years and it was my first relationship. It wasn’t an ideal breakup either. She was 19 when we started dating and I was in my late 20′s. After about a year we were talking about marriage and future plans, but when she turned 21 she really started getting distracted and annoyed. Very quickly everything I said was dismissed or brushed aside like I was repeating myself. It wasn’t long after that she wanted a “break.” I thought she just needed time, maybe a year of fun with her friends, and it looked like that might be true because she started going out with her friends and having a blast. She still would say things like “why did we break up again?” or “maybe one day we’ll get back together.” She even said that one day we might get back together as soon as a month ago.

Now though, she has a new boyfriend and when we talk (once a month) she takes everything I say as some kind of insult or nosiness, and asks why I can’t just get over her. All of a sudden she can’t see me any other way. I’ve hit rock bottom so many times the last seven months. I had all kinds of trouble with anxiety and depression, I’ve lost all interest in everything, I feel nauseated often, and it doesn’t feel like this can end well. She’s gone now and I know I can’t talk to her because it’s too painful, but the thing is she works at my job. We work 40 feet from each other. Plus when I moved to this city our relationship took over my life. Everything about this area has a memory of her and I. I see these places everyday. What’s worse is she is a 5 minute drive from me. I drive by there all the time and see her family outside. What do I do? I’m going insane. She’s gone, but she’s not gone, she doesn’t want me, but I’m still in love with her.

And now our response:

Dear Reader:

First of all, I’m sorry you find yourself in such a painful situation. Breakups can really be devastating because they can dredge up difficult feelings from multiple levels at once.

The first thing that struck me upon reading your story is the ages. Your girlfriend was very young and likely at a point in life where she didn’t really know who she was. It’s common, even in healthy people, to still be forming one’s identity at 19-21 years old. So it’s entirely possible that she really felt your relationship was right at first and for a while thereafter, but then felt a drive leading her to explore elsewhere in order to develop other parts of herself before committing to any path and then some feelings of wanting to go back to you and so on, even going back and forth multiple times. There wasn’t the stability that there might be with an older more developed person. So that might partly explain why the ups and downs of this played out as they did.

Also, I notice that you were in your late 20′s when this started and therefore a significant bit older than her. I don’t raise that to say that there is necessarily anything wrong with that. There are certainly healthy wonderful relationships between people of those ages. But it is also sometimes the case that when a guy is more comfortable playing situations out with someone at that much younger, less developed age, he too has some unformed identity issues that put him at a similar level of maturity. You mentioned that in your late 20′s this was your first relationship. So that leads me to suspect that there is something to the notion that, despite the age gap, the level of development and maturity in certain areas may have been similar.

So the age issues alone may lead to some insight about what was going on there and why there was the instability.

It is sort of an archetypal situation, I think, where the inexperienced somewhat older guy becomes absolutely smitten with the lively exciting younger woman. And, in turn, the younger woman, at first, gets a real boost from this older guy noticing her and thinking she is special. Things can move very fast, with fantasies being thrown about and the feeling that all wounds are healed and all life will be wonderful from then on. But without the actual maturity to back it up, it is all built on sand and soon crumbles, leaving a lot of pain.

There is also the very slight possibility that some of the signs you mention point to something like Borderline Personality Disorder. I’m not saying she has that or not. I don’t have nearly enough information. And actually at this point I would say it’s not that likely just from what you said. But some of the things point to that a little, such as her unstable view of you and her apparent lack of empathy for why you are so hurt and expecting it to just go away simply because she suddenly has lost interest. Also, I think that sometimes issues like that are common in the older guy-younger woman situation. So that is just a possibility to consider, though certainly not anything solid. Honestly it sounds more like just the normal instability of a younger woman. But I wanted to just mention this so you can look into it more and see what you think.

Now it sounds like this has all left you in a very painful place. It is possible you are experiencing a sort of withdrawal, rather than just typical healthy heartbreak or depression. A lot of the things you mention point to that.

So there are some things I’d recommend.

First of all, as hard as it is, it is probably best for you to accept and even decide for yourself that it is over with her once and for all – that even if she wanted to come back you are no longer willing. I know this is hard to do as you probably harbor many fantasies of her running back to you and how everything would magically be ok. And it’s certainly possible to put together some scheme to valiantly try to win her back. But keep in mind that realistically, even if she came back, she is still the same person at basically the same level of stability and would likely go back and forth again putting you through hell. Also this is someone who, from what you say, seems to lack much empathy for you when you’re going through a rough time. Obviously you’re very attracted to her, but that attraction doesn’t mean she is healthy for you.

And so try to remember this as you decide to accept that the relationship is over and that it is likely best for you, even when your body and your emotions may tell you otherwise at the moment. It is possible that she will grow more and in a few years realize that you really were right for each other. But even if that did happen, it still wouldn’t help you right now to focus on that. It would still be better for you to decide that this is over and give yourself that clarity so you can heal. Whatever will happen years from now can likely only be helped by you treating the situation, for any foreseeable future, as done. If she already knows how you feel, knows you’d like to reunite and is with someone else and treating your pain as a nuisance, I think it’s safe to say that you’ve said your peace and can accept it’s over without worrying that you left some great possibility unexplored.

Second, it may help you at this time to pour yourself into seeking insight and understanding about what you’re going through. There are a couple of books we recommend often that might help you a great deal right now.

	How to Break Your Addiction to a Person by Howard Halpern – This book may really open your eyes about why the breakup is taking the toll on you it is, down to the level of feeling nausea and so on.
	Keeping the Love You Find by Harville Hendrix – This book will give you some deep revelations about why you were attracted to this person in particular, what was psychologically driving you two together, as well as apart, and how you can work on some of these issues to heal and prepare for another relationship in the future.

You are a late bloomer and didn’t have your first relationship until late, and so I imagine part of your pain is the feeling you can never find anyone like this again. Her attention and attraction to you made you feel special and boosted your ego. And losing that is like losing a drug in your system in a way. But you can certainly have other relationships in the future. Some of us have been through multiple breakups, each of them feeling like the end of life, and after a few you realize that the feelings are coming from somewhere important but that, without some interpretation skills, it isn’t always easy to correctly decipher their message. Those books will give you a lot of understanding about that.

Finally, you do have a very tough logistical situation. I would absolutely recommend full No Contact at this stage, even cutting off the once a month talks, to give you the space to heal. But you seem unable to really do that completely. I can only advise that you do as much of it as you can and, when forced to come into contact, use some way of internally protecting yourself, like focusing on something else in your mind as best you can. Your situation reminds me of that song “Always Something There”.  It’s really a hard one.

If things do get severe enough and continue long enough, though, then I would recommend your next step be to find a therapist who specializes in relationship and attachment type issues and possibly even relationship addiction. They would understand what you’re going through. And the next step, which if necessary you could discuss with that therapist, is to consider if you need to move, perhaps even just temporarily, to give you the space you need. That may not be necessary and with time you may find this easing up, especially as you look at some of the resources I’ve recommended and understand what is going on and heal up some. But it’s a possibility for the future if needed.

The last thing is just to have a little faith that there are all of these options to help you get through this and you really can do it and you’re not alone. Breakups, especially when there are the kinds of self-esteem and identity issues this may have involved, can lead to feelings of hopelessness. You feel like it will never end and you will never feel any joy or security again. But there are millions of people who can attest that, in a few years, you’ll probably look back on this with a little remorse, but have it in better perspective and actually be stronger than you are now if you use the experience for healing.

Thanks for writing and best of luck

Today we have a question from a reader about how to respond to a sudden breakup with a partner who has Borderline Personality Disorder. The reader has been kind enough to give us permission to post the question and our response so that others can benefit from them. We truly appreciate readers who provide such an opportunity.

If you have a question you’d like answered, please contact us. We will never post anything without your permission and, if you do allow us to post your question, will hide any identifying information that you do not want made public.

Now let’s begin with the reader’s question:

Hello,

My name is (name removed). I’m 20 years old. My girlfriend recently broke up with me on August 9th, 2011. We were together for 1 year and would of been 8 months on August 14th, 2011. I’m writing to see if I can get any direction. Let me explain.

She has Borderline Personality Disorder. At first the relationship was great, then she slowly started being mean, then she’d flip out on me every night over something stupid, and small. We lived together for about 1 year and 4-6 months in my parents house because she did nothing but complain about her family cause her mom is a alcoholic, she never knew her dad, her aunt is a backstabber and greedy and scummy. She praised her grandparents, even though her grandfather was a controlling, greedy, jerk. My family treated her amazing, let her live here for free, included her in everything. She had it good here.

Well, we kept fighting about her family, particularily that I didn’t agree with her grandfathers ways for he had recently done somethng rude to her, she did nothing but stick up for him. She kept trying to break up with me, however, I kept saying I’d change. A few days after all this went down, we was all normal. Everything was fine, she was talking about coming home to clean. She had things planned for months ahead of times. Even though I believe she talked bad to her family about me or told them I didn’t like them.

Everything was going fine, she texts me out of the blue and says, I think we should stay apart tonight. I replied, why are you being mean for? Next thing I know, she shows up with a big bag of chewing tobacco for me, and is all crying saying we need to talk. We go upstairs, she didn’t seem to know what to say, so she just said I can’t do this anymore. And I was like, why? Then a few minutes after she’s all crying histerically, she says there’s things about me that would make you hate me. She says she had a crush before me and has feelings for both of us. Which, I don’t believe, I think her family made her break up with me.

I know she had HUGE feelings for me. She always got me little presents, and she was ALWAYS here. She said she never had sex, then said she did off and on all the time. Well, it’s been a few days since then. I am upset about the happy memories we shared. Don’t know how to handle it. However, just a few days later, she texts me, last night actually, and said,”It’s (name removed), this ain’t my phone. I just wanted to let you know to to stop bothering me and stop trying to cause trouble and move on. I’m done completely, and never want to talk to you again or be friends with you so move on.”

Now, I haven’t said a single word to her. At all. I literally haven’t talked to her since that day she came to break up with me. And she came out of the blue and said that. My mom said it was probably her trying to get me to talk to her, to get a reaction. I just don’t understand, I didn’t ever hurt her in any way, never bothered her once after. Why’d she do that? It seems completely unfair and psychotic really.

The reader then sent the following short update:

Something new happened in these events. She had a “crush” before me. And he lives in Virginia. Turns out, he bought her a Greyhound ticket for the 19th of this month to go down there. I couldn’t believe it. I mean, he’s 22 and drinks alot. Has alot of friends. Smokes pot. She hates all of that though. Because of her alcoholic/drug addict mom. So I imagine she’s just running to him because the need for someone. She loves her family to much to possibly move there. I imagine it won’t last more than a week with them because she hates all of that. She’s only 20. So she’ll probably be back begging for me.

And now our response:

Dear Reader:

First, I’m very sorry to hear about this. I know breakups are painful in general and breakups with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder can be incredibly painful.

Now, before moving on to anything else, you have to stop and really understand the nature of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Many people are in relationships with people who have personality disorders, including BPD, but aren’t even aware of the disorder. So, for them, it can be even harder to make sense of the situation and figure out how to respond. You have the benefit of actually knowing that your ex has this condition. And you need to use that knowledge to make sense of this situation before deciding what to do.

People who have Borderline Personality Disorder are very emotionally unstable. Their brains simply don’t process emotions in the same way as emotionally healthy people’s brains do. One result of this is that they can’t be consistent when dealing with intimacy. So they can swing wildly from acting extremely loving to extremely angry and back again, sometimes within mere minutes, over and over. This can be very confusing because every time the relationship seems on the rocks, the next minute the partner with Borderline Personality Disorder can show up and act as if nothing ever happened and even be sweet and caring. So the other partner suddenly thinks things are fine again and, wanting desperately to believe that is true, begins to relax and enjoy the relationship again and indulge in those fantasies of how wonderful things are going to be.

But, as you may know from having been in this relationship for a while, for all intents and purposes we can say that it always swings back again in the other direction. Always. That is the nature of BPD. Back and forth. Back and forth.

BPD is not a minor issue. It’s a very deep and serious issue. For a condition to be classified as a personality disorder, it has to be deep and serious. What that means is that this person is extremely unlikely to change, and most likely will be unable to change, without committing to very intense therapy, probably for a long period of years. It doesn’t seem from what you say that your ex is doing any such thing and so, if you were to go back into the relationship, you could almost certainly expect to just keep going through this agonizing cycle repeatedly.

Imagine if your partner had a serious form of cancer and wasn’t getting consistent and high quality treatment for it. You wouldn’t expect them to be able to just suddenly cure it themselves, would you? And you certainly wouldn’t expect that you could cure it if you just loved them enough, right? Well the same is true with Borderline Personality Disorder. Your love cannot cure it. And without the proper treatment, your partner cannot just choose to change it and suddenly be consistent and caring and fair to you.

You see, at the heart of BPD is usually a serious trauma that the person has not resolved and may not even remember. And until they deal with the effects of that original trauma, which may have occurred early in childhood, long before you ever came into their life, they will not be able to commit to being a healthy partner.

As for the stories about the other relationship and your speculations about your ex’s family, the fact is that you may never really be sure what to believe. That is also the nature of Borderline Personality Disorder. People with this condition often tell various stories, change their stories, tell different stories to different people and so on. Sometimes even they themselves don’t quite know what the truth really is because they get so caught up in their own lies and different stories. You mentioned that your ex’s behavior seems psychotic. Well the reason it is called “Borderline” personality is that it is on the border between neurotic and psychotic and sometimes does lean over into the psychotic side of things. So you may not be far off in your assessment.

So now you are faced with a decision. I am sure you have strong feelings for this person and care about her deeply. And I’m sure that you want to help her. But you have to realize that you are not qualified to help her any more than you would be qualified to cure her cancer if she had that. Your ex has a serious disorder that you did not cause and cannot fix yourself and needs professional care for it. If she got that care and was totally committed to it, then she would have a chance of getting better over time. And it would be noble of you to stand by her as she did this if you were able to do so and if she was absolutely committed to recovery. It’s similar to sticking by an alcoholic as long as they have quit drinking and are going to AA meetings regularly, seeing a therapist and so on.

But unfortunately, it is relatively rare that someone with BPD will really commit fully to treatment. The ones that do that are to be admired and are great examples, but they are the exceptions. And again, you give no sign that this person is even thinking along those lines. If you want to offer your ex one last chance, then you could let her know that you can’t tolerate her behavior anymore, you want her to get help and that if she does you will stand by her.

But you are under no obligation to do that and, even if you did, the odds are slim that she would listen and suddenly make such a bold change. She might even just lash out at you even more aggressively. Apparently, your ex already knows that she has Borderline Personality Disorder so, if she isn’t dealing with it seriously, she may be in denial.

So as much as it hurts, and I know it can hurt incredibly badly, my advice is that your best bet is to appreciate that she did you a favor by telling you to stop talking to her. She gave you an easy out at the moment.

If I were you I would begin a “No Contact” policy immediately. That means:

• Don’t call her
• Don’t text her
• Don’t email her
• Don’t check her online profiles or sites
• Don’t talk to her friends or family trying to find out information about her

No matter how much it hurts, you don’t make any contact with her or take any action to involve yourself in her life in any way. And you commit to this for a significant period of time, at least three or four months, if not longer, I would recommend. Yes it will hurt, sometimes terribly because you are, in a sense, withdrawing from an addiction to her. But that is alright, even healthy, to feel that pain and go through it.

Now you are actually correct that she may at some point, sooner or later, come back and want to talk again or even beg you to return to the relationship. In the community of BPD relationship experts, this is known as “hoovering.” That is why, before going No Contact, you may want to send her one last email just letting her know that you’ve decided to have no contact for a significant period of time because the situation has become unhealthy for you. That way, she will know why you aren’t responding if she contacts you later and you will not feel the need to break up the momentum of your no contact phase to inform her of it later.

Finally, what do you do during this no contact phase? That is really the key to your healing. This is a time to take back – to withdraw – all of the energy you’ve been focusing on trying to make sense of your ex’s erratic behavior and trying to help your ex and apply that same energy to understanding and helping yourself. You see, most likely, you have your own traumas and issues that you’d rather not face and deal with. And that’s a big part of the reason that you may have gotten involved in the first place with someone like your ex who is a constant distraction and always creating drama. As frustrating as dealing with a partner like that may be, it keeps you focused on their drama and not having to think of your own. This is the nature of codependence. With your partner out of the picture, now you will be forced to come face to face with yourself.

There are several things you should consider doing during this self-reflection time:

1. Read good books about topics related to your breakup. Many of them are recommended on our site and in our Breakup Advice Bookstore.

   A few that you may find particularly beneficial right now are:

   	How to Break Your Addiction to a Person by Howard Halpern – This book will help you make sense of and get through the withdrawal pain you’re feeling right now shortly after the breakup.
   	Keeping the Love You Find by Harville Hendrix – This book will help explain the dynamics of why certain people are attracted to each other so you can fully understand why you attracted a person who is so unhealthy and why she attracted you. This will give you a lot of insight into yourself, what to work on to improve while you’re going through this healing period and what to look for in future relationships.
   	Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives by Pia Mellody – A classic book about why certain people take on the role of trying to rescue their partners in relationships.

   Also, it could be especially helpful for you to read books about Borderline Personality Disorder so that you can understand more about what you went through with your ex and really come to see that the issues are deeper than you alone could have fixed.

   Here are a couple of good books about Borderline Personality Disorder:

   	I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality by Jerold J. Kreisman & Hal Straus
   	Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. Mason & Randi Kreger

2. Look for online support groups about relevant issues such as codependence, where you can stay in communication with others who have gone through or are going through this kind of painful experience. It will help you learn a lot and also give you a place to turn when you need to talk so that you don’t end up breaking your No Contact policy to talk to your ex instead.

   You are especially lucky in this area. Many people refer to a person who themselves does not have Borderline Personality Disorder, but has been in a relationship with someone who does as a “Non.” You are a Non. And there is a great support forum for Nons. I highly recommend you seek support on that forum as you will learn a great deal from people who know exactly what you’re going through and how to help.

3. Consider finding a therapist of your own to help you work through the issues that led to you being attracted to and attracting a person with BPD and to help you get through and process the pain of this breakup. Keeping the Love You Find can help you in learning about the type of therapist that might help you.

I know all of this can be somewhat overwhelming. And, as with any addictive situation, it hurts tremendously at first and the pain can even feel like it will never end. But this is actually a fantastic opportunity, if you do the things mentioned above, to grow enormously, become a healthier, stronger person, and ensure that your next relationship will be at least a bit better for you than this one. Years from now, you may look back on this as a huge learning experience and turning point in your life for the better.

Thanks so much for the question and for generously allowing us to share it with others who might benefit from it.

One of the questions most commonly asked by people facing, going through or recovering from the end of a relationship is “How long to get over a break up?”

It’s perfectly understandable that many want to know the answer to this question. Breakups can be extremely painful and whenever we are in pain it is natural to be focused above all on when we can expect the pain to end.

Some have put forth a rule of thumb that says that recovering from a relationship takes half the amount of time that the relationship itself lasted. So, for example, if the relationship lasted two years, it would take one year to fully recover from its breakup. Or if the relationship lasted a year, it would take six months.

While it may be comforting to believe in such a specific heuristic, the truth is that, as with so many questions involving complex processes such as relationships, there is simply no easy formula to accurately determine this answer. To repeat what you will notice is a theme on this blog, breakups are not all the same. And the pain of different breakups can actually stem from multiple, and sometimes very different, processes. As we’ve discussed, breakup pain can represent healthy heartbreak, depression or relationship addiction withdrawal, as well as various other conditions.

And even if we knew exactly which condition the pain represented, in order to even begin to estimate how long to get over a break up, it would still be necessary to know several things about the particular person and relationship involved. Just some of these would include:

• Age – A young teenager may experience a breakup as far more intense and lasting than an adult.
• Experience – A person’s first breakup may be more painful and linger longer than later ones.
• Background – A person with a relatively healthy and supportive family background, all other factors being equal, may have a more solid foundation for overcoming a breakup more quickly.
• Character – Certain personalities adapt to change better than others and might be expected to cope more easily with a breakup.
• Other Underlying Conditions – An otherwise healthy person may heal from a breakup faster than a person who already struggles with other physical or emotional challenges or disorders.
• Nature of the Relationship – The more intense and intimate the relationship, the longer we might expect recovery to take.

There are many other factors that could affect how long to get over a break up, as well.

And yet, even knowing all of these factors, it would still be very difficult to estimate the length of recovery. While teens may stereotypically respond more intensely to breakups, any particular teen may get over a breakup faster than any particular adult. While we often think of first breakups as most painful, it is also feasible that someone, having undergone multiple breakups, might be hit even harder by later ones as they begin to despair of ever finding a lasting relationship. While a supportive family background may offer strength to more rapidly overcome a breakup, it’s also possible that a particular person with a more dysfunctional background could be more familiar with handling painful separations and thus recover from a breakup more quickly.

So, as you can see, while it is perfectly reasonable that a person would want to know how long their breakup pain may last, it is usually not very worthwhile to actually expect a specific answer. There are simply too many factors and too many variations among people and relationships to find one.

There is some potentially good news, however. The intense pain in the early days of a breakup may bring with it the sense that it will never end because – as explained so beautifully in How to Break Your Addiction to a Person – it commonly has its roots in very early childhood abandonments. Yet, quite often, this initial feeling is misleading and the pain does ultimately subside much faster than it at first feels like it will. And even if, for whatever reason, you do experience a more drawn out recovery period, you can use it as an opportunity to finally get the support you need to face issues that have been holding you back your entire life.

So, in other words, your breakup pain may not last as long as you initially feel it will, and, even if it does, if you commit yourself to the recovery process, it can catalyze a beneficial turning point in your life that you may otherwise never have realized.

It can be very difficult, if not impossible, to predict which of these paths any person’s breakup recovery will take. And, in truth, we are better off not spending too much of our time trying to make such predictions. The paradox is that it is often when we stop worrying about how long the breakup pain will last that we truly begin the path toward healing.

The old cliche says that a watched pot never boils. And waiting for the end of breakup pain is similar. The more we focus on the outcome, trying to figure out a precise time schedule, the longer the process seems to take experientially. It is when we focus elsewhere – reading insightful books about recovery, engaging with supportive people and groups, constructively working through our feelings and periodically using non-destructive diversions to keep our mind occupied – that we start to lose track of time and notice progress sooner than we expected.

The lesson is one that is true in many process-based situations. A baseball player will not do very well if he spends his time at the plate worrying about how many hits he has. That time is better spent lost in the process of hitting. A musician will probably not give her best performance if she is focused more on how long the song will last than on the emotion of the song. Focusing on the process allows the results to naturally emerge.

Going through a breakup is also a process. And though it is alright once in a while to stop and ask “How long to get over a break up?” you will be better served if you instead focus on simply doing the best you can at performing the process. Throughout this site we discuss and will continue to discuss how to go through the process of coping with breakups and getting over a broken heart. If you can spend most of your time doing the recovery and seeking the support you need to get through it one day at a time, rather than trying to predict the length of the recovery, the odds are that you will get through it both more quickly and more effectively than you otherwise would.