Breakup Advice

On one of the breakup advice forums that I often read, someone recently requested advice about an interesting pattern in her relationship.

She said that every time she and the man she is dating had a great period of time together, and she began to feel that they were going to become more consistently close, he would, just at that moment, suddenly go into what she called “complete hibernation.” By this, she meant that he would back off and stop contacting her for an extended period of time. If she asked why he did this, he would make excuses and maintain his distance.

Yet, as soon as she accepted this distance, he would suddenly make an aggressive return, calling her often and jealously demanding answers regarding her whereabouts and activities.

She wanted to understand why he constantly repeats this back and forth maneuver. She wondered why he wouldn’t just decide once and for all to either become closer or distance himself. For her, either of these decisions would make more sense and be easier to handle.

Instead, as it is, she finds the “consistent inconsistency” confusing. She also finds that, during the periods where he is out of communication, it makes planning her life quite frustrating. While she would prefer to spend time with him if given the choice, she also doesn’t want to constantly hold off on making other plans just on the off chance that he is suddenly going to swing back to closeness.

Attachment Theory

I responded to the forum poster by explaining that this sounded like a pretty classic case demonstrating the two poles of attachment style. Since attachment theory and related issues are so crucial for anyone interested in breakup advice to understand, I will elaborate here in more detail on what I touched on in that response.

As human beings, as for many animals, attachment is one of the first phenomena we encounter as we enter this world. A baby’s entire life and emotional state can hinge on where its attachment to caregivers lies on a spectrum that includes:

• Insecure, tenuous and unpredictable
• Secure, safe, and healthy
• Overbearing, smothering and violating

Many different psychologists have highlighted the crucial importance of attachment dynamics in early life:

• The very first of Erik Erikson’s developmental stages is “Trust vs. Mistrust”, which revolves around whether the infant can rely on its caregivers to meet its needs without neglect or violation.
• In Imago Relationship Therapy, a system highly recommended on this blog, founder Harville Hendrix lists Attachment as the very first task by which we are tested as infants.
• British psychologist and psychiatrist John Bowlby pioneered the formal study of attachment theory in the mid-20^th century.

The Influence of Adaptations to Early Attachment Wounds

The style of attachment we experience both early in life, as well as throughout childhood development, can have lasting consequences. If a child experiences a secure, safe and healthy attachment with caregivers, he or she is much more likely to develop the trust that forms the basis for similar attachments later in life. However, because attachment to caregivers is so crucial to a child’s survival and development, any failure in that area can be perceived as terrifying and (sometimes quite accurately) potentially life-threatening. If the resulting wounds go unresolved, they can lead to the development of deeply entrenched fears and coping mechanisms that continue to affect later adult relationships.

Specifically, they may lead to an adult who either fears abandonment, fears engulfment or fears both simultaneously or in alternating fashion.

Fear of Abandonment

On one hand, we have the child whose needs are neglected. Such a child may feel deeply abandoned and, in later relationships, may fear above all a return to such a state of abandonment, in which the silence and solitude allow the resurfacing of their buried unconscious pain. They may, therefore, act very clingy in intimate relationships and require frequent “check-ins” and reassurances that their partner is still present and engaged in the relationship. They may also become suspicious at the slightest perceived signs of distance, which may trigger all of their worst fears and memories of prior abandonments throughout life.

Fear of Engulfment

On the other hand, we have the child who is physically or emotionally violated or smothered by an overbearing caregiver. Quite opposite from the person who fears abandonment, this person may, in later relationships, become highly uncomfortable with closeness and intimacy, which raise the fear of being overwhelmed and trapped. They may be so sensitive due to their past experience that even a healthy level of closeness seems to them dangerously suffocating. Therefore, this person may emotionally close up and either metaphorically or literally back away to attempt to find some breathing room and protect themselves from becoming submerged.

Alternating Fears of Abandonment and Engulfment

Imagine a child that grows up with one parent that is neglectful and another that is violating and smothering. Or imagine a child whose parents are neglectful at times and then overcompensate at others with smothering closeness. Such scenarios could lead to a person that fears both abandonment and engulfment. In later relationships, these two fears may repeatedly drive them toward and away from their partner like a pendulum as they are alternately triggered by various events.

And this is what I suggested may be happening with the partner of the person seeking advice on the forum. I suggested that when she is close with her partner for a period of time, he may begin to fear engulfment and back off. But then, at some point, as his unconscious memories of loneliness and neglect threaten to emerge, his fear of abandonment may kick in and prompt his aggressive and panicked return to her.

The Central Role of Attachment Styles in Attraction

Where things really get interesting is when we consider the notion, put forth by Harville Hendrix in Imago Relationship Therapy, that, counterintuitive as it may sound, people often attract each other precisely because of their differing attachment styles. In fact, according to Hendrix, the very purpose of romantic relationships is for people with seemingly incompatible attachment fears to engage with each other, come to understand their fears consciously, and then work to help each other resolve the underlying past issues that created them. In his view, this incompatibility is actually a complementarity that offers an opportunity for mutual healing of past attachment wounds.

So, for example, a person who fears engulfment may be attracted to a person who fears abandonment. The person who fears abandonment would then demand more closeness than their partner is comfortable with. And the other partner would demand more space than is comfortable for the one fearing abandonment. According to Hendrix, this moment of truth is the very reason for the relationship’s occurrence. It is meant to test whether they will commit to healing each other’s past wounds so that they can ultimately strike a healthy balance of closeness and distance with which both can be comfortable.

Responding Optimally to Attachment Fears

So, as I told the forum questioner, her relationship is now at a crucial crossroads and facing an important test of the very kind discussed in “Breakup Advice on Relationship Challenges: Signal to Breakup or Crucial Testing Phase?”

The ideal scenario is if she and her partner can communicate about, and both become conscious of what is driving, his inconsistent behavior – that past attachment wounds are being triggered, leading to a variety of related abandonment and engulfment fears. Then, when the fears arise, instead of blindly acting on them, they can catch themselves in the act and realize the opportunity to build courage and learn skills – such as those presented in Keeping the Love You Find and Getting the Love You Want – to address the underlying root issues. In other words, the relationship can become a foundation for healing those fears, rather than repeatedly succumbing to them.

But of course, for this to happen, both people must agree to partially let down their defenses and at least display a desire to overcome their trust and attachment fears. If her partner is not willing to make these minimum commitments, and instead continues to blindly race back and forth, even after healthier alternatives are presented, she may have to make the difficult decision to breakup.

For a couple willing to work at developing a healthier relationship together, the emergence of conflict driven by attachment issues can actually provide an incredible opportunity. But if either partner is not willing to take a constructive approach, it can ultimately be the test that proves the relationship untenable.