Breakup Advice

Here are just some of our favorite quotes on relationships.

• “The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances; if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” – Carl Jung in Modern Man in Search of a Soul

• “Seldom or never does a marriage develop into an individual relationship smoothly without crisis. There is no birth of consciousness without pain.” – Carl Jung in “Marriage as a Psychological Relationship”

• “They say that breaking up is hard to do, but that is wrong. It’s easy to walk away before the going gets tough, to find another dreamboat – until the ship starts to sink again. It’s waking up that’s hard to do. ” – Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. in Keeping the Love You Find: A Single Person’s Guide to Achieving Lasting Love

• “Speculation about that elusive quality known as romantic chemistry has baffled scientists and poets alike. In my experience, ‘chemistry’ is based on a similarity according to where you fall on the emotional dyslexia continuum…People who don’t have adult skills haven’t transformed their childlike needs into adult needs, and they’re more likely to rely on superficial qualities in a partner. Basically, they don’t know what would satisfy them if their needs were ‘grown up.’ So they look for mates through a child’s notion of romance. They don’t know themselves well enough to pick partners with whom they’ll share something deep and lasting. ” – Helen Kramer in Liberating the Adult Within: How to Be a Grown-Up For Good

• “When a child is uncertain or pessimistic about his or her value, the child strives to understand and become what is perceived as pleasing to the parents. The normal need for approval becomes a craving and children take to heart extreme messages they are given about their worth. If a child is told, verbally or nonverbally, that he or she is of little value, young parts of the child organize their beliefs around that premise. They become desperate for redemption in the eyes of the person who gave these messages. Thereafter these parts carry the burden of worthlessness, which makes them believe that no one can love them – a belief they will maintain no matter what feedback is received from others…These burdened young parts exert a powerful influence over the person’s intimate relationships as they constantly seek redemption – the lifting of what feels like a curse of unlovability. They will return to the person who stole their self-esteem in this quest, or they will find someone who resembles that person. Often this results in a history of abuse or unsatisfying relationships.” – Richard C. Schwartz, Ph.D. in Internal Family Systems Therapy

• “Now we arrive at the heart of the matter. Our ‘free’ choice of a mate is, in the end, a product of our unconscious, which has an agenda of its own. And what the unconscious wants is to become whole and to heal the wounds of childhood. To this end, it is carrying around its own detailed picture of a proper match, searching not for the right stats, but for the right chemistry. And what is that chemistry? Nothing more than our unconscious attraction to someone who we feel will meet our particular emotional needs. Specifically, that need is to cover the ‘shortfall’ of childhood by having our mates fill in the psychological gaps left by our imperfect childhood caretakers. How do we go about that? By falling madly in love with someone who has both the positive and the negative traits of our imperfect parents, someone who fits an image that we carry deep inside us and for whose embodiment we are unconsciously searching. ” – Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. in Keeping the Love You Find: A Single Person’s Guide to Achieving Lasting Love

• “Marriage is the most complicated of all human relationships. Few alliances can produce such extremes of emotion or can so quickly travel from professions of the utmost bliss to that cold, terminal legal write-off, mental cruelty. When one stops to consider the massive content of archaic data which each partner brings to the marriage through the continuing contributions of his Parent and Child, one can readily see the necessity of an emancipated Adult in each to make this relationship work. Yet the average marriage contract is made by the Child, which understands love as something you feel and not something you do, and which sees happiness as something you pursue rather than a by-product of working toward the happiness of someone other than yourself.” – Thomas A. Harris, M.D. in I’m OK, You’re OK

• “When partners don’t tell each other what they want and constantly criticize each other for missing the boat, it’s no wonder that the spirit of love and cooperation disappears. In its place comes the grim determination of the power struggle, in which each partner tries to force the other to meet his or her needs. Even though their partners react to these maneuvers with renewed hostility, they persevere. Why? Because in their unconscious minds they fear that, if their needs are not met, they will die. This is a classic example of what Freud called the ‘repetition compulsion,’ the tendency of human beings to repeat ineffective behaviors over and over again.” – Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. in Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

• “That rage is a vital expression of life energy is readily apparent. If we repress our anger, we become sick or depressed or condemned to a pale, muted existence. But, on the other hand, if we unleash our rage, we inflict physical or emotional damage on others. How can we release our anger and not hurt the people we love? The answer is a process called ‘containment.’”– Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. in Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

• “The people you are attracted to may not be right for you emotionally, but you’re drawn to them anyway. Something about them – often something less than flattering – reminds you on some level of your father or mother. The person could be rejecting or critical, controlling or domineering, emotionally distant or unavailable. When you encounter someone like this as an adult, it arouses the feeling of longing and insecurity you experienced in your relationship with one of your parents – feelings of emotional hunger that you’ve come to associate with love…The antidote is to recognize this pattern and avoid recreating your emotional past. Your goal is to seek emotionally substantial relationships.” – Susan Anderson in The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life

• “Fortunately, we do have a choice about what kind of marriage we have. Most marriages fail because of the persistence of the unconscious aspects of the relationship. Any unfinished business we had with our caretakers becomes a compelling agenda with our partners. All too commonly, however, the partners never become aware of the hidden needs that drive their relationship and never learn the skills they need to successfully address those needs. As a single, part of your preparation is to understand and prepare for a conscious marriage in which you and your future partner can undo the damage of childhood and recover your true selves.” – Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. in Keeping the Love You Find: A Single Person’s Guide to Achieving Lasting Love

• “Romantic love is supposed to end. It is nature’s glue, which brings two incompatible people together for the purpose of mutual growth, and enables them to survive the disillusionment that they did not marry perfect people. Though romantic love is a foretaste of the potential in the relationship, that potential can only be reached through the valley of despair that is the power struggle. If we do not use the relationship to finish childhood, our marriages will get bogged down in the same issues we were stuck in as children. When romantic love dies, it clears the way for real love.” – Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. in Keeping the Love You Find: A Single Person’s Guide to Achieving Lasting Love

• “An ability to accept our ambivalence toward others may be an important ingredient in relationships that are healthy and lasting.” – Fred Rogers in You Are Special: Words of Wisdom for All Ages from a Beloved Neighbor

• “Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” – James Baldwin

We hope you’ve enjoyed and learned a lot from these quotes on relationships!

When deciding whether to break up with your boyfriend, you may wonder where you can find a “Should I Break Up With My Boyfriend Quiz”

You’d like a list of questions that can help jog your mind and help you come to some conclusion about what to do in a challenging relationship.

The best recommendation of all that we can give is that you take a look at one of Harville Hendrix’s Imago Relationship books. Along with their text, they have quizzes and exercises included that can absolutely change your life and way of thinking about relationships forever. These books are even better than a simple “Should I Break Up With My Boyfriend Quiz.”

If your partner is willing to work with you in exploring what to do next in the relationship, then you should consider Getting the Love You Want.

It even has a workbook that goes along with it.

If you are going to be exploring on your own, then you can consider Keeping the Love You Find.

All of these books are excellent and will not only help you decide “Should I Break Up With My Boyfriend?” now, but will help you make wiser decisions in your relationships for the rest of your life.

But in case you just want our thoughts on some basic questions you should consider before you finally commit to staying or cutting ties with a boyfriend, we’ve put together a list of some questions we think are most important to think about.

In some cases the decision about whether to break up or not is easy. But in many cases, in the gray areas, there is no quiz that can give you a totally clear answer. But hopefully a quiz like this can at least help you come closer to clarity.

Two more notes:

• This quiz can work just as well for guys trying to decide whether to break up with a girlfriend as, for the most part, the deepest issues involved are similar.
• Some of the questions may be ones you didn’t realize are relevant or that probe more deeply than you expected. That is a reflection of our belief that romantic relationships involve issues and feelings from many periods in our lives and from many aspects of ourselves, even when this is not always obvious.

So without further adieu, here is our short “Should I Break Up With My Boyfriend Quiz”

1. Is there physical abuse in the relationship? – If physical abuse is involved in the relationship, this raises the stakes considerably. You may wish to talk to a counselor or therapist to determine the level of danger that you face and how to best respond.
2. Is there emotional abuse in the relationship? – Emotional abuse can also be devastating and, if it is serious, you also may wish to seek counseling or therapy, not only to decide what to do about the relationship, but to understand better why you are drawn to an emotionally abusive partner in the first place.

3. Is your partner conscious about their triggers? – One of the biggest dividing lines in relationships is between partners who are conscious vs. unconscious about the sources of emotions that lead to conflict. All relationships have some level of conflict, but the key is whether partners understand or even think about why certain things hit their buttons.

   If your partner never stops to question why certain things make them very upset or very excited, this is a very bad sign. You might wish to learn more about how certain past issues trigger us and talk about that with your partner. Keeping the Love You Find and Getting the Love You Want can teach you a great deal about this and you can read them and then bring them up in conversation or share them with your partner.

   If your partner is sometimes or often willing to consider that they get upset by something in the relationship because of something in their past, this is a very good sign and there may be a chance to build more insight in the relationship with time and work.

4. Is your partner willing to consider or talk about the real motives behind triggers? – It is perfectly understandable if your partner does not realize how issues in the present relationship often stem from the past. Many of us never learn this growing up or are even discouraged from learning it. But if your partner is unwilling to learn or talk about these dynamics now, that is a bad sign. If your partner is open to talk about such dynamics, this means there is likely more hope for the relationship to become healthy. Be patient. Some partners are uncomfortable about these discussions due to painful situations that they may bring to memory. You don’t have to bring up every issue at once. But if you can make progress over time, then this means the relationship has a chance to grow and improve and may be worth giving a shot.
5. Do you share the same core beliefs about relationships themselves? – Partners often talk about who they believe is the best band or what activities they believe are most fun, yet fail to become clear on what may be the most important beliefs of all in a relationship – beliefs about relationships.

   Does your partner believe relationships are meant to be fun and carefree or more businesslike? Does your partner believe that girlfriends and boyfriends in relationships should be equals or that one or the other partner should be more dominant? Does your partner believe in sharing everything, such as information and money, or that partners should have some degree of separation? How do those beliefs compare to yours?

   Differences in belief in many areas can be compatible with a healthy relationship or even make it more interesting. But differences in belief about relationships themselves can make a partnership extremely challenging. If possible, talk to your partner about these issues. And, as always, the more unwilling your partner is to talk about them, the more difficult the relationship is likely to be.

Ultimately, if you are really torn on what to do, you could always benefit from a good counselor or therapist, either individually or as a couple. If your partner is willing to get involved in such activities, that is always a good sign. If you find a talented therapist, then even if you eventually break up, you will do so with more confidence in your decision and with lessons you can take with you into the future.

There really is no simple “Should I Break Up With My Boyfriend Quiz” that can substitute for deeper exploration. But hopefully these questions can get you started in thinking about your relationship in a more profound way and open up a path to making a wise decision about your future.

Sometimes after a breakup, we might come to feel we were responsible for what happened and wonder “Should I contact my ex to apologize and let them know how I feel?”

Today we respond to a reader who asks just that question.

The reader writes:

Hello,

I am writing to you today because I have a dilemma! My fiancé (a 4yr relationship) just left me for his ex a little over a month ago and 5 months from our wedding day! As soon as it happened I told him that this was the best and it would make us better people. I naturally blamed him for this whole thing but I realize now that it is as much my fault as it is his.  I have a lot of stuff to work out on my own and find happiness within my self. I really want to thank him and apologize to him for making this split! I would have never left him and known how much I need to grow! I love my ex and i want him to have happiness and if that is not with me that is fine!

Anyway I am writing to you because I need advice…I want to call him or even email him and let him know how thankful I am of this situation and apologize as well! My friends have advised me to not ever talk to him again an let him drowned in his guilt but I have never been a person that can watch others suffer. I feel that this will give me the closure I strive for and allow me to move on and find the happier me! Is it a bad idea? I have been debating about this for a few weeks no and finally know its time! I feel that in order to move on I have to forgive. Should I proceed or just let everything go?

Oh and I work with my ex so it’s making things awkward because he won’t look at me!

And our response:

Your letter is a good example of how breakups can spark enormous insight and self-growth when we respond to them by not only looking outside us at the other person, but also within. But part of that insight comes from looking deeper to be sure what the real meaning of your experience is.

Your ex left you after 5 months of marriage and, as a result, you now more clearly perceive your role in the relationship’s end.

The first question is this:

“Is what I am experiencing in line with reality?”

In other words, is it true that you played an equal, if not the greater, or at least a significant role in causing the breakup and do you really owe him a thank you and an apology? Or is what you are experiencing stemming from a defense mechanism, whereby you were actually treated unfairly but are unable to handle the despair and anger that this might cause you to feel and so it is easier to blame yourself and feel apologetic and thankful, a tactic many people who are mistreated, in ways ranging from minor to major abuse, employ, sometimes consciously, but often unconsciously.

Only you can answer this, perhaps with the help of a counselor or therapist if needed. But it is worth seriously asking yourself how what you are feeling can best be interpreted. Think about whether you have been hurt in the past and if you have had a tendency to handle it poorly so that you may have developed a perceived need to replace difficult feelings with more acceptable ones or if you have perhaps used that tactic before.

Obviously if what you are feeling on the surface is a mask for your true deeper feelings of despair and anger and resentment, then this would change your actions considerably.

However, if you analyze this more and really believe that you played a significant role and are authentically thankful and apologetic, and not just covering up deeper painful emotions, then this is a whole different story. Obviously if you believe forgiveness is part of healing then by all means forgive within your own heart.

But then two more questions arise.

The first one is:

“Why do I really want to contact my ex to tell them about this?”

Is it really to help reduce his suffering and get closure yourself? Or is it to actually keep the drama alive?

Your unconscious will sometimes trick you into doing things that are not healthy, like stoking the flames of a relationship that is not good for you, by convincing you that it is really for good reasons. So just as you need to figure out if you really believe you are responsible and owe him a thanks and apology, you also need to figure out if you really are wanting to contact him for the right reasons or not.

There are valid reasons to consider contacting your ex.

If you believe it will truly help the other person heal and you care about them, then that may be a reason. But you should also be careful to consider that you might be ripping open a wound by doing so more than healing it. Unless you are sure that they are currently in a state where they would want that apology, it may not really be about them at all.

If you believe it will help you, that also may be a reason to make contact. But then you have to consider:

• Whether you’re even right that it will help rather than just stoke the drama again and pull you back in even more
• Whether it will come at the expense of the other person and whether that is worth it.

One thing that can put these issues related to the first question in perspective is realizing that, if your goal really is to just tie up some loose ends, you can always contact your ex later down the road after things have settled down more. If you feel like you’d only want to do it now while things are still healing and suspect you wouldn’t care very much down the road, that could tell you that your mind is manipulating you somewhat into keeping the drama alive under the guise of something healthy.

Once you’re clearer on the real reason you want to contact your ex, then you are ready to consider the second question:

“Should I contact my ex to tell them about this?”

After you’ve better verified how accurate your perception of the situation is and investigated what your motives are and have really considered the potential consequences of your actions – all of which might take you some more time and space to figure out – then the answer to this question will hopefully also be clearer.