A lot of people, when wondering what to do in their love life, turn to relationship advice columns. There are many columns out there and they often give contradictory advice. So which ones should you believe?
The first thing to understand about relationship advice columns is that their writers all subscribe to different schools of thought. There are as many schools of thought about relationships as there are about other controversial topics such as politics or religion. And this can make it confusing to figure out whose words of wisdom really are wise for you to follow.
One thing that can help is realizing that these many schools of thought can basically be grouped, as we have discussed before, into two main categories:
- Symptom-Focused Breakup Advice
- Origin-Focused Breakup Advice
When you just need a quick fix to a superficial problem and are truly alright with knowing you will probably have to face it again in some form later, symptom-focused breakup advice – and relationship advice columns that take that perspective – can be useful.
However, in most cases, we at Breakup-Advice.org favor an Origin-Focused approach for reasons laid out in the blog post linked above.
When you are considering a relationship advice column, you need to think critically. Start by reading a few of the author’s pieces and deciding if they tend to write from a symptom-focused or origin-focused mindset. Some authors may combine the two and, if done well, this can be very helpful.
In the end you will have to make up your own mind about which school of thought on relationships appeals to you – or, more importantly, which one you think is actually accurate. Just know that there are various perspectives and don’t simply believe the first one you read offers the golden ticket to happiness.
Now what relationship advice column do we recommend?
Since we strongly favor the Imago Relationship approach, it is no surprise that we recommend columns by people involved in that community. And there is one in particular that stands out.
Al Turtle is a therapist who works in the Imago tradition and he runs a website where he addresses countless questions about relationships and offers his wisdom. It is appropriately titled Al Turtle’s Relationship Wisdom. We have no doubt you will find it extremely enlightening.
Al’s is the column with which we are most familiar. But if you do some searching, you can find others written by people schooled in Imago therapy. For example, with a quick search we discovered that Stacy Notaras Murphy, a certified Imago Couples Therapist, writes a relationship advice column for The Georgetowner.
Ultimately, the best advice of all is to read a variety of relationship advice columns by people from different schools of thought and, over time, compare and contrast them to find the ones that really have the most to offer.
Breakup Advice Feed
August 29th, 2014 at 10:28 pm
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now and I have known him for almost 8 years. We are both young and had a child together. I have lots of anxiety in our relationship. I’m more than happy but have concerns. I’m used to being the 24/7 full time mom but now that we live together my expectations are higher when it comes to equal parenting but it is not equal a lot of times he will leave and say he will be right back but leaves me home all day with him. I also have a concern with a fear of him saying he loves me he will only tell me when he is drinking but had used to tell me all the time. I want a future with him and want more committment what do i do
August 30th, 2014 at 8:10 pm
So you expect him to contribute more to the parenting, but believe he isn’t meeting that expectation. Have you discussed that with him? If so, how does he respond?
And when you mention his drinking, how much of a factor is that in his life? Do you believe he has a substance abuse problem? Or does he only drink a reasonable and healthy amount and frequency? That is important to distinguish. If there is a serious substance abuse issue clouding things, it can often make it difficult to really heal other things until that is addressed.
Ultimately, as in any relationship, I believe the crucial factor is the willingness to become conscious – conscious of how the tensions and conflicts playing out in your relationship now stem from your past experiences and upbringings and to work on healing each other rather than perpetually pushing each other’s buttons. I recommend you read Getting the Love You Want, which you can find in our bookstore.